Love Advice
Tater Gumfries

How to get you a pretty gal

by Tater Gumfries

They's some folks round the holler have them some gal trouble. Tater's gonna give you a quick course in gettin you a gal, and a pretty one, too.

First, find you a pretty gal. They's the one got the nice smooth skin, they's shaped like a gal with curves round the hips and on the top front, no bald spots on the head, and most of their teeth. The front ones is the ones you want to check. The back ones don't show so if she ain't got em all, shouldn't make you no nevermind.

Now that you found one of them, you gotta get her sweet on you. Truth be told, gals don't like no sissy boys except if they hairdressers or dress designers or some such. And it don't make too much difference if you ain't handsome or got most of your hair or fingers.

Gals is different from fellers. What they like is a strong feller who has a good hold on life. What Tater means is that feller ain't scared of doin all the regular things a feller has to do, like hard work, fightin, and lovin.

Doin hard work ain't nothin. You just go out and do it. But if you're the lazy type, ain't gonna be too long before she has to go out and pick up that plow, and before too long, some passing dandy with a new truck gonna pick her up and run off with her. So if you the lazy type you gonna have to just grit your teeth and do some work. Now, ain't no rule you have to work very long without no break. You work ten minutes, take a break for a smoke and a pull off the jug. Get back to work for ten more, ten off, and so on. Tater wishes he ain't told you that. He don't want none of you lazy SOBs gettin none of them pretty gals.

Now, a lot of them gals will claim that they don't like a man who fights. That's what they say, but all of em wan a man *can* fight if he has to. Makes them feel safe. In fact, what they really want is confidence. Confidence in a man is like one of them viagras for women. They love it. But you can't be fightin all the time, because that will scare most of em off. They like to think you'll be beatin on them if you can't find a man to whup. What they really like is a confident man who every once in a while whups ass when the occasion calls for it. Then they know that confidence ain't just talk.

As for the lovin, until they sweet on you, you ain't gettin none, so Tater can't tell you nothin that's gonna help you. You get them sweet on you, then you just commence to huggin and kissin and pretty soon things will take their course. You need a lesson in the mechanics of lovemakin, you go down to Lemuel Horsey's ranch and take a look over that fence.

Now that you know what them gals like, how you gonna get things started? Well, sir, you gotta make sure she sees you and knows who you are. You might try drivin your truck up and down the street she lives on until she comes out and takes a look. Then you stop and get out, ask her if she's Lannie or Betty Jane or whatever you already know her name is. She's like to tell you, and then you says to her "Tater noticed you last Sunday at church. That sure was some pretty dress." And then you get in the truck and  drive off. That there move gives you an air of mystery. Gals love that. You left her wanting more.

Next time you see her, she'll want to talk. So that's just what you do. Get out of the truck and talk to her, but not about you. You ask her about what she likes to do, be it cannin, growin flowers, fixin hair, or whatnot. Now, you ain't likely interested in that stuff, but you act like you is.

Alright, she warmin up to you... what's next? You gotta take her to the dance, or the fair, or for a walk through the hills. Gals love to do things that ain't everyday things. Dancin, fair goin, walkin through the hills when you ain't huntin, them's all out of the ordinary. You take a gal out like that, and she'll be sweet enough to hold your hand, and maybe even hug and kiss after a couple more of them times. After that, you're on your own.

How do you get her to hold your hand? That ain't nothin. You take a walk in them hills, they's gonna be some steep parts you help her up. You just go up first and hold out your hand. She'll grab on, and you help her up. Pretty soon, she'll be holdin out her hand first. Tater guarantees it.

You get up to the top of that hill, you put your arm around her, give her a quick squeeze and say "Ain't it beautiful?" Now, notice what Tater did here. He got her thinkin about a pretty view and you givin her a squeeze all in the same thought. That's what's called "association". That's a psychological word for thinkin two thoughts in one. Now when she think about you she thinkin about hugs and pretty things, and thats some of the main things gals want.

It's time to get to the kissin. You sit down with that gal on a log or a fence or out on her porch swing and take a look at the moon, can't help but be a kiss in there. You put your arm around her, she like to lay her head on your shoulder. Then when you say somethin to her, she'll be lookin up at you with her lips right there. She keep lookin at you, that's a sign she want to have a kiss. Well, sir, you just plant one on her. If you don't mash her lips too hard, she'll like it, and you like to be kissin more before too long.

Now they's one thing Tater ain't told you, and that's because he forgot. Gals dont' like a feller don't wash. In fact, gals like a feller wash every day or so, and that's the truth. Start by washin up and puttin on a clean pair of overalls and socks. Then get in that truck and go lookin for pretty gals. They're out there, and once you fine one, you just do what old Tater told you. You'll be up in that hayloft before you know it.

NOTE: It turns out that there's some science fellers claim pretty gals make a feller stupid. Shucks, don't take no science to tell ol Tater that!