Kern's Holler Poem Bunker
Tartarus Sanctus
Grampa's Knife
Grampa's knife is long and sharp
Grampa's knife is hidden
Grampa sharpens in the dark
And it will do his biddin'
Gramma said we musn't look
Or search for it when Grampa's gone
For though its hidden in the desk
It won't be there for long
Grampa's knife is long and sharp
Grampa's knife is hidden
Grampa sharpens in the dark
And it will do his biddin'
Late in Autumn, someone tried
To come inside and steal
But Grampa's slit him up the side
And made from him a meal
Grampa's knife is long and sharp
Grampa's knife is hidden
Grampa sharpens in the dark
And it will do his biddin'
When the gummint agents came
To take him in for taxes
Grampa pulled his shiny steel
And rammed it up their asses
Grampa's knife is long and sharp
Grampa's knife is hidden
Grampa sharpens in the dark
And it will do his biddin'
His knife will cut a biscuit
and spread that butter thin
But when he eats tomato stew
don't stand too close to him
For Slack
Oh, the Slackful soul is a marshmallowey soul
As fluffy as the day is long
It floats in the air
And gets tangled in the hair
Like a bat in a gold sarong
But the Christian soul is as dark as the night
And as heavy as a dumpling in the quay
It drags on the ground
Like the ballsack of a hound
And its mustache is in disarray
Chorus:
Tartarus Sanctus, Tartarus Sanctus
Oh the weaves are calling you
Hot as the Nair
That defestered all your hair
And poetic as a concrete stew
Reprise:
Oh, the hoary old souls of the men of Chanterel
Dance a jig on the graves of the pink
But the Limeys in the well
By the surly gates of Hell
Make a scrimshaw while they pour another drink
Reverie
And in the evening, after mass
When by our door the nunnes did pass
All starched and solemn, flavored by
The sweet and smoky censer
We'd slip the buttons from our cods
Communicate by winks and nods
And from the shadows burst together
Wagging, waving, misbehaving
Showing off the randy leather
If nothing else you do in life,
If ye canna' take a wife
Or kill for King and Country fair,
When nunnes go by, ye should not tarry
Unfasten now your Good Prince Harry
And bring him out, by Dobbs, to breathe
The good refreshing evening air
The Slack of Slack
Just order goose pate and brandy, stiff the waiter, he'll be fine!
And you'll be grinning Zen-like when the saucers take the ruptured
to the skies
My shame is like a red, red nose
0h my shame is like a red, red nose,
that's running full in June.
0h my shame is like a melody,
that's grossly out of tune.
As bare thou art, my Subgeni ass,
so deeply shamed am I,
And I will vomit out regrets,
till all the heaves go dry.
Till all the heaves go dry, me lads,
and the saucer lasses come!
And I will be regretting still,
when the teeth fall out my gums.
But sure as "Bob" is right as rain
And bacon goes with toast
My shame will keep me from alt.slack
Perhaps a day, at most
Joe Cosby's Turning Black
Cosby turning black
And there ain't no turnin back
Cause I said it in a way that everybody heard me say
He's turning black, I say
B B B black black black black black
When he steppin over the line
he like an elephant, uh huh, he like an elephant
he steppin on it hard, bomp,
he steppin on it like it was a snake
S S S snake snake snake snake snake
Shit! The motherfuckers started turning black I say
B B B black black black black black
You got it
black black black black black
He's turning black I say
In a most inelegant way
he turning black from the bottom to the top
he got the wimmin goin POP! Hunh!
They goin POP .. POP
And they starting from the top
Working down to the bottom
Doncha know that Cosby's gottem
Goin DOWN .. DOWN
till they fallin to the ground
he turning
BLACK BLACK BLACK BLACK BLACK
He turnin creamy white to chocolate
he hittin on the frop a bit
he don't remember jack
and there ain't no turnin back
Cause Joe Cosby turning BLACK
B B B black I say, owwww!
S S S snake snake snake snake snake
B B B black I say, owwww!
You gonna see, you gonna see
He turning BLACK
B B B black I say, Wowwww! (d dada dada dada dah!)
HE TURNING BLACK
On becoming ordained in the CoSG
and and ever so much more!
You can't beat Ordination Kit
OSG-244!
Grampa's knife is long and sharp
Grampa's knife is hidden
Grampa sharpens in the dark
And it will do his biddin'
Gramma said we musn't look
Or search for it when Grampa's gone
For though its hidden in the desk
It won't be there for long
Grampa's knife is long and sharp
Grampa's knife is hidden
Grampa sharpens in the dark
And it will do his biddin'
Late in Autumn, someone tried
To come inside and steal
But Grampa's slit him up the side
And made from him a meal
Grampa's knife is long and sharp
Grampa's knife is hidden
Grampa sharpens in the dark
And it will do his biddin'
When the gummint agents came
To take him in for taxes
Grampa pulled his shiny steel
And rammed it up their asses
Grampa's knife is long and sharp
Grampa's knife is hidden
Grampa sharpens in the dark
And it will do his biddin'
His knife will cut a biscuit
and spread that butter thin
But when he eats tomato stew
don't stand too close to him
For Slack
Oh, the Slackful soul is a marshmallowey soul
As fluffy as the day is long
It floats in the air
And gets tangled in the hair
Like a bat in a gold sarong
But the Christian soul is as dark as the night
And as heavy as a dumpling in the quay
It drags on the ground
Like the ballsack of a hound
And its mustache is in disarray
Chorus:
Tartarus Sanctus, Tartarus Sanctus
Oh the weaves are calling you
Hot as the Nair
That defestered all your hair
And poetic as a concrete stew
Reprise:
Oh, the hoary old souls of the men of Chanterel
Dance a jig on the graves of the pink
But the Limeys in the well
By the surly gates of Hell
Make a scrimshaw while they pour another drink
Reverie
And in the evening, after mass
When by our door the nunnes did pass
All starched and solemn, flavored by
The sweet and smoky censer
We'd slip the buttons from our cods
Communicate by winks and nods
And from the shadows burst together
Wagging, waving, misbehaving
Showing off the randy leather
If nothing else you do in life,
If ye canna' take a wife
Or kill for King and Country fair,
When nunnes go by, ye should not tarry
Unfasten now your Good Prince Harry
And bring him out, by Dobbs, to breathe
The good refreshing evening air
The Slack of Slack
The Subgenius must have slack, or so the wizened elders say.
But isn't sex with twins enough?
All greased and fropped, so wild and rough!
Pray, is not this sufficient when the time has come to fly away?
You must have paid your thirty bucks, they say, or else you'll rot!
But as I eat Chateaubriand
And drink a rare old Sauvignon
I wonder, what is slack if not contentment with my lot?
For while obedient Bobbies in their earnest quest for slack
May still prefer cheap beer and corn-dogs to risotto and fine wine
That's not what living life's about: you pull the wool too tightly
o'er your eyes
Just order goose pate and brandy, stiff the waiter, he'll be fine!
And you'll be grinning Zen-like when the saucers take the ruptured
to the skies
My shame is like a red, red nose
0h my shame is like a red, red nose,
that's running full in June.
0h my shame is like a melody,
that's grossly out of tune.
As bare thou art, my Subgeni ass,
so deeply shamed am I,
And I will vomit out regrets,
till all the heaves go dry.
Till all the heaves go dry, me lads,
and the saucer lasses come!
And I will be regretting still,
when the teeth fall out my gums.
But sure as "Bob" is right as rain
And bacon goes with toast
My shame will keep me from alt.slack
Perhaps a day, at most
Joe Cosby's Turning Black
Cosby turning black
And there ain't no turnin back
Cause I said it in a way that everybody heard me say
He's turning black, I say
B B B black black black black black
When he steppin over the line
he like an elephant, uh huh, he like an elephant
he steppin on it hard, bomp,
he steppin on it like it was a snake
S S S snake snake snake snake snake
Shit! The motherfuckers started turning black I say
B B B black black black black black
You got it
black black black black black
He's turning black I say
In a most inelegant way
he turning black from the bottom to the top
he got the wimmin goin POP! Hunh!
They goin POP .. POP
And they starting from the top
Working down to the bottom
Doncha know that Cosby's gottem
Goin DOWN .. DOWN
till they fallin to the ground
he turning
BLACK BLACK BLACK BLACK BLACK
He turnin creamy white to chocolate
he hittin on the frop a bit
he don't remember jack
and there ain't no turnin back
Cause Joe Cosby turning BLACK
B B B black I say, owwww!
S S S snake snake snake snake snake
B B B black I say, owwww!
You gonna see, you gonna see
He turning BLACK
B B B black I say, Wowwww! (d dada dada dada dah!)
HE TURNING BLACK
On becoming ordained in the CoSG
Paid my $30 gladly.
Got an ordination kit,
And though the box was mangled badly,
it had mysterious stuff in it!
A glow in the dark rosary,
a little plastic vial,
a lock of nenslo's pubic hair,
It's never out of style!
A coupon good for 2 bucks off
on any Jerry's sub,
a pack of oyster crackers,
and some bear grease in a tub!
and and ever so much more!
You can't beat Ordination Kit
OSG-244!