Once upon a time there was a little SubGenius farmboy named Samuel who did not want to work.

Every morning he thought of the cows with their big mushy udders and the hungry pigs with their legs all caked with poop. Then he'd think of breakfast and fropping in front of the fireplace all afteroon. There was always a good reason to stay in.

So the cows went unmilked, and the pigs went unfed, and pretty soon the pigs were eating each other and fucking the cows and his little barnyard was filled up with horrible, unholy, inbred, brain damaged, kicking, snorting, crap-smeared hybrid monsters and half-starved wild rapist pigs.  His fields were a crimescene slick of blood and feces and the bleating innocent trembled in terror under an apathetic and indifferent God.

Samuel feared that one day the biggest rapist pig of all, "Hambone", would corner him and impregnate his pooper full of savage hellish cow- pigs with gnashing teeth and razor sharp claws, so he got down on his knees and prayed to the giant monkey in space, with his long flowing beard and golden sandals, for help.

And the next day when he woke up, sitting at the foot of his bed was a little helper monkey wearing a spiked helmet and carrying an electric prod.  He called it "Terrence".

Samuel was so happy, he sent Terrence out into the pasture to deal with the mess.  And when the day was over, Terrence came home soaked with blood.  The cows had been milked, the pigs had been fed, around Terrence's neck were the severed testicles of Hambone, the buttfucking scourge of the farm.

That night as Samuel and Terrence shared a ham, he remembered that a few years back, a friend had pushed him into a pile of manure and ruined his pants.  He got on his knees that night and begged the giant sky Gorilla, with his Cadillac cloud and his laserbeam eyes, for help.

The next day, sitting on the foot of his bed, were four more monkeys. He sent them out with their little monkey heads full of missions, and they returned that night lugging huge canvas sacks brimming with the nuts of his enemies.

Before long, the village and surrounding farms were in constant terror that savage nut-snatching apes would gore them and eat their still beating hearts and tear out their family jewels.  They quaked in their beds at night, anxiously cupping their nards and praying for deliverance from this bloody and vengeful plague.

And because they were good and hardworking, their prayers were answered. A beautiful angel ascended from a bog, and saw the poor farmers fearing for the sanctity of their sacks.  She made up her mind to help.

Leaning on her greatest strengths, she hoisted up her perfect angel tits and apparitioned into Samuel's heavily fortified cabin, where she found him drinking hallucinogens from a coconut half and lounging naked atop a throne of writhing monkeys, with glowing yellow eyes and jaws all frothy with foam, while statuesque monkey concubines with inflamed red asses paraded around bearing fiery torches and platters of grapes.  "I come in peace," she said, batting her eyelashes sweetly.  "Let's be reasonable."

Samuel sure loves his Angel Uterus Crown.

The end!  Happy Friday!