Doc Martian Poetry Slam


On Getting Laid

Up on the rooftop, fuck, fuck, fuck
Seems that someone got some luck!
Braggin' 'bout his baby on the internet
Somethin' we never thought he'd get!

Oh, ho, ho, it wasn't even Shirley
Vinyl hole, passin' for a real girly!

Up on the rooftop, "she's" in heat
Sex with a Fleshlight can't be beat! 

(This message brought to you by Fleshlight! For all your holiday
shopping needs)

Anna Dynamite

It was not on a special holiday,
Nor was it that the planets were aligned,
Nor did it happen only in his mind,
Doc Martian got a voluntary lay.

It happened thus, God did not intervene,
She showed up at his doorstop, dripping wet
Looking like she'd lost some kind of bet,
And to the roof she went to ride his peen. 

And when the passion ended, she went back
To see the clinic, downtown Indio
And Martian, with his slick post-coital glow,
Broke his neck to post it to alt.slack


I sing the body Doc Martian;
The armies of those whom he loveth try to engirth him
To no avail...
They will not let him off the roof, till he get off of them, and they
respond to him not.
Can he uncrush them and charge them full with what has leaked out of
their orifices.

Rev Doctor LoBotomy

Two friends met on the road one day,
Talked about what they'd done with their lives
One friend said, "I'm a butcher now,
I've got a house and a few ex-wives.
I'd like to hear your story.  You've heard mine."
"Well, I got laid on the roof one time."

Out in the rectory, after church,
Grannies and holy folks, meet the priest.
He shakes their hands as they shuffle and lurch,
Smiles at each as they say their piece.
Greets a large man at the back of the line.

University's graduation day,
Someone is needed to make a speech.
Paid with a taco and stashed away,
Up on the podium, out of reach
He will inspire their eager minds:
"I got laid on the roof one time." 

Years go by, Martian gets old,
Life in the basement turns him pale
Thousands of tacos take their toll,
He dies, enormous, bloated, frail
From deep in the grave, his voice reminds,
"I got laid on the roof one time."


Doc Martian, Doc Martian
Tater hears you got laid
And not in the usual way
You got you a gal
made of real flesh and bones
And for once you did not have to pay

It must be excitin,
it must be so grand
to get off one time
without usin your hand
so you wrote to alt.slack
and said "strike up the band"
so we did, and your fortune was made

Tater Gumfries

I, too, fuck vagina.

I am the braggart loner.
They send me to eat at Del Taco
When company comes,
But I shout,
And eat nachos,
And grow fat. 

I'll be at alt.slack
When the SubGs come.
Nobody'll dare
Say to me,
"You've never seen vagina,"

They'll see how much sex I've had
And be ashamed-- 

I, too, fuck vagina.

Rev Anna Dynamite

A song!!!  To the tune of Tom Jones "Delilah":

I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window
I saw the flickering shadow of love on her blind
She was my woman
As she decieved me I watched and went out of my mind 

My my my Vagina
Why why why Vagina
I could see, that girl was no good for me
But I was lost like a slave that no man could free 

At break of day when that man drove away I was waiting
I crossed the street to her house and she opened the door
She stood there laughing
I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more 

My my my Vagina
Why why why Vagina
So before they come to break down the door
Forgive me Vagina I just couldn't take any more
Forgive me Vagina I just couldn't take any more


O' the mingling of the smells,
Sexy smells!
What a night of ugly bumpin', their sourness foretells
On the rooftop, late at night,
How they scream out their a'fright,
Keeping time, time, time,
In a sort of pubic rhyme,
To the discombobulation that malodorously wells
From the mingling and the merging of the smells.

O' the blasting of the smells, 

Nacho smells!
What a feast of beans and grease their gassiness foretells
At Del Taco, where the babes are,
How he hones on them like radar,
As they wriggle from his clutches,
Inappropriate he touches
Melted queso on his fingers,
How it lingers!  How it lingers!
Like the howls of ecstasy from porno girlfriend as she yells,
From the rooting and the tooting of the smells. 

O' the Desperation smells,
Martian's smells!
Reeking up the newsgroup as he feverishly tells
Of his sexual adventures,
Shirley first removed her dentures,
Wore a wig, a girdle, stockings,
And the rooftop was a'rocking!
He could tell she was not fakin',
Because later she made bacon,
They ate it from the safety of their own personal hells,
With the sad pathetic smells,
The lonely loser smells,
The oozing of the losing of the smells.


Twas a lonely sunday night
He was alone, it was alright
Up to the roof he would climb
It must be copulation time

Believe him all them they must
After he earned there trust
After this they can declare
He has seen beneath girls underwear 

Lonely, man he was so lonely
Man he was glad he had imaginary friends
Happy, yeah now he's so happy
He has an imaginary friend 

If she don't love him
he can just pretend. 

He bought a big ole sack of meth
He tried real hard to ignore her breath
The bedroom walls were all too thin
Shirely would ask him things again 

So they took off climb up on the roof
He ignore her missing tooth
Gazed on her beauty as she got high
Then she made him fell like a real guy 

Lonely, man he was so lonely
Man he was glad he had meth addicted friends
Happy, yeah now he's so happy
He has a meth addicted friend 

If she don't love him
he can just pretend.


"Doc Martian Woos a Virtuous Lady"

Oh beautiful girl, I see you there,
Alone by the taco shack.
Oh may I spray load on your pretty hair,
And over your arching back? 

Gelatinous man, the young girl said,
I may look like part of a porno,
But my virtue must keep me away from your bed
And your pecker from out of my cornhole 

O' lovely young thing, please do not fear,
Perhaps I ought to begin again.
What I mean is I wanted to enter your rear,
And make you moan like a Palestinian. 

You blubbery beast, the young girl replied,
You are painfully smelly and ugly.
My entrance is guarded, if you want inside,
I'm afraid you'll be needing to drug me. 

That won't be a problem, Doc Martian exclaimed.
It will sure be my pleasure to bone ya.
But my leavings are noxious and if you are sane,
You might want to douche with ammonia. 

So drugged up on sodium, nachos and pills,
Doc and his love interest parted.
And up on the roof showed his lovemaking skills -
One thrust, then a groan, then he farted.


One thrust one groan a few moments alone
he didnt check ID
Small petite let a tiny groan
He hoped she was 14
One bag of ice to the woman
One tiny girl for him
Without money its not prostitution
He had moms permission so it wasn't a sin.


How do I love the, let me count the ways,
$20 same as in town!

Richard Skull