That Pie is Cool Enough, Dammit

Author: Tater Gumfries

The other day Tater was eatin some ribs and such with his kin, including his sistern law Mardeen, who had baked her a cherry pie. Now Mardeen is known for her pies, even in her home state of North Carolina, where pies are held in high esteem. Well, sir, we had been done eating for most of half a hour, and we was ready for a slice or two of that pie. But wouldn't you know, Mardeen wouldn't cut that pie; she claimed it weren't cool enough yet.

Now, Tater don't want no trouble, but by God, that pie was good and ready as far as Tater was concerned. But she weren't having none of it. Problem was, she didn't know no science, leastwise the sort of pie science that would prove that pie was cool enough to slice up and give ol Tater some.

Here's a truckload of reasons that pie was cool enough.

1. We's up at over 5000 feet, so the air pressure is less than at sea level, and them water molecules could evaporate more easy.

2. Because of the altitude, we's movin through space faster than we would be at sea level, so time is goin slower for us, accordin to Einstein. She thinks only half a hour has passed, but at sea level it would have been coolin a whole lot longer than that. Einstein, dammit!

3. Also because of relativistic contraction along the direction of motion, that pie dish and the metal trivet both had a higher density, and should conduct heat away from that cherry pie better'n otherwise.

4. Relativity wise, the heat emission gonna be shifted towards the red, so them photons carry more heat energy away than if the frequency was more in the blue.

5. Also relatively, she's Tater's sistern law, and ought to listen to ol Tater when he says he wants some pie!

Note added in press: Now mind you, Tater eventually did get some of that pie, and it was worth the wait, except, dadgumit, Tater don't like to wait!