Doc Martian Poetry Slam


The Secretive Jew

He claims he likes bacon,
But we know he's fakin'
'Cause pork he will always eschew

You don't get like a blimp
Eating lobster and shrimp,
So they call him the Secretive Jew

The delicatessen
Knows he isn't messin'
When he orders his burger "no cheese"

And the shiksas say "oy!"
For this big beefy boy
But he shuns their advances and pleas.

'Cause the girl of his dreams
Is a woman of means
Who will keep him in taco replacements

It's his dear mother shirley,
His Gefilte Girly
Who vacuums and freshens his basement

The SubGenius goyim
Will always annoy him
When out of their threads he is frozen

But he isn't frettin'
Because he is bettin'
That HIS people really are chosen.

He's built like a mountain,
Was born for accountin'
But all that he wanted to do

Was beg for attacks
From the threads on alt.slack
And they called him the Secretive Jew

He looks sharp in a yarmulke,
Parties on Hannukah,
Smashes a glass with his shoe,

Eats unleavened bread,
And on usenet is dead,
And we call him the Secretive Jew.

He splits up the check
and he hunches his neck,
But he'll leave all the tipping to you

And he sneers with distaste
At your forbissina face,
Watch out for that Secretive Jew!


They say that the Hopi
Got corn-fed and dopey
And I say, now that they're gone

Let's roll up our sleevas
And dig up their kivas
Where they worshipped the moon and the sun

'Cos everyone knows that
A diet of chickenfat,
Bacon and tortillas too

Is vastly superior
And wide, greasy derriers
Are the love call of the Secretive Jew

No, we can't stop the rhymin'
In quadruple timin'
While slobbering all over our shoes

They're coming from near and far
And now, IMBJR
Is throwing us net hints and clues

What next? Can you dig it?
Take this topic, don't pig it
Here's something that's sure to confuse

The myopic wunderkind
Sharpens his thunderpen
And shoots down the Secretive Jew


He's fat with a beanie
and circumcised weenie
he strokes it and drinks diet soda

while stuffing his face
with corned beef by the case
whining in syntax like Yoda

a blessing he mutters
for lost change in the gutter
he stoops his huge carcass to pick it up

Manischevitz he drools
in his cleavage it pools
He hefts his man titty to lick it up

he's brave in alt slack
where he's safe from attack
he attacks Jews while safe here from harm

Turns out that his daddy
some long-dead old fatty
had numbers tattooed on his arm

But he'd never tell it
He'd try to dispel it
he'd claim it a vindictive ruse

A victim of happenstance
the fat man with crap in pants
The pitiful secretive Jew


He knows that a shower
Would diminish his power
And fade his gay costume of blue

His fantasy lover
Who calls to come over
Rang his number, the Secretive Jew

They say California
Has internet porn; ya
Can never be sure if it's true

But one thing's for certain
There's none disconcerting
As Indio's Secretive Jew

His hatred for Israel
Makes him so miserable
Nobody cares what he do

But I'd love to be shed of him,
Whack upside the head of him,
That lyin' Secretive Jew.


His fingers are greasy,
His thoughts always sleazy,
He likes to refer to you as "Y00"

He is green, he is mean,
He is mighty unclean,
And they call him The Secretive Jew.

Anna Dynamite

Though Tater's too busy
Restraint made him dizzy
So he had to pop one out too

Just put on a rubber
And whomp on the blubber
And hope you don't get none on you.

Though this might seem harsh
if you don't know Doc Marsh
'n good karma you hope to accrue

Please, take Tater's word,
that the subject's a turd
and just follow the lead of BIOU

It just takes a minute
and there's such joy in it
it's simpler by far than haiku

You make up a rhyme,
and in almost no time
comes the last line, the Secretive Jew

Tater Gumfries

When he was a kid
like every young Yid
The Rabbi performed Martian's bris

He sliced through the cheese
and he sliced through disease
and left barely enough there to piss

When he came of age
this sad coprophage
Was given his sacred Bar Mitzvah

No one came to see him
Cuz it sucks to be him
His pants are all saggy with shitzah

He's creepy and weird
he has a neck beard
and his face is all pitted and poxy

His hair dangles curls
He don't know any girls
He's ashamed of his own orthodoxy

But we're onto his game
and his silly fake name
we know he's a Berg or a Stein

But despite his Hebraity
We'll laugh at his gaiety
and at his enormous behind

I offer this boon
to this sheeny buffoon
A gift to Doc Martian for Hannukah

Your face will be one day
Prominently displayed
In the Encyclopedia Moronica