There was once upon a time a king who had three sons, of whom two were clever and wise, but the third did not speak much, and was simple, and was called Kevin Anderson.
When the king had become old and weak, and was thinking of his
end, he did not know which of his sons should inherit the kingdom after
him. Then he said to them, go forth, and he who brings me the most
beautiful woman home shall be king after my death.
And now one brother went to the right, and the other to the left, and they mocked Kevin Anderson, who sat down and was sad.
Then all at once he saw that there was a trap-door close by. He raised
it up, found some steps, and went down them. Then he came to another
door, knocked at it, and heard somebody inside calling -
"little green waiting-maid,
waiting-maid with the limping leg,
little dog of the limping leg,
hop hither and thither,
and quickly see who is without."
The door opened, and he saw a great, fat toad sitting, and
round about her a crowd of little toads. The fat toad asked what he
wanted. He answered, "I am to take home the most beautiful woman."
"Oh," answered the toad, "the most beautiful woman. She is not at hand at the moment, for she is at work as a porn star at the Motel 6, but still you shall have her."
She gave him a purple sock, to which six mice were harnessed. Then
Kevin Anderson said quite mournfully, "What am I to do with that?" The
toad answered, "Just put one of my blueberry pies into it." Then he
seized one, and put it into the purple sock, but hardly was it inside
than it turned into a wonderfully beautiful maiden, and the sock into a
coach, and the six mice into horses. So he kissed her, and drove off
quickly with the horses, and took her to the king...
"Good-day, Kevin Anderson," said he.
"Thank you kindly, troll."
"Whither away so early, little Kevin?"
"To the king's."
"What have you got in your sock?"
"A blueberry pie. Yesterday was baking-day, so the poor
sick king is to have something good, to make him stronger."
"Where does the king live, little Kevin?"
"A good quarter of a league farther on in the wood. His
castle stands under the three large oak-trees, the nut-trees are just
below. You surely must know it," replied little Kevin.
The troll thought to himself, what a tender young creature. What a nice plump mouthful, he will be better to eat than the old man. I must act craftily, so as to catch both.
So he walked for a short time by the side of Kevin Anderson, and then
he said, "see little Kevin, how pretty the flowers are about here. Why
do you not look round. I believe, too, that you do not hear how
sweetly the little birds are singing. You walk gravely along as
if you were going to school, while everything else out here in the wood
is merry."
from the path into the wood to look for flowers. And whenever he had picked one, he fancied that he saw a still prettier one farther on, and ran after it, and so got deeper and deeper into the wood.
Deep in he woods, night soon fell, and Kevin sought refuge in an old barn to sleep, and dream of hot blueberry pie.
In the morning when a man-servant went into the barn to fetch
some straw, he was so mightily alarmed at the sight of Kevin sitting
there in a corner, purple sock affixed to his groin, that he ran away
and announced to his master that a monster, the like of which he had
never set eyes on in his life, and which could devour a man without the
slightest difficulty, was sitting in the barn, rolling its eyes about
in its head.
"I know your kind," said the master, "you have courage enough
to chase a blackbird about the fields, but when you see a hen lying
dead, you have to get a stick before you go near it. I must go and see
for myself what kind of a monster it is," added the master, and went
quite boldly into the granary and looked round him.
When, however, he saw with his own eyes the strange grim
creature, he was no less terrified than the servant had been.
With two bounds he sprang out, ran to his neighbours, and begged
them imploringly to lend him assistance against an unknown and
dangerous beast, or else the whole town might be in danger if it were
to break loose out of the barn, where it was shut up.
A great noise and clamor arose in all the streets, the townsmen
came armed with spears, hay-forks, scythes, and axes, as if they were
going out against an enemy. Finally, the senators appeared with
the burgomaster at their head. When they had drawn up in the
market-place, they marched to the barn, and surrounded it on all sides.
Thereupon one of the most courageous of them stepped forth and
entered with his spear lowered, but came running out immediately
afterwards with a shriek and as pale as death, and could not utter a
single word. Yet two others ventured in, but they fared no better.
At last one stepped forth, IMBJR, a great strong man who was
famous for his warlike deeds, and said, "you will not drive away the
monster by merely looking at him, we must be in earnest here, but I see
that you have all tuned into women, and not one of you dares to
encounter the animal."
He ordered them to give him some armor, had a sword and spear
brought, and armed himself. All praised his courage, though many
feared for his life. The two barn-doors were opened, and they saw Kevin
Anderson, who in the meantime had perched himself on the middle of a
great cross-beam. He had a ladder brought, and when he raised it, and
made ready to climb up, they all cried out to him that he was to bear
himself bravely, and commended him to St. George, who slew the dragon.
When he had just got to the top, Kevin let fly with an odious Del
Taco fart, which rattled the windows like a thunderclap.
"You bastard!" IMBJR cried, and fell to his knees gasping for
breath. "The monster," said they, "has poisoned and mortally wounded
the very strongest man among us, by snapping at him and just breathing
on him with his arse. Are we, too, to risk our lives?" They took
counsel as to what they ought to do to prevent the whole town from
being destroyed.
For a long time everything seemed to be of no use, but at
length the burgomaster found an expedient. "My opinion," said he,
"is that we ought, out of the common purse, to pay for this barn, and
whatsoever corn, straw, or hay it contains, and thus indemnify the
owner, and then burn down the whole building and the terrible beast
with it. Thus no one will have to endanger his life. This
is no time for thinking of expense, and stinginess would be ill
applied."
All agreed with him. So they set fire to the barn at all
four corners, and with it Kevin Anderson was miserably burnt.
Let any one who will not believe it, go thither and inquire for
himself.