Social Sciences

Children Require Drugs.

A lesson in sociology
by Rev. Back It On Up 13.

I do not have any children.  I am now "at that age", where my older relatives are starting to ask desperate questions.  My intentionally childless friends are eying me with suspicion, as if at any moment I may become a traitor to their cause and they will have to pretend to be happy for me.  My friends with children often urgently remind me that time is running out, and if I am to join their club, I'm going to have to crack down on my uterus and get to breeding.

None of this phases me, because I know something about children. Children require drugs.

I'm not talking about the kind of calming pills they give children all the time anymore.  I am talking about every day, hardcore, illegal drugs.  Check it out.

Children do things constantly that are utterly unacceptable.  Let's say you or I have an impending bowel movement while we are waiting in a long line for something, like at the DMV.  We make a choice.  We either lose our place in line and go TCB, or we hold it.  Not children.  Children have no impulse control over even the most important societal matters.  Children just let it loose, shitting themselves.  Children require incontinence drugs.

Sometimes, I will be sitting in some boring meeting at work, listening to some bozo go on and on and on and on about policies and procedures, and valuations and blah blah blah.  I will find myself wanting to let out a scream of despair.  But do I?  NO.  I hold it in, slowly watching tiny piece after tiny piece of my soul die.  A child would not do this.  A child would throw back its head and shriek, or kick its legs fanatically, or hurl itself onto the floor, flailing its limbs.  If I did this, and someone tried to pick me up, I would probably let them lead me away in disgrace, as nature intended.  But a child would do that weird thing where they pickup their arms and make their legs go limp so they can be neither lifted up nor set down. Children require anti-psychotic drugs.

When I am hungry, I will look through my larders for something acceptable to eat.  I will oftentimes pass over sifu's oreos, or ice cream, or other delicious things, in favor of small frozen platters of wilty noodles and chunks of "chicken" in Lite Sauce with Diced Roasted Peppars or some such, because this is what God and Nature intended for my pancreas and everything.  Children do not exercise this kind of responsible judgement.  They will eat the entire box of oreos, vomit it up on themselves, then proceed as if nothing happened, leaving the mess for others to deal with.  Children require diet drugs.

Children besmear every surface in their vicinity with toxic snot particles.  Children require flu drugs.

Children will see other children holding some fascinating toy and simply walk up, knock the other child down, and take the prize. Children require anti-aggression drugs.

I think the legalization of marijuana would probably be a step in the right direction, if only because it is one step closer to drugging the holy living fuck out of every child in this country, so they stop shitting, and snotting, and gorging, and pounding the crap out of each other.

The children are our future.  Drug them senseless.