Kern's Holler Journal Drinkin Science
That
Wine Will Give You a Headache!
by Tater Gumfries and Bo Coogan
Abstract: We been drinkin a lot of wine recently so we figured we'd better find out how bad it kicks you in the head. So we set up an experiment involving drinkin some more wine than a body ought, then wakin up the next mornin and tryin to mend that old fence. Found out that more than a bottle a piece, and we couldn't ram the post hole digger without losin our lunch.
Introduction
Tater had to lay off the whiskey about a month ago because of the bleedin, but ain't no way Tater gonna go to bed without a couple under his belt. So Tater thought maybe he'd switch to wine instead, on account of Othelia told him that wine won't make you belled or give you a headache. Problem is, Tater don't normally drink wine, and he don't really know nothin about it except which end you open up. But he don't believe it won't give you a headache, so he figures he ought to see for sure, for science, you understand.
Lucky for ol Tater, his cousin Bo drinks wine professional. Bo owns the liquor store up in Humbert, and every Tuesday that rep comes by and has Bo taste five or six new wines, so Bo knows which ones is the good ones. Well, sir, when Tater told Bo he was writin him a article on drinkin, Bo got excited as a gal at a shoe sale. Bo said he'd supply the wine if Tater would put his name in this here article. Well, Tater don't have no objection, as long as it don't interfere with the science. Sure, Bo probably wanted his name in here just for the free publicity for his liquor store, but that won't affect the conclusions none. Don't make no difference if the Little Brown Jug on 6th and Wooley in Humbert is mentioned in the story or not.
So anyway, Tater and Bo did some drinkin on Bo's dime, so that they could figure just how much a wine headache gonna hurt. For science.
Method
Bo and Tater got them a couple of cases of red wine and a couple of cases of white wine. Every night at 7:00, we opened up a few of em, and poured us a couple glasses. Then we repeated the process every half a hour until we fell asleep or threw up, whichever was first. Usually we could finish off a couple three bottles a piece if we was workin at it. But because of how big that wine is compared to the whiskey, we usually didn't finish more than a couple, and a few times just one bottle a piece.
Then the next morning we went out to the creek, you know the one runs behind Roy Cooter's place? Well, Roy's fence needs mendin since before the 9-11, what with all the posts rotting off at the base. So we took Roy's post hole digger and tried to dig out them rotten post bases so that we could replace em. That was the test. Jammin that post hole digger into the ground gives a body quite a jolt, and bounces the brain every time you ram it down. The way we figured it, of that didn't set off the hangover, don't nothin will.
Results
We found that if we only drank one bottle a night, we was all right the next day. We could ram that post hole digger right down in there no trouble. Sure, we had to take a break to have a smoke every ten minutes or so, but we was able to work from eleven a.m. until almost one o'clock. Now, if we had two or more bottles, we could only dig us a couple of holes before it started coming back on us. Hell, one time Bo threw up in the hole Tater just dug.
Anyway, we weren't worth much if we'd had more than a couple of bottles.
Conclusions
That wine will give you a headache, just as sure as whiskey does. Lucky for you and Tater, and for the gals too, you can drink a lot more wine than you can whiskey before it busts your punkin. But you drink more than a bottle a night, you askin for trouble.