Topological Trousers

Author: Tater Gumfries

ABSTRACT: Did you ever wake up after a night of drinkin, and put your pants on backwards, or come home too drunk to take em off? Well, sir, you ain't alone. But Tater's done some ponderin on this, and just might have a three dollar idea.

The other night Tater was so damned drunk after settin with ol Buck and his jug down to the Seed-n-Feed that he just lay down on the rug, didn't take off his coveralls or nothin. Needles to say, when Marlene found him on the floor the next day, he got quite a cussin. And that weren't the worst of it, Tater'll tell ya true. Once he got up, Marlene pulled off them dirty clothes and warshed em. Tater didn't have nothin to wear but his church pants, and he was too damned hung over to get em on right. Fact is, he got em on backwards and got his dooley caught in the zipper.  Hurt like the dickens.

Well, sir, Tater commenced to pondering, and like he always done when he's ponderin, he likes to get to that libary up in Humbert, or at least over to the bookmobile.

It was a red letter day. They had them a book on "topology", which Tater thinks is just a fancy word for math with a lot of pictures. They had pictures of coffee cups and donuts, which right away made Tater hungry, and a jug with the handle go back in the bottom of the jug, and a belt that was hooked up with a twist in it.  And that ain't all, they had them some real fine lookin equations supposed to tell you about them pictures, cept Tater couldn't make hide nor hare of them things nohow, so he just looked at the pictures, which was drew real good so you could tell just what's like to happen.

Now, like he told you, Tater was there to ponder on the pants problem, and just like that the answer come. Tater needed him some Mobius pants. That's pants ain't got but one side. That way, when you're too jumpy to get it right, you just puts em on one way or t'other, and ain't nothin wrong with em. You can't get em on wrong, because they only got one side!

That ain't all. After a spell, it hit ol Tater like a big bag of feed to the head -- he needed him some Klein coveralls too! That jug Tater told you about with the handle that goes back in the bottom? The book said that jug didn't have no inside or outside. Its both sides was the inside and the outside. That means Tater gets him some Klein coveralls, don't have to take them off. They's already on, and don't have to put them on, cause they already off!

Tater's a little afeared that they might need some special handlin come washday, but that's where Marlene comes in. She does the wash. Now them math pants is her bother.

The only thing left to do is give Hagar a call. They was kind enough to make special pants for President Johnson, all he had to do was call em up. Tater figures they could fix him right up with a pair or two. Might even start a new line, Tater promotes em right.

Tater's Topological Trousers.

Has a nice ring to it, doncha think?