The Adventures of Lardknob! Boy Wonder
Lardknob woke up on his first day of summer vacation to the sound of sirens outside his bedroom window. "What the fuck is up with all that
noise?" asked Lardknob, to his trusty canine companion Zingpow.
Lardknob and Zingpow ran out into the front yard, to behold the sight of flaming buildings, everywhere. The old and infirm pounded the windows with bloody fists and stumps. Wailing mothers tossed bawling, burning infants from the rooftops as agonized mercy killings. Packs of wild dogs were alternately devouring and savagely raping the burn victims, who were bleeding profusely from their torn skin. The eyeballs of flailing nuns burst in their heads in a shower of blood and colorless sebum, and the trees were infernal torches in which nests of baby birds roasted amid the branches, their eggs exploding like crackling nun eyes.
Lardknob's eyes were wide as his own mother and father, their skin a flaking leather of oozing scabs, their hair singed to blackened wisps,
crawled grasping up the front walkway to him, hissing from their destroyed vocal chords, "Lardknob. We love you. Kill us, please." But before he could act, an enormous vulture as big as a plane swooped down from the blood red sky, snapped his parents up in its hellish beak, and flew away. A human foot, with the jagged shrapnel of bone and bloody gore jutting out of it, fell from the sky not three feet from Lardknob - he recognized it as his father.
"Alright!" said Lardknob, pumping his fist in the air. "Summer