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Your Doktor
Jane Magnifico lived in a cottage filled with strange and
perverse artifacts on the border of a treacherous forest. While
rummaging
through her oddities she uncovered an Ascorti 2009 Commemorative
Edition Pipe, #1 in a series of 82, in mint condition. "I will
bring this pipe as a gift for "Bob"," she said. "I have heard
that his mind
is troubled." So she packed a basket with essentials, and struck
out
into the woods.
While she walked, she lit a fropstick. It was very
potent, and from
out of the woodwork it lured a False Bob. "Hello Jane," said
False Bob. "You're looking unusual. Do you need some pils?
I have
Antilard and Phatnil, Wankodin and Slenderal."
Jane yawned. "Phatnil may cause rectal seepage.
Patients who take Slenderal suffer from occasional minor acts of
suicide."
The False Bob suggested, "Take some Anustop for the drips,
and for
minor occasional suicide, try new Reanimex."
But Jane always paid careful attention to commercials, and
recited,
"Anustop causes explosion of the eyeballs in some subjects. Talk
to
your physician if you experience memory loss, impudence, or your arms
and legs fall off while taking Reanimex."
The False Bob shook a jar of pills in her face and said
"Try a dose of Inveyegro if your eyes explode, and some Armipan,
Legtrex and Memorrhoid for your missing limbs and memories!"
Jane finished her fropstick, and stood and declared, "Some
users of
Inveyegro report a total loss of slack. Do not take Memorrhoid if
you
are normal, pink, or may become pink."
The False Bob was stumped - he had no cure for
slacklessness or
pinkness, and Jane left him gibbering in the woods and gobbling
handfuls of candy-like pills at random, while she skipped off to
deliver the pipe to "Bob".
When she got there, she found "Bob" fretting. "I
have heard rumors
of a False Bob in these magical woods. This saddens me," he said.
So Jane whupped out that pipe to show him, and "Bob"'s
face lit up
like a burning city. He filled his new pipe and smoked it with
Jane,
and they spent the rest of the afternoon watching cartoons and eating
Rice Krispie Treats.
When the moon rose up over the forest, "Bob" walked Jane
home, and deep in the woods they encountered the False Bob, sporting an
erection which had lasted more than four hours, dragging himself along
on the ground by his arms trailing bloody leg stumps behind him, with
two mucky gashes in his face where his eyes used to be. His tongue
lolled on the ground, covered with dirt and grit and inch long
string-like filament warts which waved in the breeze. On the seat
of his pants was an oily brown stain, and his face was a mask of
horror, and confusion, and frustration.
"Ha ha!" said "Bob". "Some people never get anything
right."