Steve Gutenberg Poetry Slam

Guttenberg rises, Guttenberg falls,
Wakes in the morning, scratches balls,
Looks back on his glory days, long ago,
Three men and a baby, No soap radio,
Guttenberg rises, Guttenberg falls

Darkness settles on Guttenberg's soul,
Sticks his head in the toilet bowl,
Gives himself a swirly in the clean, white can
These days Guttenberg feels like half a man
Darkness settles on Guttenberg's soul.

Evening falls, the moon comes up,
There is a hair 'cross Guttenberg's butt
He looks back on where he's been,
Never more on the movie screen,
Guttenberg rises, Guttenberg falls



There is a place where the spotlight ends
And before the real world begins,
And there the sky grows black
And there the actor is a hack,
And there the dream of a comeback
Shrivels like a dried foreskin.

Children, avoid this place where the robots dance
And the police trainees are all friends
Where the diners and the cocoons
Hitler's clones and TV lampoons
Years of playing such buffoons
Converge at the place where the spotlight ends.

Yes, avoid this place I do not espouse
It is like a trap set up for a mouse
For it is Steve Guttenberg's house.
The place where the spotlight ends.

Anna Dynamite


He'll fuck you up, Steve Guttenberg
He may not mean to, but he does
He'll fill your ass with nacho gas
And wreck your good mood, just because.

But he was fucked up, years ago
By Tom Selleck, and Ted Danson
Whose faces, 'staches, and coiffures
Remain eternally handsome

Man hands on misery to man,
And Guttenberg can find no luck
He still makes movies every year,
But no-one gives a flying fuck.



Hey! Who's that man? He looks familiar
Sitting on the street corner asking for food
Got dark curly hair, and twinkling eyes
He looks like he usedta' be a cool dude!

Once upon a time he made people laugh
He even used to be kinda' cute!
But how the mighty have fallen
That man was once known as The Gute.

No! Surely he couldn't be The Gute!?
But I heard The Gute was once a hero
Who made the world a happier place
How could he have sunk so low?

Well, my child, you can only rely on
Singing and dancing robots for so long
Before even Ally Sheedy must say
"Enough's enough! This is just wrong!"

But dancing robots are still funny, right?
I mean, somewhere out there, people laugh?
And what about the horny cop trainees?
Or the old people acting like riff-raff?

No, no, my child, these things are no longer
Amusing to anyone beside sweaty fat brutes
Alone they mourn the rise and the fall
Of the charming man once known as The Gute.

Anna Dynamite


Whose films these are, I think I know
His name I have forgotten though
Amazon women on the moon?
Despite its name, can't help but blow.

My poor TV must thing it queer
To see me watching Diner here
And on his birthday I observe
The saddest evening of the year

He will not know his flicks I rent,
Because he is irrelevant
The only sound I hear is me,
When the applause becomes silent

Cocoon is lovely, short and sweet,
Short Circuit makes me beat my meat,
Into obscurity, retreat
Into obscurity, retreat



Oh Guttenberg, Steve Guttenberg
Oh have you seen Guttenberg?
Steve Guttenberg the Jewish funnyman?

Oh Guttenberg was the funniest man
Back in the 1980s
A little bit of smartass and a little
Charm for the ladies!

Slight and slender
I bet he can dance
Sly and sassy
He'll get into your pants!

Oh Guttenberg, Steve Guttenberg!
Oh have you seen Guttenberg?
Guttenberg the Jewish funnyman!

Anna Dynamite


When I was Steve Guttenberg,
I heard a wise man say,
"Make comedies and dramas,
But save your fucking money.

Make action films and spy flicks,
But keep your savings high."
But I was Steven Guttenberg,
No use to talk to I.

When I was Steve Guttenberg,
I heard him say again,
"Your boyish looks are going,
There are better leading men.

The scripts will soon stop coming,
And the groupie bitches, too,"
And I am still Steve Guttenberg,
And oh!  'Tis true!  'Tis True!



If I saw Steve Guttenberg, I'd be liable
      To smack that fucker with the Gutenberg Bible!
He'd try to run, he'd try to pass
      But I'd whack him on the Ecclesi-Ass!
"Please, stop!" He'd do his best to hint,
      But I'd whack him with both testaments!
The pages would fall like drifting petals
      And his screams would be like scraping metals,
But I'd not stop, no siree "Bob"!
      I'd whack that fuck and do the job!
And then when he lies, broken, bleeding--
      I'd give him what he's sorely needing.
I'd pry his jaws--no brag, jes' facts--
      And feed that shmuck the book of "ACTS"!
And to ensure he learns his craft,
      I'll jam the rest of the book in *aft.*

Then I'd wipe my hands and skip away,
     After giving us ALL a *better day.*

Susie the Floosie


One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with The Gute
and across the sky flashed scenes from his films.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to The Gute.
When the last scene from the clip reel flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of his career,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest clips from his movies.
This really bugged me and I asked The Gute about it.
"Gute," I said to The Gute, "You said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the absolute worst scenes from your films
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Gute replied, "My precious, precious fan,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during these scenes of awful acting.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that you were carrying me."

So I punched that fucker dead in the face,
stole his wallet and kicked him in the nuts while he was down.
It was the best dream I ever had.


Anna Dynamite


Guttenberg and Martian went to sea
in a beautiful pea-green boat.
They took some nachos, and plenty of tacos,
But couldn't get it to float.
Guttenberg looked at the stars above,
And sang with a small trombone,
  "The boat is too heavy, we're going to sink,
  I'll have to go sailing alone,
  I'll have to go sailing alone!"

Martian said to Guttenberg, "Hai, yoo gai!
how wonderfully sweet you croon,
O' let us eat nachos, With cheese and cilantros,
But what shall we do for a spoon?
They sailed away for a year and a day,
Till they came to a field of grass,
And there in the wood,
Schizobech stood,
with a spoon sticking out of her ass,
  her ass,
  her ass,
With a spoon sticking out of her ass.

"Dear pig", Martian hollered, "Please sell for one dollar,
your spoon" Schizobeck said "yes"
So they took it, and used it,
And Martian abused it,
By hiding it up in his dress.
Becky got jealous and called out "hey fellas,
I'm feeling funny,
Please give the spoon back, I need it in my crack,
And I want all your spending money,
I want all your spending money."



When I was a child I loved Short Circuit
Man, oh man, did that robot make me laugh
Plus I thought Ally Sheedy was so cute
In her van selling food by the sea.

I also really liked Fisher Stevens
He was playing some vaguely foreign guy
I thought his beard was so cute
And he had a strange accent, which was funny.

But for some reason, one guy I didn't like
That guy was Mr. Steve Guttenberg
I found him annoying, not so cute.
Plus, I was sure he liked the cock.

Basically, what I'm trying to say here
Is that talking robots, Ally Sheedy
And the comedic stylings of Fisher Stevens
Really made that movie for me.

Anna Dynamite



Cop Actor for the World
Mirth makar, Circuit Shortar
Playar with High Spirits,
Stoarmy, Husky, Brawling,
Comic of the Big Shouldars:

They tell me you are wicked and I believe them, for I
have seen your painted women undar the gas lamps
luring the farm boys.

And they tell me you are crooked and I answar:  Yes, it
is true I have seen the gunman kill and go free to kill again.

And they tell me you are funny my reply is:  On the
faces of women and children I have seen the smirks
of wanton humor.

And having answared so I turn once moar to those who sneer at this
my idol, and I give them back the sneer and say to them:

Come show me anothar actor with curley hair singing
so proud to be alive and coarse and strong and cunning.

Flinging magnetic curses amid the toil of piling job on
job, here is a tall bold sluggar set vivid against the
littal soft comics;

Fierce as a dog with tongue lapping for giggals, cunning
as a savage pitted against the wildarness,
curl headed,
building, breaking, rebuilding,
Undar the smoak, dust all ovar his mouth, laughing with
white teeth,
Undar the terribal burdan of destany laughing as a young
man laughs,
Laughing evan as an ignorant fightar laughs who has
nevar made a turkey,
Bragging and laughing that undar his wrist is the pulse
and undar his ribs the heart of the peopal,
Laughing the stoarmy, husky, brawling laughtar of
Youth, half-nakad, sweating, proud to be
Cop actor for the world.



It was many and many a year ago,
in a kingdom by the sea,
There lived a young actor you may have forgotten,
Steve Gutenberg, was he.
And this actor lived with no other thought
Than to dance with the stars on TV

I was a child, and he was not,
But whatever the case may be,
Steve Gutenberg had a role in Cocoon
And also was one of the three
Men with a baby, and then he was gone
Till he danced with the stars on TV

We thought he was gone but was never forgotten,
Well maybe a bit by me,
And all of my friends, and everyone else,
Except in the industry
Where, consistently working, then spazzing, and jerking
And kicked off in episode three,
His goal was made moot when the Gute got the boot,
as he danced with the stars on TV