Legume Slam

I'm the greatest motherfucker you will EVER see
You better all bow down in front of me
I'm tall and handsome and fine and grand
and the mountains tremble when I walk the land
Can you dig me, baby?

My shoulders are broad and I'm ten feet tall
The future of the Earth is in the juice of my balls
got a face like an angel and a really hot bod
One look at me and you KNOW I'm a god
Can you dig me baby?

I'm smarter than Hawking and I aint no fool
I invented everything that ever was cool
I'm bigger than the Beatles and I'm bigger than Christ
And when the bitches see my cock they say "ooooh, dat's nice!'
Can you dig me baby?

I'm a secret agent man and a mystery
I'm descended from the heroes that made history
My grandpa was Doc Savage, the Man of Bronze
My Daddy was Galactus and my Mama was the Fonz
Can you dig me, baby?

I'm saluted by captains and crowned by kings
I'm the only reason that the songbird sings
and you that it's at me that the teapot whistles
My iron fists strike like nuclear missiles
Can you dig me baby?

You're all a bunch of suckers and you're lame and old
I'm the King of All Usenet, bitch, I'm SOLID GOLD
There aint a brain in this group that compares to mine
When I show up you recede like my fucking hairline
Can you dig me, baby?

I'm awesome with my awesomeness and spreading the news
None of you motherfuckers can fit in my shoes
I'm speaking my piece while you all sit shakin'
And I'll chew you all up like you're monkey bacon
Baby can you dig me?

Line up, kiss my ass, but first put on lip gloss
I'm the Bad Oogie Boogie I'm the REAL Big Boss.
I'm a Junkyard dog and you're just little pups
You better take my advice and Back It On Up
Can you dig me, baby?

BIOU responds

Long ago, when the earth was new, a fish crawled out of the brine
It propped up its face on its nubby arms, and gazed at the maker in Heaven
A primitive bird soared overhead, and sang to the dawn of time,
And on that day in history, Dr. Legume turned seven
I can dig you, baby.

Long ago, in Ancient Greece, philosophers stood on the pavement
They squirmed in their robes in the beating sun, and lectured the proles and rubes,
They encouraged enlightenment to the masses, rejecting their mental enslavement
And on that day in history, Legume found his first grey pubes
I can dig you, baby.

Long ago, in a sailing ship, Columbus, eastern bound,
For silks and spices and gold, into the great unknown charged on.
And after a long and treacherous journey, stepped onto solid ground,
Where Legume waved a gnarly fist and said, "get off of my goddamned lawn".
I can dig you, baby.

Long ago, in the Civil War, the north battled on with the south,
Bodies festered fallen on fields of death, their muskets decayed with rust
The great leader Lincoln spoke solemnly, wisdom poured out of his mouth,
While Dr. Legume lifted one ass cheek, and farted a cloud of dust.
I can dig you, baby.

Now, Legume weren't havin none of it, so he says

You mouthin' that shit shows you got no class
Shouldn't you be on the street tryin' to sell that ass?
Or mopping up the floor or having some babies?
Or did that wiener dog give your vagina rabies?
You better shut your bitch ass up.

It's hard to imagine that you'd even dare it
If a zombie tried to eat you your face would scare it
You would wrestle with a wino for a crust of bread
and you'd knock him unconscious with your big fat head
You better shut your bitch ass up

Even if I live to a million billion years old
You'll be an old hunk of tin while I'll ALWAYS be gold
And you know when I fart out a big cloud of dust
You'll be rotting in a trash heap covered in rust
You better shut your bitch ass up

Cuz I'm the big Slap Daddy and that aint no bull
and I'll take a hot shit in your freaky big skull
Cuz you're just a lame bitch with a case of diabetes
And you'll be even lamer when they saw off your feeties
You better shut your bitch ass up

You're a bitch-ass Guinea and I'm Doctor Legume
and I got more cock than you could ever consume
I'm the Usenet God and the king of alt.slack
If you're messing with me you must be smoking bad crack
You better shut your bitch ass up

I'm not saying this shit just to be malicious
but you better find a genie who will give you three wishes
Cuz you're gonna need magic if you think you're gonna beat me
I'm the Big Cheese and you can just EAT ME.
You better shut your bitch ass up

Well, sir, Stang weren't gonna just sit on his ass, so he chimes in

The Tale of Good King Stang and Chris Lee
by Rev. Ivan Stang

I shall tell you the story of the Good King Stang
Whose queen was renknowned as the FINEST poontang.

Acrost all the land, for 10 THOUSAND miles around,
None matched the beauty of the babe with the crown.

Among those who admired the bounteous Princess Wei
Was one low life bastard they called Chris Lee.

Chris Lee thought to diddle the thang
That he knew good and well belonged to King Stang.

Now we've seen fuckheads, assholes, shitheads and turds
Geeks, glorps ninnies and nerds.

But the sorriest morphodite you ever did see
Was that Jive Ass Beatnik they called Rev. Chriss Lee.

Chris Lee saw his chance at the X-Day Drills
While the King's brain was muddled on potions and Pils.

Now, MOST faithful Bobbies, Stang was loathe to disparage
But That skunk married Wei in the Short Duration Marriage.

This brash move so raised King Stang's ire
The he resolved to have Lee punished by torture and fire.

First he'd have Lee tied to a Siguaro Cactus stake
Then in a GIANT MICROWAVE OVEN Chris Lee's ass he would bake.

In Lee's rump, Stang would roast a corn on the cob.
He'd serve some to NHGH... but he'd butter some for "Bob."

But even at the trial, Chris Lee showed such sass
That he coarsely winked at Wei as if to make a vulgar pass.

Seeing this made Stang so furiously mad,
It almost blew out the One Royal Nad.

And all the kingdom heard Stang yell,
"That Chris Lee will PAY or SHUT UP LIKE HELL.

Until a polite apology I do hear him utter.

So untie his feet and untie his hand.
'Cause I'm gonna whip this motherfucker MAN to MAN."

They fought like devils and not like men.
They gouged and they kicked and they bit, but then

Something dreadful happened before the battle was done,
that left all the kingdom and even King Stang stunned.

For, while they'd fought each other, into the setting sun,
That fine Princess Wei, OFF with DOCTOR PHILO DRUMMOND, had RUN.

Legume fumed for a minute, and shot back

But old Philo Drummond, his bladder was weak
And Legume stole his Princess while he took a leak
Legume knew what to do, he got down on his knees
and ate up her pussy like rat eating cheese

She kicked and she thrashed like a beheaded chicken
she moaned and she groaned and got stoned from the lickin'
While you lame motherfuckers sat pulling yer puds
Legume turned her over and stirred up the mud

The Princess she smiled as he greased her with Vaseline
And she got as hot as a match thrown in gasoline
And the Princess said "FUCK all those SubGenius rat-pooters"
"Dr.Legume holds the keys to the cooter"

And as they left on the saucers they laughed at the rest of you
Dr.Legume was ALWAYS the best of you
He aimed his Death Ray at Earth and said, "Die, you weiners"
And the last sound you heard was "Neener neener neener!"

BIOU just can't leave well enough alone, so she goes off on ol Legume

Gather 'round children, and hear my tale,
The tale of a hideous beastie
They say he'd an ass half as big as a whale
And a maw that was flagrantly yeasty

They say that his legs are as thick as trees
But he barely can manage to bend them
And the hair on his back is infested with fleas
Who drop dead 'cause his B.O. offends them

And his head!  Listen children; his head is BALD!
There was scarcely a follicle growing
But somehow he still has such dandruff, God,
When he nods, you would think it was snowing.

His armpits and feet have such horrible scents,
His ass has the reek of a tomb
His teeth like a rotted and weathered fence,
And the legends all call him "Legume"

He's stupid and rude, and vapid and crude,
Engages in violence and thuggery
And when ever he gets in an amorous mood,
He is guilty of animal buggery

They say even the worst of humanity's dross
Have something to temper their flaws
But this beast alleges to be the Big Boss
When he ought to be shutting his jaws

Whooee! This feud is a heatin up! Legume's locked and loaded

I'm a man above men and a king above kings
and you know I'm a righteous Lord
Yet you come to alt slack and say terrible things
writing checks that your ass can't afford

For I am the mighty, I am the One
If I offer shit you must eat it
You're fighting a war that can never be won
My title is e'er undefeated

You can take your cheap shots and make fun of my hair
You can try to insult me and vex me
But I know that you just want to come to my lair
Jump up on my wiener and sex me

I see from your writings that you are a hack
But you know I can never be bested
You should stick to Doc Martian cuz he can't fight back
Go and rhyme 'bout the kids he's molested.

Just give it up, you know you won't win
I can go on with this shit for months
And you're much better at making Martian's head spin
about pies and his fantasy cunts.

Just admit that I'm better, and leave it at that
and go back to Doc Martian degrading
Go insult his mother, make fun of his fat
and his chronic masturbating.

Make fun of his fingers stained orange from cheese
Mafe fun of his impotent rants
Make fun of the shit stains on his BVDs
and the elastic band in his pants

You've bitten off more than you know you can chew here
You know that my rhymes are superior
There are plenty of small fish that you can subdue here
Put your foot to some Bobbie's posterior

I'll admit that you put up a pretty good battle
your rhymes are the top of the heap
So let's put our guns down and go tease the cattle
Cuz alt slack has no shortage of creeps.

But BIOU's on a roll. It's a full fledged SLAM!

Shhh, stinky guy.

Hey, man.  What's that smell?
Is it a limburger cheese from hell?
Is it a rotting, forgotten fish?
Is it some crud on a petri dish?
Is it a broccoli fart from space?
Did it get scraped off a porn star's face?
Is it a bottle of condensed skunk?
What in the fuck is that lingering funk?

It's the perfume
of K'taden Legume

Seriously, what IS that reek?
Is it the stuff from a vulture's beak?
A baloney sandwich encrusted with mold?
The crotch of librarian, 90 years old?
Is it the underwear of a dead wino?
Or maybe the afterbirth of a rhino?
The ass of a whore at the end of her shift?
What is the source of that horrible whif?

It's the perfume
of K'taden Legume

Legume don't stay down long!

What in the fuck is that gigantic blob?
It's bigger than all Arizona!
From the stink that flows out of it's huge gaping gob
I deduce it's the head of Ramona!

Her head is that big! Oh my, what a laugh!
I'm afraid that an airplane might hit it!
And if you could ever saw Saturn in half
you could not make a hat that would fit it!

She could never fit into a bathroom stall!
That is one serious pumpkin!
Her ears surely scrap on the shithouse walls
When she's giving Doc Martian a blumpkin!

I must say that I find myself drawn to her!
and say it I do without bull
I assure you I'm not coming on to her
it's just gravitational pull!