Kern's Holler Poem Bunker
I'm the greatest motherfucker you will EVER see
You better all bow down in front of me
I'm tall and handsome and fine and grand
and the mountains tremble when I walk the land
Can you dig me, baby?

My shoulders are broad and I'm ten feet tall
The future of the Earth is in the juice of my balls
got a face like an angel and a really hot bod
One look at me and you KNOW I'm a god
Can you dig me baby? 

I'm smarter than Hawking and I aint no fool
I invented everything that ever was cool
I'm bigger than the Beatles and I'm bigger than Christ
And when the bitches see my cock they say "ooooh, dat's nice!'
Can you dig me baby? 

I'm a secret agent man and a mystery
I'm descended from the heroes that made history
My grandpa was Doc Savage, the Man of Bronze
My Daddy was Galactus and my Mama was the Fonz
Can you dig me, baby? 

I'm saluted by captains and crowned by kings
I'm the only reason that the songbird sings
and you that it's at me that the teapot whistles
My iron fists strike like nuclear missiles
Can you dig me baby? 

You're all a bunch of suckers and you're lame and old
I'm the King of All Usenet, bitch, I'm SOLID GOLD
There aint a brain in this group that compares to mine
When I show up you recede like my fucking hairline
Can you dig me, baby? 

I'm awesome with my awesomeness and spreading the news
None of you motherfuckers can fit in my shoes
I'm speaking my piece while you all sit shakin'
And I'll chew you all up like you're monkey bacon
Baby can you dig me? 

Line up, kiss my ass, but first put on lip gloss
I'm the Bad Oogie Boogie I'm the REAL Big Boss.
I'm a Junkyard dog and you're just little pups
You better take my advice and Back It On Up
Can you dig me, baby?

BIOU responds

Long ago, when the earth was new, a fish crawled out of the brine
It propped up its face on its nubby arms, and gazed at the maker in Heaven
A primitive bird soared overhead, and sang to the dawn of time,
And on that day in history, Dr. Legume turned seven
I can dig you, baby. 

Long ago, in Ancient Greece, philosophers stood on the pavement
They squirmed in their robes in the beating sun, and lectured the proles and rubes,

They encouraged enlightenment to the masses, rejecting their mental enslavement
And on that day in history, Legume found his first grey pubes
I can dig you, baby.

Long ago, in a sailing ship, Columbus, eastern bound,
For silks and spices and gold, into the great unknown charged on.
And after a long and treacherous journey, stepped onto solid ground,
Where Legume waved a gnarly fist and said, "get off of my goddamned lawn".
I can dig you, baby. 

Long ago, in the Civil War, the north battled on with the south,
Bodies festered fallen on fields of death, their muskets decayed with rust
The great leader Lincoln spoke solemnly, wisdom poured out of his mouth,
While Dr. Legume lifted one ass cheek, and farted a cloud of dust.
I can dig you, baby.

I flew out to Portland cuz "Bob" was in town

my hair was combed nice and my shoes were dark brown
I had my "Bob" t-shirt just bulging with fat
and all chicks get hot for ridiculous hats

I walk kinda funny cuz I wear orthotics
Like a handful of fucked-up ugly old white psychotics

I went to the bar and met Ivan Stang
there with a gap in his dentures and lice in his hair
He took all my money and my orthotic shoes
And I was as broke as if raped by the Jews

My butt's bleeding still but it's just episodic
From a handful of fucked-up ugly old white psychotics

There were preachers and pilgrims and retards and queers
And a dumbass who yelled and drank too many beers
There were fat girls and flat girls and girls with bad breath
And a pansexual goth who smelled like refried death

To one man they're beasts, to another, exotic
Or a handful of fucked-up ugly old white psychotics

Stang stormed the pulpit, his preaching like thunder
and the veils of deception were torn all asunder
I shook and I shivered, I gawked and I stared
and I wished that I had Ivan's fabulous hair

And Bob Dean's in the men's room doing something erotic
To a handful of fucked-up ugly old white psychotics

Now the preaching is over, everybody has gone
Money deposited, money withdrawn
The frop for "Bob's" pipe had been paid for and bought
The sheep have been shorn and the lesson's been taught

"BOB" someday will arm me with deadly robotics
We'll be fucked-up ugly cyborg old white psychotics

And when that day comes, beware ye O Pinks
the fires will burn and the bodies will stink
Your mother and father, your spouse and your kids
will all fill the belly of my giant squids

Our cancer beams will turn your body necrotic
You'll be raped by fucked-up ugly old white psychotics

You'll be raped by fucked-up ugly old white psychotics
Raped and raped by fucked-up ugly old white psychotics
raped forever by fucked-up ugly old white psychotics

Lupus, Lupus, Lupus, Lupus
All your dreams have turned to poopus
Stang has shown you to the door
You are Pink forevermore.

Ne'er again his wart you'll sloppy
Been replaced by some new bobbie
Now you just make sucky sounds
No wart to wrap your lips around.

Like a lamb you come here bleating
and apparently it bears repeating
You're up shit creek in an Indian boat
Without an oar with which to row it.

Give it up, you small sad man
Walk away while you still can
Your love for wart was misdirected
And now, Pinkboy, you stand corrected.

Trolling Ma Bell

some people say I'm nasty
some people say I'm crude
some people say I cuss too much
and that I'm fuckin' rude
Bitch I gotta tell you
You're in this way too deep
For all I know your not a gal
just some transsexual creep
You'll get no special treatment
I ain't cutting you no slack
Your words don't impress me
And neither does your crack
Your trolls are lame
you come across
a screeching harpy bitch
Lashing out at men who
wouldn't catch the clam you pitch
I don't know why you fear and hate
Did daddy fuck you when you were eight?
Fucked up as you are
you must have a sad tale
did you OD on pills
or get fist raped in jail?
whatever the case
I could really care less
You know that you loved it
You're a motherfucking mess
I don't apologize to you
I'm trolling you for laughs
and I cordially invite you
to suck my sweaty metal ass.
I know what hides behind your hate
the hunger that you long to sate
To have me bugger you long and hard
To let you know you are a tard
To ride you like some brutish jockey
To invite my friends in for bukkake
You can dream and dream and dream
about things you'll never do
Because here's a list of all the things I'd rather fuck than you
I'd rather fuck a crack whore
Who'd suck me for a rock
I'd rather fuck a dead fish
that's laid out on the dock
I'd rather fuck a rubber ass
on world wide pay-per-view
I'd rather fuck a chainsaw
with a blade as dull as you
I'd rather fuck a badger
with rabies on his fangs
You're way down at the bottom
of the things which I would bang.

Trolling J'lahn

A Lovely Poem Addressing J'lahn's Unrequited Love for Me

It was Fredon, New Jersey, Two-thousand and one
I was just passing through, looking for some motherfucking fun
My long bedroom dick was was like a rhino in rut
And I knew motherfucking well I had to bust a fucking nut.

All the women in town were halfwits and gimps
So I went downtown and found some motherfucking pimps.
Pimps said, "I got some bitches that'll do the trick
they'll work a bend in yo' muthafuckin' dick"

They lined them all up and I laid them all down
and I fucked a highway of pussy that ran all over town
I ripped pussy and ass and my big humpin' hose
was STILL sticking straight out like a fuckin' Sicilian's nose.

I said, "You pimp motherfuckers, your bitches aint worth shit.
Those lame ass pussies up the back done split.
Their asses all stretched and I broke their jaws
With the heavy meat pounding from my motherfucking balls."

I fucked all the whores, and their mamas and their grannys
Chewed the funky-ass cotton right out their motherfuckin' panties.
I filled the air with pussy-funk and long low moans
But not one of them bitches could soften my bone.

I fucked all their daughters and I fucked all their nieces
Then I lubed their daddies' assholes with a wide assortment of
I fucked all their uncles and I fucked all their sons
Then I stopped at a convent and I fucked all the nuns

I fucked all the dogs and I fucked all the cats
I fucked all the birds and the snakes and the rats.
I fucked all the buildings and I fucked all the trees
I fucked all the cars and the SUVs

I fucked all the colors and I fucked all the sounds
I got down on my belly and I fucked the fuckin' ground
I fucked all the water and I fucked the whole sky
I flew up to heaven and I fucked God in his motherfucking eye

And STILL my dick stood long and hard
It jutted out a fucking yard
And with all the fucking that I done
I never EVER fucking cum.

I fucked almost everything
From here to Hell and gone
But no matter how you plead and beg

Challenging Papa Joe and Stang to an Indyvival Poetry slam that
never happened:

Papa Joe Mama took on Ivan Stang
Took him in his ass-hole and rode that thang
He rode it rough, his dick was strong
He rode it right and he rode it wrong.
He rode it all summer, and in the winter snow
He rode that thang til his ass can't take no mo.
And when he thought his ass-hole  couldn't take another inch
He buckled down and took it down deeper in the ginch.
His ass-hole was stretched out like a old bitch's tit
Who'd go to Indianapolis just to see that shit?
So now it's ME motherfucker, that you're ALL gonna see
Cuz Indianapolis is where I'm gonna BE.
I'm gonna need a place with a pipe and a bed
And a couple little Indy bitches to give me some head
And on devival night we'll be at Radio Radio
And I'm throwing down the gauntlet, Stang, because I ain't afraidio.
We're gonna CUT HEADS at this bad mammyjam
"The First Ever SubGenius Filthy Poetry Slam"