Doc Martian Poetry Slam

Today's feature: The Doc Martian poetry slam!

Grasping desperately at straws
from soda cups with greasy claws
unwashed hands tapping the keys
and wiping stains upon his sleeve
"That is it! I'll take no more!"
"I will show them I am Epopt" he roared
"That is it! This is that!"
And he typed out the words "You are fat"
He guffawed, "that will get them good"
And he settled into a gluttonous mood
Decide to crawl upstairs
To see what treats Mommy had up there

Those stairs took a while to scale
Creaking as each foot did fell
The railing grips with firm resolve
To ensure against impending fall

Yet the unwashed slime upon his hands
(with virii that would take out a lessor man)
Had such a lubricating effect
As he tripped over his pants
that were soaked with sweat
For such a climb was quite hard work
He'd only eaten 4 times this hour
and skipped desert

He tried to regain his misplaced step
But his attempts were met with no effect
A crash! A crack! A thud! A moan!
A breathless pause and then a groan!

He found himself upon the floor
And staring at the distant door
he cried for help from dear old Mother
Be then he recalled, just like his brother
that she was gone he was alone,
He could call for help on the telephone

But instead he would call for domino's
to deliver food to the basement window
he could pay with his late mums credit card
To be paid off with SSI checks from afar.

Then return to his excrement stain seat
to dole out his punishments on the weak
to save the world as epopts do
From mean old stang, and the mean old jews



Oh what a failure to be seen
He must retort to those who mean
him harm in his fight for the middle east
Who dare to stop the great hambeast

Manboobs Neckbeard Fly away!
To live to fight another day!
Ego bruised only one resort
To use his most oft used retort

Post them fast! Post them again!
Mean old Stang he kicked me out!
But He is weak against Epopt Clout!"

"Never you mind its not my group
Stealing ideas is my strong suit
But its not stealing I shall provide proof
Or not, perhaps I will be aloof"

"My lack of logic is not disputed
I will spit out garble firmly rooted
In my desire to to avoid the facts
that point out just what I lack"

"My mommy loved my brother best
But too late now, he's laid to rest
She has to cater to ME ME ME
I am the SURVIVOR! Dont you see"

"So give up now, and stop you jabs
All you do is make me mad
I will show you this very day
I am HIGH EPOPT listen to what I say"

"Or I will tell Mommy on you."



When we consider how poor Kevin's life is spent
Fantasizing bold adventure while he naps inside
Arousing meager member with a tube of astroglide
While up above his mother scuffles for the rent,

We wonder, does he truly think his life is heaven sent?
Without mom's help, would he in shiftless sloth abide?
Or would he badger other kin, demanding a free ride?
We wonder, not too often, and not to great extent.

When ma called down "I'm goin out -- there anything you need?"
Was Kevin just too drunk to raise his head up from his dimpled chest?
When he scrapes up the nacho sauce remaining on his plate
To lubricate his palm as he begins again to rouse his seed,
For some Del Taco counter girl who, he remembers, showed some breast:
We wonder, were we in his shoes, would this also be our fate?


Doc Martian, Doc Martian, oh how do you groom?
With your acne marked skin and your hair like a broom
Do you take a quick sponge bath in mom's vacant room?
Or roll on a pile of Vogue tear-out perfumes?

Doc Martian, Doc Martian, oh how do you groom?

Doc Martian Doc Martian, though your hair drips with gook
Still the girls are impressed cause you wrote you a book.
Though the jealous reviewers all gave it the hook
Did you see that sweet babe? She just gave you the look!
And that's sweet redemption in everyone's book.

Doc Martian, Doc Martian, your charity shines
You are hailed as the savior of new Palestine
The Muslims all love you, and to Jews you're divine
Won't be long till Subgenius gals fall in line!
Won't be long till Subgenius gals fall in line!

Tater Gumfries


Phineas J. Martian's his name,
too late the abortionist came,
His mom, forced to bear
her dispicable heir
No Brillo can scrub off her shame.

My sympathy goes to his Mother.
what burden she bore like no other,
He still lives at home,
which prompts her to moan,
"Thank Jeebus I bore him no brother"


Epitome of the internet basement-dweller
Boy-oh-boy, ain't he a stinky feller!
He's a big man-child, sticky and slick
How long's it been since he's seen his dick?

Never seen greasy hair like that before
Bet he couldn't get pussy from a whore
Smokes his mom's medicinal marijuana
Guys like this really make me wanna...
Shit. On their lawn.

Rev. Anna Dynamite


"O Martian! My Martian! Your fearful breath is ripe,
There's guacamole on your shirt, your mouth moves when you type,
Del taco calls, your IQ falls with every mastication,
With flooze obsessed, you pound your breast, indulge in masturbation,
But O', fart! fart! fart!
O' the drippy splash of brown,
Where on the couch my Martian lies,
Ass up, and face down."

Rev. BIOU 13


Martian, Martian, burning bright,
In the bathroom, late at night,
Why on earth do you eschew,
Soap, deodorant, shampoo?

By what fateful childhood trauma
Do you hold to this aroma?
From what hygienic mistakes,
Came you by those dandruff flakes?

What misfortune fell upon
A man with ladies’ glasses on?
Indio girls resist a lover
Who mooches from his poor old mother!

Why the tacos?  Why the beans?
Does your end deserve these means?
Lament the agonized romance
Between your dinner, and your pants.

As you loaf in the living room,
Does your mother curse her womb?
Does she look back on that load,
Wishing she had but swallowed?

Martian, Martian, burning bright,
Rummage in the fridge at night,
How can this injustice be?
Did she who paid to “Bob”, make thee?

Rev. BIOU 13


Day after day, we snipe at each other
Me beside sifu, he with his mother
Separated only by computer  screens
With no real reason for being so mean

My head is big, an established fact
I can be nasty, devoid of tact
Everyone knows that I’m sometimes lewd
Am I so different from that Doc Martian dude?


He still lives with his poor old mother
Washes his hair with melted butter
Obsessing, regressing, stalking and stewing,
Swallows burritos without even chewing

Said to be dangerous to little girls,
Running his fingers through greasy curls,
Delusional loser who must be stopped,
Self-published novelist, Low Epopt

In spite of the evidence, thinks he’s handsome
Known for occasional lolspeak tantrums
Uses mom’s credit card with no regrets
Sprinkles the newsgroup with vague lame threats

The Martian we wish would go back to Mars,
Neckbeard to cover up acne scars,
Not a SubGenius, no friend to Jews,
Desperately trying to nail the Flooze

Day after day, we insult each other,
Me wrapped in clean clothes, he in blubber
Nothing in common, as far as I know,
The smelly scourge of Indio.

Rev. BIOU 13


Doc Martain!
Thy stench brings down the home values of Indio
Taco Crumbs and Grease Stains trail where ever thy go!

Doc Martain!
Thy ass reeks of feces and methane it does blow
Thy Face makes the vultures take off and go!

Doc Martian!
Twiddle dick of the Interwebs Thy be!
sitting in a puddle of thy own pee!

Richard Skull