Fairy Tale Friday 1
BIOU's Fairy Tale Friday 1
Once there was a fabulous queen, who lived in a big pink castle in the west village, and who, like many of the queens in fairy tales, was unable to bear a child. But while rummaging through his partner's purse, he found an ad for an adoption agency. "Oh, super!" he squealed, and wrote them a letter.
He asked them to send him a beautiful girl, as black as the night, with bright, shining eyes and a soft pillow of fluffy Afro hair. "I want a BIG, healthy baby girl, with an appetite for the finer things in life. She should be clever, never dull, with fat little cheeks. I promise to make her life easy, and never to be lazy or wasteful in her care. I feel that a child like this is entitled to a good life. I live in a big pink castle - please send her home with my bird." And he tied his letter to the leg of a carrier pigeon, and threw it into the air.
The pigeon was careful, but the weather was treacherous, and the poor bird had to fly through a storm to get to Miss Fit's Adoption Kiosk in Enchanted Alabama. When he arrived, he handed over the letter to the receptionist, but the ink had run in the rain, and the letter appeared to say:
"I want a BIG girl, with an appetite...She should be dull, and...fat...and...easy...lazy, wasteful...feel entitled to a good life. A big pink bird."
"Well THAT is fortuitous", said the receptionist. "We have just such a loaf lying screaming in the reject ward. I'd better ship this thing off before the benevolent queen changes his mind."
And so Schizo Blight was tied to the carrier pigeon, who was skeptical, but heaved the squalling beast back to the castle.
When the pigeon returned with its load, the queen beheld the shrieking beet-faced creature in swaddling purple rags, its bloated, mottled face smeared with powdered cheese sauce, and its grabby little pork-like fists. "Oh no, girl, nuh uh", said the Queen. "I asked for a BLACK baby girl with some QUALITIES. I don't know WHAT you are supposed to be, but I am NOT going to be rolling YOUR big booty around the neighborhood. There is a parade next weekend, and you are just not fit to be seen."
The Queen was kind, if unimpressed, and rather than performing a much needed late-term abortion on the abomination, determined to set it free to let fate decide its fortune.
So Schizo Blight was set loose in the world, and she barged out into it, barely making it a few blocks before feeling hungry and sweaty, so she ducked into the doorway of an antique shop.
Finding no-one behind the counter, she investigated a bit. "I guess some people have extra money to spend on decorative things because they weren't victimized by gay fathers who go through purses and put out without any compensation for their troubles, some people have discretionary money to spend on ornamental bookends. Must be nice, not that I would know, nobody has offered ME any help since I was thrown away for NOT being black enough, guess some people are just racist and I'm sorry if I'm not black enough but that was racism no matter what race the person was and very unfair against unemployed victims who don't have time to clean out their...oh my!" and with that she stopped, for Schizo Blight and wandered into a back room of curious figurines.
The figurines were large, and lined up against the wall, depicting cherub-like people in various acts of self-sufficience and social activity. Schizo Blight reached out a smudgy, sticky finger to touch one, when the figurines leapt to life, just about scaring the holy living shit out of her!
"Schizo Blight!" said one figurine, "I am Cleany! Hi-ho, hi-ho, I clean my own goddamn house!"
The figurines moved closer to Schizo Blight, a loose circle forming around her.
"Schizo Blight!" said another "I am Gainfully Employedeyo! Hi-ho, hi- ho, I don't expect charity before helping myself, or try to scam people with bogus tarot readings over the internet!"
The circle closed a little tighter.
"Schizo Blight! I am Nutritionella! Hi-ho, hi-ho, I eat food, instead of heavily processed pasteurized inedible chemically treated irradiated dehydrated rehydrated non-food-product!"
"Schizo Blight! I am Responsibiliteedly! Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's nobody's fault but my own if I lose control of my life!"
Schizo Blight was frantic - she whirled around, a spinning purple blur, searching for any way out of the ever-tightening circle of Special Minutes figurines!
"Schizo Blight! I am Clarito! Hi-ho, hi-ho, I can carry on a linear conversation that makes sense to all parties involved!"
"Schizo Blight! I am Relevancity! Hi-ho, hi-ho, I am totally on the fucking topic!"
Schizo Blight was worked into a frenzy of the Horror, clutching her chest, the screaming pink Horror descending all around her. Her vision began to narrow to a tunnel of light in a void of blackness, which was more than black enough, as the seventh and final walking and talking Special Minutes figurine, the largest of them all, loomed before her, with the other six surrounding her, jabbing at her, thrusting their sharp ceramic fingers into her soft, pink, misshapen form. And the biggest, scariest Special Minutes figurine of all, a bobble-headed wide-eyed nightmare with a glittering smile and a jaunty pipe clenched between millions of razor sharp grinning teeth, glared at Schizo Blight and said,
"Schizo Blight, I am Reality! Hi-ho, hi-ho, I'm going to eat you alive!"
And he did.
And there was no handsome prince to come to the rescue, as the seven ceramic horsemen of the apocalypse gorged on her many greasy fleshy mounds in that dusty antique shop back room. The carnage was astonishing, and there was nothing left when they finished but a pile of yellowed teeth and a few scraps of greasy hair wrapped in a bloody purple tarp. And the beautiful queen sent away for a NEW adoptee, who was as black as Joe Cosby, and they won an award on Soul Train and lived happily ever after.
The end! Happy Friday! See you on the saucers, motherfuckers!