Kern's Holler Contrarian
National News

National Homeschool Month

In honor of National Homeschool Month, we present the first installment in American History by Reverend Anna Dynamite and Reverend BIOU 13

Remember when President Franklin had that fatal duel with President Alexander Hamilton?  They were fighting over the last roast beef at the automat, and Hamilton told everybody how Franklin was fucking Marilyn Monroe, but he was like, "No, man, we're just good friends". And that is why we all got six more weeks of winter that year, because the Pennsylvania Hedgehog was scared back into the Liberty Bell.  It took George Washington Carver six jars of peanut butter just to coax that little bastard out again in time for the President's Day effigy burning!

That was the duel that was refereed by the other Presidental Alexander, Alexander Graham Bell, who invented the bell that is rung in boxing matches. Joe Frazier, who attended that fateful duel, later went on to spar against John F. Kennedy for control of the White House, but in an insidious plot by Lyndon Johnson (who co-founded Johnson & Johnson, which is where the baby lotion comes from), both were infected by Fidel Castro with cases of syphilis so severe that their heads exploded.

Alexander Graham Bell was almost America's first male First Lady!  He lost the race for this position by coming in second place in the Betty Crocker Dessert Contest with his Graham Cracker Surprise.  First place was taken by Dolly Parton, who invented ice cream, and her role in the White House came to be known as the Presidential Parton, which many criminals continue to request to this day.

Betty Crocker went on to sew the first American Flag, which was, at that time, known as the Jolly Rancher and featured a skull and crossbones surrounded by thirteen stars.  It was later stolen by Pirates and all current American Flags are bootlegs of the original. Each pirate family to own the flag sewed their own star onto it. Nobody knows how many stars it currently bears.

Dolly Parton: not to be confused with Dolly Madison, who was the most famous chef to work in the White House, but who came in third in the Betty Crocker Dessert Contest with her invention of Zingers, which are now used by bad comedians to get back at hecklers. Betty Crocker also had a severe addiction to painkillers, which developed after her short but tumultuous marriage to Chef Boyardee. She then founded the Betty Crocker Clinic, while the Chef moved on to have a long-term relationship with Marie Callender, who invented pie.

Their daughter, Little Debbie, became a senator who later was revealed to be Deep Throat, and the subject of the Carly Simon song, "You're So Vain."

After the invention of pie, many American families spent all of their expendable income, and gained significant weight.  As a result, many of them were dumped by their respetive mates.  This brought on the Great Depression, during which most Americans spent days at a time lying on the couch watching television, which had recently been invented by Franklin "Eleanor" Roosevelt, to broadcast his "Fireside Chats".

It was soon discovered that televisions did not prosper when situated fireside, and a mass exodus of televisions to that corner of the living room under the picture of grandma was scheduled.

Roosevelt changed the name of his chats to "Ironside Chats", because of the steely hue of grandma's hair.

He lost his legs in a battle with Theodore "Ruxpin" Roosevelt (no relation), who had the legs stuffed and impaled on a big stick, which he carried to the end of his days.  This action was mimicked widely, and the new source of exercise caused the Great Depression to end, as Americans lost all that extra pie weight and got their "groove" back.

However, "groove" was not invented until the 1970's, by Marvin Gaye.

Those "Fireside Chats" were later developed into Firesign Theater productions. In fact, that is where all their material comes from, making them the world's most famous and best-selling plagiarists next to Dean Koontz. But that's enough history for now. We wouldn't want people's faces to melt off, like those Nazis in that low-budget

Kern's Holler Refrigerator of Art

Special commentary on the Obama indoctrination speech by Miss Emmaline Beaudine, communicated to the Contrarian by Miss Othelia

Good evening, Reverend, Good evening, Mr. Gumfries. Thank y'all fer allowing me this misopportunity to address you all, and read this special version of that Obama man's schoolin' speech for ya. I 'preciate yer time and thank ya kindly for your attentions.

I've been asked to listen to the whole speech, and do a bit of quotin', and a bit of summarizing, since the blamed thing is so long and all. And since no one here prolly listened to more'n a word or two, to tell you all and interpret if you will, just what it is that that man was a-tryin' to say. I won't comment but on the most important parts, and hope you'll leave here with a better understanding of what it is he really meant to say.

I've put my own remarks all slanty-like, so's you'll know the difference between me 'n him.

Miss Emmaline Beaudine
Kern's Holler
September 2009 

The Actual Factual Remarks of Mr. Barack Obama
with Special Commentary from Miss Emmaline Beaudine

Back to School Event
Arlington, Virginia
September 8, 2009
The President: Hello everyone – how’s everybody doing today? I’m here with students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia. And we’ve got students tuning in from all across America, kindergarten through twelfth grade. I’m glad you all could join us today. 

Arlington? Arlington? I don't understand. I thought he was in Washington? Isn't Arlington right outside of Dallas?

I know that for many of you, today is the first day of school. And for those of you in kindergarten, or starting middle or high school, it’s your first day in a new school, so it’s understandable if you’re a little nervous. I imagine there are some seniors out there who are feeling pretty good right now, with just one more year to go. And no matter what grade you’re in, some of you are probably wishing it were still summer, and you could’ve stayed in bed just a little longer this morning.

Thank the Lord summer's over! Those kids next door near to drove me batty after the 2nd week of July. Noisy? I can't tell you the racket their mama puts up with over there. 'Course, her husband don't help none, with that caterwauling he does night and day. 

When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia for a few years, and my mother didn’t have the money to send me where all the American kids went to school. So she decided to teach me extra lessons herself, Monday through Friday – at 4:30 in the morning.   

Now I wasn’t too happy about getting up that early. A lot of times, I’d fall asleep right there at the kitchen table. But whenever I’d complain, my mother would just give me one of those looks and say, "This is no picnic for me either, buster."

Well, I don't know about no extra lessons or picnics, but seems to me that's about the right time for a boy to be up and at 'em. Especially in Indianosia - any good far boy knows that those cows aren't gonna wait around for an engraved invitation for you to let 'em out of the barn! 

So I know some of you are still adjusting to being back at school. But I’m here today because I have something important to discuss with you. I’m here because I want to talk with you about your education and what’s expected of all of you in this new school year. 

There was some stuff about responsibilities here, but I didn't catch it all, other than something about X-rated boxes. I've gotta say here, Reverend, that I just shut my ears when I caught that part, because I know it wasn't nothin' we wanted to hear about here in the Holler! I was shocked that the feller said anything about it at all. You'd think he had a bit more shame. But then, he was raised by a single mother and all. Who knows what manner of godlessness he got up to when she was workin'?

We can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world – and none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities. Unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and other adults; and put in the hard work it takes to succeed. 

Humpf! I ain't even sure why grandparents were brought into this. I heard that Obama fella didn't care for his old white grandmother. I can't quite recall where I heard that, but I think it was on the radio, and they wouldn't have said nuthin' if they didn't have a smidge to go on.

Next came a bunch of nonsense about "finding yourself" as the kids used to say, fiddling around with words, and gadgets, and politics. I didn't listen too hard to that part, I was still mad about him bringin' grandmothers into it. Grandmothers shouldn't have to go to school. They've already done that. No use in doin' it all over again. They're too old by half to get much out of it.

What you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. What you’re learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future. 

You’ll need the knowledge and problem-solving skills you learn in science and math to cure diseases like cancer and AIDS, and to develop new energy technologies and protect our environment. You’ll need the insights and critical thinking skills you gain in history and social studies to fight poverty and homelessness, crime and discrimination, and make our nation more fair and more free. You’ll need the creativity and ingenuity you develop in all your classes to build new companies that will create new jobs and boost our economy. 

I don't know, seems to me that's puttin' a right hard burden on the kids of Kern's Holler, you know? What about the farms? Who's gonna run them, and why should it be our fault or our kids' fault if things go to hell in a handbasket? 'Scuse me Reverend. I know you don't like swearin'. But he's the one that brought up cancer and them sex diseases. 

We need every single one of you to develop your talents, skills and intellect so you can help solve our most difficult problems. If you don’t do that – if you quit on school – you’re not just quitting on yourself, you’re quitting on your country. 
Now I know it’s not always easy to do well in school. I know a lot of you have challenges in your lives right now that can make it hard to focus on your schoolwork.

Challenges? Challenges?? What is that, a secret code word? If he means problems, why doesn't he just say so? Ain't a kid alive that don't have problems of one sort or another. I could tell him about problems in a body's life; I'll give you "challenges"...

I get it. I know what that’s like. My father left my family when I was two years old, and I was raised by a single mother who struggled at times to pay the bills and wasn’t always able to give us things the other kids had. There were times when I missed having a father in my life. There were times when I was lonely and felt like I didn’t fit in.

I knew it. I just new that he wasn't raised proper. No man! Why, it's a wonder he made it out of that Negro ghetto at all, isn't it? A single mother - just imagine! Makes ya wonder (and not for the first time!) just what was goin' on in that house, doesn't it? 

So I wasn’t always as focused as I should have been. I did some things I’m not proud of, and got in more trouble than I should have. And my life could have easily taken a turn for the worse.

Oh, my loooord... what things? Check with Carl down at the newspaper office, see if he knows. And this man is talking to our school kids!

But I was fortunate. I got a lot of second chances and had the opportunity to go to college, and law school, and follow my dreams. My wife, our First Lady Michelle Obama, has a similar story. Neither of her parents had gone to college, and they didn’t have much. But they worked hard, and she worked hard, so that she could go to the best schools in this country.

I declare, I don't know what's wrong with the PolyTechnic Institute out on Route 64, do you? It's a perfectly good school! Don't know why everyone's all het up about going to some old moldy, sooty place with vines growing all over, where the folks are all snooty. If they spent half as much time and energy on growin' crops as they spent on growin' them long noses to look down...

Some of you might not have those advantages. Maybe you don’t have adults in your life who give you the support that you need. Maybe someone in your family has lost their job, and there’s not enough money to go around. Maybe you live in a neighborhood where you don’t feel safe, or have friends who are pressuring you to do things you know aren’t right. 

But at the end of the day, the circumstances of your life – what you look like, where you come from, how much money you have, what you’ve got going on at home – that’s no excuse for neglecting your homework or having a bad attitude. That’s no excuse for talking back to your teacher, or cutting class, or dropping out of school. That’s no excuse for not trying. 

Finally! Something Mr. Obama and I agree on! Took him long enough to get to it, didn't it?

Where you are right now doesn’t have to determine where you’ll end up. No one’s written your destiny for you. Here in America, you write your own destiny. You make your own future. 

That's right. 'Bout time someone said so, instead of gettin' all mewly about, "It's not his fault, he didn't know no better."

Next he talked about a bunch of immigrants with funny names, and how they came to America to do good. I didn't listen to this part, mostly, because I didn't care to, and Mr. Dobbs says that immigration should have stopped after they let all the Irish and Chinese in.

Then he gave a hygiene lesson, about washing your hands so you don't get sick. Like we was all backwards, and didn't know about germs and such here! Humpf! What does he think we are, hillbillies?

After that, he started going on about Hollywood and basketball, and that part was ok, but when he started talking about that Harry Potter and sorcery, I shut my ears down right hard! You'd be proud of me Reverend, I heard that "J K... " writer-lady's name, and I stuck my fingers in my ears and sang a that hymn you taught us to drown out evil. You know the one I mean, it goes "Shall we gather at the river...."

I took my fingers out of my ears right about here...

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and to learn something new. So find an adult you trust – a parent, grandparent or teacher; a coach or counselor – and ask them to help you stay on track to meet your goals. 

And even when you’re struggling, even when you’re discouraged, and you feel like other people have given up on you – don’t ever give up on yourself. Because when you give up on yourself, you give up on your country.

The story of America isn’t about people who quit when things got tough. It’s about people who kept going, who tried harder, who loved their country too much to do anything less than their best. 

Now, that's the kind of talk I like! 

Then came some history stuff about George Washington and how he Twittered a Google or something, but just then the cat started the most awful ruckus with a stray raccoon that had been hanging around the garbage all day, that I missed most of it, but I though it sounded pretty futuristic. I don't know, I never cared for electronic machines and such, and I don't really get why you'd be putting a bird in your math homework, but I heard my nephew talking about compressin' one time, so maybe that's it.

So today, I want to ask you, what’s your contribution going to be? What problems are you going to solve? What discoveries will you make? What will a president who comes here in twenty or fifty or one hundred years say about what all of you did for this country?  

Your families, your teachers, and I are doing everything we can to make sure you have the education you need to answer these questions. I’m working hard to fix up your classrooms and get you the books, equipment and computers you need to learn. But you’ve got to do your part too. So I expect you to get serious this year. I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great things from each of you. So don’t let us down – don’t let your family or your country or yourself down. Make us all proud. I know you can do it.

Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America.

Well now. Least-wise the man knows how to end his speech proper! I don't know that kids oughta be usin' them computin' machines, but I suppose that's progress for you.

I need a nap now, so I hope you'll find this close enough to right, Mr. Gumfries. 

Respectfully yours,
Emmaline Beaudine

August 26 2009

Members of feuding families jailed after Ala. riot

MARION, Ala. — Two feuding families and their friends lined opposite sides of a small-town Alabama street and hurled rocks, tools and pieces of wood at each other, striking the police chief with a crowbar, in a riot rooted in a disagreement that began years ago with schoolchildren.

Members of the Sawyer and Moore families were in jail Tuesday, a day after the melee that swelled to 150 people, including gang members.

"They came with guns, sticks, bricks, golf clubs. It was a bad situation," said police chief Tony Bufford, who was OK.

State police and officers from other west Alabama towns were called to keep the peace in Marion, which was under a 10 p.m. curfew.

Bufford said the families have been feuding for at least two years but wasn't sure exactly what happened to start it all except it was over schoolchildren.

Five adults named either Moore or Sawyer and several juveniles were arrested on assault charges, said District Attorney Michael Jackson, and more charges were likely. In all, at least eight people were arrested in the city of 3,300 about 85 miles west of Montgomery.

"Part of it was families that didn't get along with each other. It's big families with a lot of friends," Jackson said, adding that gang members also were involved.

Tension began Sunday night when a fight fueled by the families' bad blood erupted after a pickup basketball game, and at least one shot was fired.

"They shot my truck up with my 1-year-old baby inside," said Littenger Moore, 30.

Problems continued at a high school the next morning, with a fight ending in two arrests.

Relatives of those arrested followed officers to police headquarters, where a crowd gathered. Authorities said six more people were arrested there after an argument turned violent.

In a small office building across the street from City Hall, attorney Jeff Nail and law office employee Debi Foster watched from behind locked doors as the angry crowd gathered between the buildings.

"I saw a lady with a baseball bat," Foster said. "There's still a broken mop in the driveway."

Nail said the families and their supporters lined the streets, facing off.

"There was a lot of loud talk and one person would go up to the other side and then run back and then they started throwing stuff back and forth," Nail said.

Four people were injured, and Jackson said one person who was hit might need surgery for a fractured eye socket.

Jackson said bond was set at $250,000 for a suspect charged with having a gun at the high school, and he and others remained in custody. Charged with assault, Littenger Moore spent the night in jail but was freed on bond Tuesday.

Signs of the melee were scattered around City Hall a day later. A shirt was in the middle of the street and a belt was on a sidewalk. Shrubbery had been trampled in front of an insurance office.

"Some of these people need to pack their suitcases because they're going to be in jail for awhile," Jackson said. "There was no excuse for this."

January 16 2009

They went and done it. They elected a Hawaiian president.  Now they's gonna put poi up on that food pyramid. Tater just knows it!