Doc Martian Poetry Slam


You are not a cowboy!


"O Martian, my dear, this does everything crown!
Who could have supposed you’d be dressed all in brown?
All dressed up in spurs and in leather, I see?
O didn't you know I’m a cowboy?" said he.

"You feast upon nachos, and stuffed jalapeno,
Dosing up your sarsaparilla with beano;
And now you drive cattle with impunity!"
"Yes: that's what we do when we’re cowboys," said he.

"But how can the horse hold your massive ass high?
Does it quake under belly, and ass cheek, and thigh?
The poor thing will be shot if you shatter its knee!"
"Such is the risk for a cowboy," said he.

"Do the elegant women of Indio swoon
For a man with a ten gallon hat and spittoon?
How can you deal with the celibacy?"
"A cowboy does not need vagina," said he.

"Back in the saddle again?  What a laugh,
You’d look as absurd as skates on a giraffe,
How do you proceed so delusionally?"
"Life does not make sense for a cowboy," said he.

"I wish I could be like a pirate or nurse,
A rockstar, a ninja, or something perverse!
With no chains to bind me to reality,”
“Bo0p dee7 nenslo cowboy d00p forehead," said he.

Rev Snazz

Cowboys have style
They don't like to fuck children
This is topical!

Cowboy sit in field
His horse pissing on his face
Cowboy so happy

In Brokeback Mountain
Some really gay stuff happened
But it wasn't rape!


One the 4th day of November, he was still dressed
In painfully tight boots, and a brown plastic vest
With chaps made by his mother of vinyl and rivets
To help repel the stains that upon them would visit

His feet so swollen from sodium consumption
The Del Taco gas rumbling from an earlier luncheon
He stood firm as he could in those womens boots
He stole from his mother, as he did all his loot

"I'm a cowboy" he shouted for no one to hear
"I'm a cowboy" he shouted "and Israel should fear!"
"I'm the great american hero to save Palestine"
"I'm a cowboy and you'll listen to my wretched lines"

But as we mentioned before he was all alone
His voice it echoed thru the hall of his mothers home
Down in the basement there was finally a thud
It seems high heeled boots don't work well for a slug.

Anna Dynamite

Ridin' the range from the comfort of the basement;
Ain't nowheres this cowboy ain't been yet.
Saddlin' up for another day of roamin'
All from the confines of his mamma's home.

He gonna' git them dogies along, you bet!
Gonna' whip us all into shape, don't fret!
High epoptin' ain't easy when you're a rough rider
Every wimmins he sees, wishes he were inside 'er. 

It's a long hard trail all the way to Del Taco
Like to hire a trailhand and name him Lil' Paco
Go out a ridin' that lonesome range jus' a' singin'
Sadly, though, to sanity he's jus' a' clingin'.


To attempt to insult without making sense
Proves your lack of competence

Maybe you should talk about your failed book
Or pine of the hooker and the virginity she took 

Perhaps you could justify being the child
who never left mama to live in the wild 

Or maybe you can tell us once again 
how you single handedly save the Palestinians?

We are all bored and you are ignorant but amusing
You are here for us to abuse, why is this confusing?


High on the hills in a field of grass,

Large of belly and thick of ass,
Into the sunset he rides aloft,
Neck all bearded and jowls all soft,
The Greatest Cowboy Who Ever Lived –
Kevin:  The Indio Beefstick

Following loyal, his trusty cow,
Deeper in love than the laws allow,
Charging to victory in a fringed suede vest,
Drippings of taco sauce on his chest,
The Noblest Cowboy Who Ever Lived –
Kevin:  The Indio Beefstick

After a long day on the range,
Engaging in actions that some call strange,
Feet decked out in his novelty boots,
A swell of pride in his manly boobs,
The Strangest Cowboy Who Ever Lived –
Kevin:  The Indio Beefstick

In the Wild West where the jackalope dance,
Bouncing on horseback in assless pants,
Making the poor horse sway and list,
Grasping chalupas in each fat fist,
The Hungriest Cowboy Who Ever Lived –
Kevin:  The Indio Beefstick 


When I received Doc’s calling card

I thought it was Doc Holliday,
So damp of loins and nipples hard,
I eagerly went out that day,
To see his shiny silver gun –
But it was Kevin Anderson.

What a surprise I met with there,
No dapper stud, no slick moustache,
Just flaky scalp and greasy hair,
And bearded neck like sidewalk rash.
My hopes were high for cowboy fun –
But it was Kevin Anderson.

So now I sit here, sad and blue,
Without my personal John Wayne.
No horse to tell my secrets to,
This old cow-hand is an old cow-pain.
When the chaps come off, I’m gonna run
From cowboy Kevin Anderson

Anna Dynamite

Imagine if you will
A tubby, chubby man
Wearing a suede vest
And a tiny little hat

Imagine the stringy hair
Picture the chapped ass
Shiny, greasy forehead
So unbelievably fat

Oh, the Loneliest Ranger
Roam the deserted mind
The echoes of sadness
With nothing to gnaw at

Got a toy gun to fire
But he's out of ammo
His steed is a sofa
In his pants, a splat

Oh, the Loneliest Ranger
Roaming his deserted mind
Echoing in sadness
Silence of a gnat. 


The outlook wasn't brilliant for the cowboy gang that day:
They squatted in their saddles with their bellies in the way.
And when Schizobeck farted, Purple did the same,
A sickly silence fell on one – Doc Martian was his name.

The one eleven guy got up in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the cowboy breast;
They thought, we need a leader here upon a mighty steed -
And so the cowboy pack charged on, with Martian at the lead.

The sky was filled with spiders, there were reptiles in the air,
The landscape was a taco and Steve Guttenberg was there;
With so much peril all around, the cowboys surely shat,
But at the head of everything the fearless Martian sat.

When suddenly, without a warning, J’lahn gave a shout,
“The Sacred Scribe has just arrived, and Nenslo is about!”;
And when the dust had lifted, and they saw what had occurred,
There was Martian barging forth and flipping Stang the bird.

Then from the throat of Alcandor there rose a lusty yell;
And from the rump of Schizobeck there rose a musty smell;
That Guy made up silly words and Purple clutched his heart,
For Martian, mighty Martian, blasted one more taco fart.

There was ease in Martian’s manner as battled Palestine;
There was pride in Martian’s bearing as he groped at Stang’s behind.
Shirley swooned with mother’s pride to watch the shit go down,
The greatest cowboy ever, Martian, charging into town.

The eyes of all were upon him as he smeared his hair with grease;
The little girls declined his pleas for manual release.
The fearsome form of Nenslo rose up on the horizon
The cowboy kooks all followed suit when Martian drew his gun.

The pack of cowboys parted to let mighty Martian pass,
The faithful Purple by his side with coffee up his ass.
Close by ruthless Alcandor to militantly smash-
Any punk who’d lay a hand on Martian’s brave moustache.

From the branches up above, a wild hullabaloo,
Shrieking just like Schizobeck at a papa john’s interview.
The cowboys cringed in terror at the loud advancing sound;
And its likely they'd a shit themselves, were Martian not around.

Purple cowered on his horse, and That Guy hid his face;
One-one-one guy showed contempt; Alcandor, distaste;
Some guy named Jim, I don’t  know him, just pissed his pants and ran;
But Martian stood up gallantly, a taco in his hand.

"I don’t have time for science facts, I can not write haiku,
I steal from others’ web designs, for that’s all I can do.
I’m back in the saddle again, I keep my posts on top,”
And the cowboy kooks burst into cheers to honor their Epopt

The dreaded foe was looming, Martian braced for the assault
It was IMBJR with posts from Google’s ancient vault.
With nothing else to do that night, No Cloon to give him head,
He posted links of Martian’s to humiliate him dead.

I have heard that there are newsgroups where the sun is shining bright,
Where folks tell funny stories and the kooks show up to fight,
Where there’s babbling for “Bob” and the occasional fairy tale,
But the mighty cowboy Martian’s just a giant blob of fail.

Tater Gumfries

As Tater walked into the local Del Taco.
As Tater walked into Del Taco one day,
He spied ol Doc Martian there with a burrito,
Some beans, a tortilla, some cheese and mole.

"I can see by your outfit that you ain't no cowboy."
These words Martian said as ol Tater walked by.
"Come an' sit down beside me an' hear my sad story.
"I'm so full of farts that I surely must die."

"It was in my mom's basement, I wrote my first novel.
"And in that same basement, had sex every day.
"Fought for the poor Palestinian people.
"But I'm so full of farts that I'm dying today."

"Get sixty stout cowboys to carry my coffin.
"Six hot web-cam girls to bear up my pall.
"Throw bags full of tacos all over my coffin.
"Tortillas beneath me to cushion the fall."

"Then beat the dog slowly, and break it's back lowly.
"Play some punk rock as you carry me along.
"Take me to the Del Taco, at 6th and Encinas,
"I'm a great artist, and they all done me wrong."

"Then go write a letter to my mother Shirley,
"An' tell her the rest of the pot's in the bong.
"But please not one word of my pedophile stories.
"Don't mention their names so my fame will live on."

Well, after a minute, the french fries was ready.
Doc Martian rolled up to the counter to pay.
Tater sighed to hisself with a grim resignation,
Doc Martian would live on to see a new day.

It looked like the farts that he feared had subsided,
The deadly effect that he feared had long gone.
And all the Subgenii who'd got so excited
At his pending demise, were proved tragically wrong.