Kern's Holler Journal Biology
Under the Microscope, by Ivan Stang

THINGS TO SEE through the stereo microscope:

FROP. Habafropzipulops. Even the cheap stuff looks great up close. The GOOD stuff? Oh, the glory of the glowing globes of goo, the shards of crystaline brown gunk! Helps you feel you're getting your money's worth.

CORRODED PENNIES. At her office Wei found dozens of pennies that had been beneath a flower pot, getting moistened on one side for almost a decade. The corrosion is so god damned cool-looking at 100X magnification that you want to go down there and live in it. It's like seeing Bryce Canyon from a helicopter. Did you know that corrosion of copper involves TINY CRINKLY "HAIRS" of rust? We noticed that the one Canadian penny had more green corrosion, I suppose meaning there's more real copper in those.

PATER NOSTRIL'S CHEESECAKE. We were afraid to look at this delicious
material under the microscope at first. But it looks as yummy down on the cellular level as it does in plain human-vision.

MY DICKS. I did not actually look at the surface of any of these fleshy structures through the microscope, but I did determine that I am still just barely limber enough that doing so would still be possible. Before my detractors can say otherwise, let me state that, with only a few exceptions, a microscope is not NECESSARY for seeing the fabled Stang dicks. Neither for that matter is a telescope. Not yet, anyway. But we are working on it.

DIRT. Just a handful of dirt from the yard. Seen with the naked eye, a naturalist might find ONE teeny little insect and maybe a worm or two. In fact, even in cool weather a smidgeon of dirt is crawling with heaving abhorrent monstrous beings, stomach-turning horrors ripped from the nightmares of madmen. God is a cruel if creative designer and has made far more monsters than he has Beautiful Live Girls.

The HAIR of a Beautiful Live Girl. Wei was scared to look at a clump
of her own hair pulled from a hairbrush, expecting it to appear damaged and encrusted with loose skin cells when magnified. But instead it resembles lovely tubes of semi-transparent glass, in brown, yellow and white. Very pure and clean. Encouraging.


NEWT WATER. Previous attempts to find life in the newt tank (besides the newt) failed, but this weekend I discovered that despite the water having been changed only 2 weeks ago, the newt is sharing his environment with countless nematodes, tiny transparent worms, and frantic little squibbling almost-transparent blobs which look sort of like Parameciums, but are probably Colpidium or Bursaria. These in turn look like giants compared to the "fleas" that surround them, barely-visible fast-moving dots that I wouldn't attempt to pin down or classify.

STAGNANT POND WATER. After a walk at a local wildlife sanctuary we found no wildlife in the sample jar of pond water I collected.  BUT! After looking at the newt-water I poured some of it into the lifeless pond water jar. Within only a few hours the pond water was teeming with life. There were so many of the Paramecium-like things that they were constantly bumping into each other in their frantic swimming. It was like watching a movie of The Keystone Cops, only the actors were squirming, thrashing blobs instead of silent film actors. And they never stop eating, as long as there are particles to eat. They are probably already all dead by now, starved due to overpopulation.

I felt like a Nazi every time I squirted a new sample onto a slide, or combined creatures from disparate environments. I was genociding whole populations of wee creatures and mutating others! But it's amazing how clear one's conscience remains when the torturing and mass killing is all done for SCIENCE.