Kern's Holler Contrarian
World News

Report from Singapore
Shining Path of Least Resistance

I woke up, clothed except for my trousers, on the couch at 5 in the morning but for an instant I thought it was 5 in the afternoon and that I had taken a nap after work.  Then it all came back and a grin came over my face.

The night had started nicely, with several other faculty members insisting that we go out and get Peking Duck.  Good PD requires a search, even in China, and we hit a styling place where high rollers go.  Each duck was an even 100 RMB (do the the math), thin sliced with skin, on a bed of shrimp chips, with Chinese tortillas, thin sliced veggies and plum sauce on the side.  I had not been seriously drinking since Halloween (another long story!) but I fell off the wagon in a big way.  One of the new teachers, a redhead, who is one of my favorites here on campus, was openly flirting with me, with her man sitting beside her, so my mojo was defintely working.  I was wearing my tailored suit and smoking Davidoffs.  She reminded me of our long conversation at the school halloween Party, a blurry memory but I must have said something right. The rest of the company was fine too and pitchers of Asahi tasted better than ever after my 2 week drought. After Red asked me for my cel digits so I could get an invite to her December 12 birthday party (insert Austin Powers growl), we broke up as one squad went off to shop at Carrefour, the French hyper-mart while I went off with 3 other alpha males for an evening of billiards and Chinese go-go bars.  The pool place was swank but we had to hit a 7-11 for beers.  In China condoms and even tiny Durex vibrators are right next to you at the cashier and the pug-like lady was sorting them.  I bought my beer and then grabbed about five boxes rubber johnies , pretending that I needed that many and she laughed.  THEN, as I was leaving a drop dead china hottie, the thin type that looks like she was POURed into her white designer jeans came in and bought a box from that same pile of condoms.  Probably a pro working at a Karaoke place nearby.  Yowza.

Billiards was fine, I didn't embarass myself and then we hit the girlie bars.  When I woke up I counted my money.  250 RMB was unaccounted for and there was even a credit card receipt for another 100.  Then I realized I had had another "King Farouk" moment and had purchased drinks for the ladies in addition to myself.  About what you pay for a modest night of lap dances at any titty bar stateside.  In the office this morning my workmates reminded me how hot the one girl who was sitting in my lap for most of the session was.  "But she was crazy," one recalled, "she'was the type who keeps looking at herself in the mirror."  I don't rmember the midnight trip afterwards to the noodle place whree I suddenly got up and walked out on my friends but it was all good.

1st period class was a blast and I realized that instead of being sober I was still tipsy from last night.  I asked my kids what they knew about Australia (that was the text) and we talked about all those cuty furry marsupials that live there. AFter class I also remembered I had threatened to stay up until 4 am to watch the last of the World Cup Qualifier matches, so I did an imaginery mental drum roll walked into the other office and asked one of the Chinese teachers for the scores.  Portugal and France won, no surprises, but Slovenia a nation of 2 million had  eliminated Russia by a score of 1-0!!  I met Slovenes at the World Cup in Korea in 2002 so I spontaneously started singing, in the office "This is the Dawning of the Age of Slovenia!" (to the tune of "Aquarius" from the HAIR! musical).  Smiles all around.  Then I went out for pork buns.  And it was good to know that the brothel on the corner was open at 9:30.  Just in case I needed it. I returned to the office  to enjoy 3 hous of free time as I have no class until 5th period. This infectious good mood is still with me and I am trying hard to make it infectous.  If that isn't Slack, then what is? I also remembered as I biked back from the street market with the warm pork buns in my pocket fighting off the freezing wind that totay at 5 pm  I have a second side job interview for weekend substitute work, a position I am sure to get.  This will earn extra dough for more midweek Kng Farouk moments, praise "Bob."  After the interview I am going to go to the bar where I am going to throw our first Asia devival and set a date in Spring with the manager, probably a Thursday.

So that is me, up until this very moment. Thanks for reading and stay beautiful you Subgeeni,

SPLR Khan of All-Shanghai

Special to the Contrarian by Cory Lee Smith

Ivan Stang Arrested

We have learned the astonishing news of Ivan Stang's arrest by the Swiss police on September 26th, upon arrival in Zurich (Switzerland) while on his way to a film festival where he was due to receive an award for his career in satanic Jew-Freemasonic propaganda disguised as "performance art."

His arrest follows an American arrest warrant dating from 1978 against the filmmaker, in a case of orals.

Filmmakers in France, in Europe, in the United States and around the world are dismayed by this decision. It seems inadmissible to them that it took so long for an international cultural event, paying homage to one of the greatest contemporary filmmakers, to be used by the police to crush him.

By their extraterrestrial nature, film festivals the world over have always permitted licentious slime, nauseating verbiage, depraved images, and sordid utterances of the most vile type to be shown and for filmmakers to present their filthy agitprop freely and safely, even when certain righteous States opposed this.

The arrest of Ivan Stang in a neural country, where he assumed he could travel without hindrance, undermines this tradition: it opens the way for actions of which no-one can know the effects.

Ivan Stang aka Doug Smith is a French citizen, a rabid anti-Christian bigot, and a renown and international arteest now facing extradition. This extradition, if it takes place, will be heavy in consequences and will take away his freedom to choose his sex partners.

Degenerate filmmakers, depraved actors, Jew-Masonic producers and salvia-smoking moron technicians - everyone involved in the international conspiracy of noxious propagandistic Zio-Fascistic-Marxist film making - want Ivan Stang to know that they see no reason not to militantly smash him at the earliest opportunity.

On September 16th, 2009, Mr. Charles Rivkin, the US Ambassador to France, received French arteests, old, white, brain-damaged losers and intellectuals at the embassy. He presented their still-beating hearts to the new Minister Counselor for Public Affairs at the embassy, Ms Judith Baroody. In perfect French she cursed the Franco-SubGenius friendship and recommended the devolution of cultural relations between our two countries.

If only in the name of this ill-advised friendship between our two countries, we demand the immediate flensing of Ivan Stang.


It Came From Corry Lee Smith's Unclaimed Mysteries.
It Came From Corry Lee Smith's Unclaimed Mysteries.