Sri Bodhi Prana

 How to Fake Enlightenment

I know what a lot of you are probably saying: "Bodhi, why would anyone want to fake enlightenment?" That is a pretty good question, for someone on a lower spiritual plane than me, so I will get straight to the point -- chicks *dig* it! Take it from me, and from other major spiritual studs like Alan Watts and Ken Wilbur, if you want to get laid, and get laid a *lot*, it doesn't hurt to have the "intense but totally centered spiritual guy" thing going for you.

"OK," you say, "that's good enough for me. How do you fake enlightenment?" Well, I don't have to fake it. I have been in a continual state of cosmic consciousness since I was 13, but as some of you may know, enlightenment gradually wears off, and you have to recharge your Godhead from time to time. To tell the truth, I was lucky. I discovered the perfect koan early in my life, and I only have to meditate for four or five minutes, tops, to get that satori when I need to get back on top of my game. But some people never "get it", and this lesson is for you. If you want all the benefits, without all the work, just follow these simple instructions.

1. Learn "the look". The look is the face and actions of a guy (or chick!) totally at peace, and at one with the universe. First, the face. Look at yourself in the mirror. What do you see? You see a guy (or a gal!) with worry lines and muscles pulled into the mask that people think of as "you". The enlightened master is relaxed and at ease, and his serene look shows it! Let your facial muscles go slack. Don't let your jaw drop open, but your lips should just barely touch each other. Your eyelids should be drooping, so that they are just touching the top of your pupils, and you should have just a hint of a "Mona Lisa" smile. Get just the slightest hint of a smirk, like you *know* Victoria's secret! Not too much, though, or you'll ruin the effect. Practice this in the mirror every day until you can do it by feel.

2. Walk the walk. This is part two of "the look", and is just as important. Chicks should get the feeling that you are relaxed, yet powerful, ready to spring into action, like a panther. First of all, SLOW DOWN! If you are at one with the universe, who are you hurrying to meet? Yourself! And you won't be disappointed if YOU turn up a little late, will you? Walk slowly and deliberately, letting your arms swing free. It takes a while to get the rhythm, but it is not as hard as getting the face right. Practice is the key. It's not you walking, it's God walking through you, baby!

3. Meeting people's eye. This might be the hardest part -- you have to be able to look directly at people, yet look through them at the same time. What do you usually do when you come across someone on the street or in the office? If you know them, you might look them in the eye and say "hi", but if you don't, you look away. NUH UH. That won't fly. The enlightened master can look directly into the eyes of a stranger, because he is looking at himself! Of course, you won't be able to actually look into your own eyes unless you have had the "big flash", so try this instead: look directly through people at things behind them, but not too far to the side. Look at the tree for a few seconds, the car for a few seconds, the sidewalk, that bird, whatever. You will look like you are looking directly into their soul if that is what they want to think (and believe me, the babes want exactly that!) and they will think you are looking at things behind that if they are uncomfortable thinking otherwise. This takes practice, but the payoffs... well, just look at me!

4. Conversation. It is not as hard as you might think. Just think, "What would the Buddha say?" Say you are at a party, and you have "the face" and "the walk" and you are sitting, relaxed, drinking a beer and talking to a babe. She asks you what you do for a living. Your response? "I teach people how to live. That sounded weird... you know, some people just aren't comfortable in the world, and I help them out. I guess I'll never have you for a client. You look like you are extremely together, Denise. Oh, it's Carla? Well believe me, in another life it was Denise, and she was really together too." See how easy it is? Babes want to be spiritual, and they want you to notice.

Well, that's enough for now. Let me know how well my system works for you. Who knows, someday, if you play your cards right and get the act down, you might just become an enlightened master too!


Sri Bodhi Prana