Doc Martian Poetry Slam


You Are Too Fat to Call Anyone Fat Poetry Slam

"LOL, I am picking at your fat,
Rev. Nickie. -- Does it sting?"
-- "No, Martian: You have a dozen chins,
Your knee fat drapes down to your shins.
And because you are so far from thin,
It does not mean a thing.'" 

"Lol, I am picking at your weight,
Oh Pisces, do you care?"
-- "No, despite your bloated face
And all that thickness at your waist,
The lard that has your heart encased,
I can hardly tell you're there.'" 

"Lol, Floozie, I abuse ye
For your dress size, do you weep?"
-- "Nay: When I see your meaty flanks,
The apron of fat at your shanks,
I can do naught but offer thanks,
That I don't look like thee." 

"Lol, But I pick upon your fat,
Quake at my abusement!" 

-- "O', we have sexual relations,
With real men, not our own creations,
While your pathetic masturbations
Give us vast amusement." 

"Lol!  You are fat! Fat fat fat fat!...
Why won't you be my friend?"
"It must be because of your giant behind!
Your thighs that are dimpled like orange rind.
Why don't you look in a mirror some time?
Be off, or we'll kick you again!"


Late last night or the night before,
For I haven't been paying attention,
Doc Martian ate nachos and tacos galore,
Then waddled to usenet to mention:
That though he is too fat to fit in his shoes,
Some women who hate him have weight they could lose.

He hiked up his sweatpants and strode to his chair,
And feeling all ranty and ravey,
He stewed at the thought of those bitches out there,
And sipped at a mug full of gravy,
But while he has his own gravitational pull,
There are women who hate him whose figures are full. 

He lifted a manboob and what do you know,
A whole hotdog fell on the counter.
And when he scratched an itch on one pudgy elbow,
'Neath his nails was a whole quarter pounder!
But imagine his outrage at one brutal fact,
The women who hate him are curvy and stacked 

And even if they were as big as a yacht,
With skin full of craters and mouths full of rot,
They still have no wish for whatever he's got,
Kevin - the Indio Beefstick.


'Twas the day before December and all through the group,
Everyone was slamming on the phony High Epoopt.
The fattest of all had been calling us fat
Not understanding the real irony of that.

The Big Boss BIOU had called on the scene
To provide the SubG's with some poetry scheme
Little Boss Anna first arose to the challenge
Others began typing using two or more phalanges!

The poems came fast, the insults were flying
Everyone knows that Doc Martian is lying
About having income, sex and a girlfriend
My goodness it seems that his lies never end! 

We all gathered 'round the warmth of our screens
As LoBotomy and Tater started using their beans
Creating such fine verse to cast out and to mock
The lump of grease we unaffectionately call "Doc." 

A man, if you must, who is so utterly loathsome,
Who likely still suckles upon his mother's bosom.
The classic basement dweller, replete with neckbeard,
And a love for small girls that's way beyond weird.

An oaf of a creature who hates our dear Nickie
So hateful for being unable to find his own dickie.
The mounds of his fat must feed his deep anger!
Why didn't his mother kill him with a hanger? 

His attacks on sweet Pisces are completely unneeded.
Why does Doc Martian feel so absolutely cheated
In life, in love, in day to day relation?
He's the most obnoxious fucker in all of creation. 

What's this? Legume fires one off with great skill!
His brusque yet vivid language goes in for the kill!
And mysteriously our Martian has yet to retort
I must wonder if his mission he's decided to abort. 

His mission of calling us all fatty fat fatties
Of bragging about roof-sex...oh, please! He's gone batty!
Not one of his girth could ever even attempt
Such a feat, for he is so goddamn unkempt. 

The aroma of stale taco wafts 'round his thick noggin.
While his cock is lonely, wishing for a good floggin'.
The crust of old sweat, the stench of the pits,
The mat of the greased hair, the pair of man-tits. 

He farts! He belches! He grunts and he groans!
Wishing his poor welfare mother would leave him alone!
So vile and so gross, the thick sausage fingers
Poke and prod at the keyboard while the odor just lingers. 

The emperor of nothing, the High Epopt of none,
Firing off lame insults, but it's no longer much fun.
He's not one of us and he never once was;
Yet he still comes back scraping for wild applause.

What else can we do when he can't take a hint?
Should we just accept him and wait out his stint?
Or do we rise up and road trip to fair Indio,
Chop down the door and rope him with a lasso? 

I vote the latter! We'll have a quite fine time!
Kicking in his fat head 'til it's a pool of slime!
Ramming wooden pickles up his great big fat butt;
Let's torture our very own Jabba the Hutt! 

So to my dearest alt.slack, I must wish you all
A Happy Capitalist Season of the Almighty Dollar Dollar Bill Y'all
And to those who might frown upon this poetic sight:
A warm "Fuck Off" to you all, and to all, a Good Night!

Rev Anna Dynamite

This one is sung to the tune of "O Christmas Tree": 

O Fats McGee, O Fats McGee!
Your wailings are pathetic!
Tho' you are fat, you call US fat
We just can't be sympathetic! 

Why can't you see
That you're chubby?
And calling us fat
Is hypocrisy? 

O Doc Marty, your fatassery
Is more than just genetic!

Rev Anna Dynamite

I will laugh my ass
clean off when he starts calling
Rev. Magdalen fat.

Rev Nikki

To the tune of Jingle Bells!

Pantiara fat? PANTIARA FAT?!
What the fuck does he mean?
He must be completely blind,
For she is long and lean. 

Jesus Fucking Christ
That pig is such a dumbass
He's the fattest of them all
And he's got no fucking class! 

Oh! Call us fat! We're all fat!
Just because we're rude
It's clear he cannot take a joke
Doc Martian: FUCK YOU, DUDE.

Rev Anna Dynamite

If you should call Doc fat, he'll say
"I'm fat in a superior way --
I'm fat because of passion"
"I eat Del Taco every day,
and there it is the fashion." 

"But Doc," you cry "It's just the same --
no matter who, in passion's name
should eat what they enjoy!"
"You just refuse to take the blame,
you corpulescent boy."

Tater Gumfries

There was a pot
all covered in soot
he called out the kettle
just for a hoot
The pot you see had no self worth
So he wanted to make others feel worse
than he did with his sorry life
for the soot covered pot
was roundly dispised
He was never used
and hidden away
This disuse despressed him
and so that day
He yell at the kettle
You dumb bitch look at you
you are all amiss
your finish has dulled
you have no shine
You are black as soot
No one will pay you mind.

The kettle just snickered
saying nothing at first
she let the black pot
throw out his worst.
Then she pushed the black pot
in front of some chrome
"do you ever wonder pot
why you are unused in this home?"
"See how all the soot and burned on debris
its inside and out of you dont you see" 

Then the kettle opened her lid 

and there was a bright glare
while black on the outside
she was spotless in there 

"I boil purest water for the household's iced tea"
What have you done for the household to see
Except sit there soot covered, greasy and foul
and accuse others of sins you disavow
Take a look at your self once more in the chrome
Then perhaps have some dignity and leave this happy home" 

Of course the pot refused to see
Of course the pot refused to leave
But one day the pot met a sturdy blue box
Then the pot found himself in a big noisy truck
And then world got dark, then it go hot
and we no longer worry about that ugly pot.


Working the counter, at Martian’s Del Taco,
There once was a vision in strawberry blonde.
And Martian, unable to hold in his passion,
Approached her, with love, but she waved him right on.

Saying, “Go forth to burger king, hideous Martian,
And buy there some Whoppers and have you a feast,
For I am a slender and fictional beauty,
And I’ll have no sex with the rank and obese.” 

And it was a shocking and sad revelation,
To Martian, whose mother had kept him from that
Most cruel and unusual household amenity-
He had no mirror, nor clue he was fat. 

And he thought back on life’s many years of rejections,
The pain of the failure, the sorrow of loss,
And he vowed his revenge for each wasted erection,
And vowed to eat tacos, no matter the cost. 

So he put on his favorite SubGenius t-shirt,
And struggled into his most stretchy of slacks,
And drove to the mall in his ’89 Honda
And went into Dress Barn, and hid in the racks. 

And when the girls passed him, he called out “Hey Fatty!
Your knees are so dimpled, your stomach’s not flat!”
Those furious bitches reached into the dresses
And dragged him out screaming, and saw he was fat. 

They say there was then a fierce humiliation,
But only the Dress Barn security knows
So now he picks only on far away women,
A sad, pudgy pussy, and that’s how it goes.


doc martian, blubbery,
bloated and rubbery,
knelt in the shrubbery,
a schoolgirl to glom.

He needed diversion,
an erotic immersion,
to replace the perversion
of fucking his mom. 

He was born to be wild
by his lust was beguiled--
how he wanted a child!
A naive one, he figured. 

Some tiny n00bie
with pink-nippled boobies
who liked watching SCOOBY--
Wow! His dick'd look bigger! 

His pud he pulled hard
while he crouched in her yard...
'til his senses were jarred
by the sight through the glass--! 

A beautiful teener!!!
How he tugged at his weiner,
so glad that he'd seen her--
OOH, she had a great ass! 

This girl was so fair!
With a pink-nippled pair...!
---Then he saw PUBIC HAIR (!!!)
And his hardon deflated. 

He leaned on the casement.
All sour his face went--
it was back to Mom's basement
and the hell that awaited. 

As a bitter sad loner
with negligible boner--
he'd never own her,
this Michelin Man. 

There'd be no pleasures girly.
So back home to Shirley
went her fat son all squirrely,
as slimy as flan. 

Back to life iffy
with a thin two-inch stiffy...!
He hid in the biffy
to a-pummel his meat... 

But before he could cum,
he heard, "YOU FUCKING BUM!!!"
It was his enraged mum--
and his fat ass she beat. 

Shirl gave her all
to this fat greasy ball
and bounced him down the hall
in a screaming attack 

Leaving him sobby,
this fat, stupid Bobbie--
who returned to his hobby
of trolling alt.slack.

Rev Susie the Floozie

Have one Del Taco reads the card of a 'man'
A website pirate in a desert land
Creator of Strawbaby with his own right hand
Of mammoth proportions is the blob called Martian 

Martian, Martian, where do you roam?
Nothing can lure him from his basement home 

Martian, Martian, why do you post?
As if to determine who detests him the most 

Martian, Martian, are you plagued with staph?
No one will publish his epitaph

Rasta Billy Bob

I hardly knew that when I came to call,
of the desperation and impending fall,
of a troll so great that armies would rise,
to put an end to its warbling cries.

apparently boated from overconsumption,
assumed all he hated had similar compunction,
eating his own weight in fast-food and waste,
waiting and hour and repeating in haste. 

barely a beast as he dwelled in his pit,
transcribing the secrets revealed in his shit,
soothsayer of nothing his insults were many,
an infinite resource pulled from his ample fanny. 

but ill in cognition he knew not what he did,
down a dark spiral he immediately slid,
"you all is fat bitches," inanely he cried,
all on alt.slack they read and they sighed. 

what purpose, it's pointless, whatever he said,
retorts when they were made went over his head,
and here I arrive in this battle of trolls
wack-a-mole played when they leap from their holes. 

so what should i say? should i too attack?
what is the point? would it give me slack?
I figured i could but then it was said,
Stang though my posts tasted like chicken hed.

Lumped in with the trolls but still told I'm Fat,
but I'm not the type who devoured my Cat,
and claimed it was a taco of delicious design,
with double the seasoning as it left his behind. 

so reluctantly i post in response to this query,
making fun of others though i'm chubby and hairy,
worried that though i may seem like a dick,
that when i'm in drag i'm proud to be a fat chick.

so out with you Doc and all of your kind,
you all are much fatter cause the fat's in your mind.
so as you look for your cock in your fatty roll
you should worry more about your bowel control. 

moral: just because your heads full of shit, it doesn’t mean you have to shower everyone in verbal diarrhea

Rev. Panik EVlynn Bedlam

Born to be vile.

Get's his motor runnin'
Drives up to Del Taco
To stop his stomach grummblin'
There is no other way. 

Rides up to the take-out counter
gives his burrito a love embrace
spills the sauce all over himself
and doesn't even say grace. 

Like a true fat fuck
He's as wide, wide as a truck
Gonna eat so fast
and then pass some gas. 

Born to be vile!

Dr. Lobotomy

You are too fat to call anyone fat
You've eaten too many burritos
If you had a wide mirror I'm sure you'd see that
There's no place you can go incognito

You've gone way beyond what a person'd call pudgy
The children point at you and marvel
When folks call you a whale you think, "mmmmm Fudgie"
And ride your Rascal scooter to Carvel 

Toilets have clogged everywhere you have shat
Your droppings are greasy and thick
and you wipe your huge ass on a soiled welcome mat
wash your balls with a rag on a stick 

It's a wonder how one man could get so damn big
How did you become so humongous?
Was your mother a heifer, your father a pig?
Do those moist shady spots harbor fungus? 

You can buy a ridiculous hat if you want
But I think it polite I should mention
The sweat from you smells like rhinoceros cunt
and that hat won't divert our attention. 

I cannot imagine the curious stance
Or the complexity of apparatus
That it takes for you just to get into your pants
And how they can survive all the flatus. 

You are too fat to call anyone fat
I can't stress this point any more
Surely Del Taco will close the day that
You can no longer squeeze out your door.


Long ago, in the far off land
Of Indio, California
There once lived a greasy and corpulent man,
Whose novel would certainly bore ya 

He lived with his mother, Shirley was her name,
His neck was all bloated and hairy,
His gut was atrocious, his butt was the same
And the little girls all called him scary 

He’d see his reflection in mirrors and sinks,
All over his Indio palace,
And the look of disgust on his mom made him think
Thoughts of horror and violence and malice 

But he was too lazy for real life crime,
With the running and bullets a’whizzin’,
And the cops and the fights and the serving of time,
And the absence of tacos in prison. 

So he did what any sane person would do,
‘Stead of putting himself into danger
He got on the internet, cooked up a few
Lame attacks on a big group of strangers 

He picked out some ladies and called ‘em all fat
He picked out some fellers for teasin’
Then he asked ‘em for friendship and thought that was that,
But they mocked him without any reason. 

So the logical next step for logical Kevin,
Was to jump off his poor mama’s roof
And he’s eating pot pies up in fat person Heaven,
And nobody missed the old doof. 

The end.


The Charge of the Unintentionally-Ironic Brigade 

Half a clue, half a clue,
  Half a clue onward
Into the valley of fail
  Doc Martian blundered 

'Forward the Heavy Brigade!'
Doc Martian cried
'Let's take on these fatties!'
Was there a man who saw the irony?
Though all about could see who was heavy
Doc Martian would not make reply
His was not to see the lie
That his own ass was as wide as the sky
Into the valley of fail
  Doc Martian blundered 

Pisces to the left of him,
BIOU to the right of him,
Susie to the front of him
Cluelessly his head did swell
Oblivious the obvious fell
Into the jaws of Fail
Clueless as a whale
  Doc Martian blundered 

Cried he at them "YOU ARE ALL FAT!"
As he on his trusty war-pig sat
Straining under his own gigantic girth
Charging SubGeniuses while
  all the world wonder'd:
Up to his neck in irony
Everybody but him could see,
Into the valley of fail
  Doc Martian blundered