Kern's Holler Contrarian Opinion

In Praise of Rocks
by Susie the Floozie

Yes! For nothing else will do!

I just handfed The Mahar some turkey meat (he came over to hustle it off me--the smell just INFLAMES that monster!), and while he sprawled with a full belly, I gently scooped him up and put him on the river rocks I have under a clamplight so he could bask and digest his lunch. And it made me say, "There's nothing better than a*rock*, huh, Dude?"--


Nobody talks rocks up anymore, do they? But when you need a rock, nothing else will quite DO. I like rocks--their cold, solid mass and their wacky shapes. I painted enough of the fucking things that year for X-Day--in fact, there were rocks that didn't get discovered, I'm sure, and yet lie waiting in the verdant recesses of Brushwood; but I know that they could be found, years and years in the murky future. If I had painted on pecan husks or scraps of wood, I couldn't have that confidence.

In "Rock, Paper, Scissors," supposedly Paper subjugates Rock, by the act of enwrapping. Really, Rock laughs at this feeble attempt--just put the two of them, locked in their deathgrip, out in the rain--and who's laughing now? ROCK! ROCK LAFFS LAST!!!!

Rocks! Yah!!! Literally, the cornerSTONE of our civilization! Just TRY having a STONE AGE *without* them! Think we woulda gone right to the Bronze Age from jump? Hell, NO! HA! Hammer, wall, weapon, even PET--is there NOTHING a ROCK *can't* do????? And these modern, now-a-go-go types now actually endeavor to *distance* themselves from the rock--? Living in sterile, manmade cubes, without so much as the solace provided by a bunch of rocks strewn across the floor--the kind of mineral-ore riches which I possess, right under The Mahar's scaly belly.

I think it's time this odious slight was corrected. It's time to thank our lithic friends. So go out there and let them know you care--GET YOUR ROCKS OFF TODAY!

Trust me, you'll BOTH appreciate it.

Thank you.