Doc Martian Poetry Slam


Today's feature: The Doc Martian poetry slam!

Doc Martian, Doc Martian, oh how do you groom?
With your acne marked skin and your hair like a broom
Do you take a quick sponge bath in mom's vacant room?
Or roll on a pile of Vogue tear-out perfumes?

Doc Martian, Doc Martian, oh how do you groom?

Doc Martian Doc Martian, though your hair drips with gook
Still the girls are impressed cause you wrote you a book.
Though the jealous reviewers all gave it the hook
Did you see that sweet babe? She just gave you the look!
And that's sweet redemption in everyone's book.

Doc Martian, Doc Martian, your charity shines
You are hailed as the savior of new Palestine
The Muslims all love you, and to Jews you're divine
Won't be long till Subgenius gals fall in line!
Won't be long till Subgenius gals fall in line!

Tater Gumfries


Phineas J. Martian's his name,
too late the abortionist came,
His mom, forced to bear
her dispicable heir
No Brillo can scrub off her shame.

My sympathy goes to his Mother.
what burden she bore like no other,
He still lives at home,
which prompts her to moan,
"Thank Jeebus I bore him no brother"


Epitome of the internet basement-dweller
Boy-oh-boy, ain't he a stinky feller!
He's a big man-child, sticky and slick
How long's it been since he's seen his dick?

Never seen greasy hair like that before
Bet he couldn't get pussy from a whore
Smokes his mom's medicinal marijuana
Guys like this really make me wanna...
Shit. On their lawn.

Rev. Anna Dynamite


"O Martian! My Martian! Your fearful breath is ripe,
There's guacamole on your shirt, your mouth moves when you type,
Del taco calls, your IQ falls with every mastication,
With flooze obsessed, you pound your breast, indulge in masturbation,
But O', fart! fart! fart!
O' the drippy splash of brown,
Where on the couch my Martian lies,
Ass up, and face down."

Rev. BIOU 13


Martian, Martian, burning bright,
In the bathroom, late at night,
Why on earth do you eschew,
Soap, deodorant, shampoo?

By what fateful childhood trauma
Do you hold to this aroma?
From what hygienic mistakes,
Came you by those dandruff flakes?

What misfortune fell upon
A man with ladies’ glasses on?
Indio girls resist a lover
Who mooches from his poor old mother!

Why the tacos?  Why the beans?
Does your end deserve these means?
Lament the agonized romance
Between your dinner, and your pants.

As you loaf in the living room,
Does your mother curse her womb?
Does she look back on that load,
Wishing she had but swallowed?

Martian, Martian, burning bright,
Rummage in the fridge at night,
How can this injustice be?
Did she who paid to “Bob”, make thee?

Rev. BIOU 13


Day after day, we snipe at each other
Me beside sifu, he with his mother
Separated only by computer  screens
With no real reason for being so mean

My head is big, an established fact
I can be nasty, devoid of tact
Everyone knows that I’m sometimes lewd
Am I so different from that Doc Martian dude?


He still lives with his poor old mother
Washes his hair with melted butter
Obsessing, regressing, stalking and stewing,
Swallows burritos without even chewing

Said to be dangerous to little girls,
Running his fingers through greasy curls,
Delusional loser who must be stopped,
Self-published novelist, Low Epopt

In spite of the evidence, thinks he’s handsome
Known for occasional lolspeak tantrums
Uses mom’s credit card with no regrets
Sprinkles the newsgroup with vague lame threats

The Martian we wish would go back to Mars,
Neckbeard to cover up acne scars,
Not a SubGenius, no friend to Jews,
Desperately trying to nail the Flooze

Day after day, we insult each other,
Me wrapped in clean clothes, he in blubber
Nothing in common, as far as I know,
The smelly scourge of Indio.

Rev. BIOU 13


Doc Martain!
Thy stench brings down the home values of Indio
Taco Crumbs and Grease Stains trail where ever thy go!

Doc Martain!
Thy ass reeks of feces and methane it does blow
Thy Face makes the vultures take off and go!

Doc Martian!
Twiddle dick of the Interwebs Thy be!
sitting in a puddle of thy own pee!

Richard Skull