Zapanaz on
Dac Mortian
Dac Mortian
"MAAA! NACHOS!"
The whining stuffed-nose voice bellowed up from the basement.
"NACHOOOOOOOOOS!" it came again, about 28 seconds later.
Dac Mortian[1]'s mom bustled quickly about the kitchen, melting cheese and opening Dorito's bags.
[1] a fictional character
She knew he would only get louder the longer she took.
Even opening the Dorito's bag was agony because of her crippling arthritis, but she was happy to do it for her little Kavin Enderson [1]
[1] a fictional character
He was her baby. Indeed, she couldn't see how he had in the least way changed since he was a baby; a momma's dream. She was overjoyed to help her little baby stay just exactly the way he was.
Melting the cheese over the nachos and pouring it over the plate of dorito's and slicing peppers over the top, she rushed into the basement, where Kavin was bashing hysterically at the computer keyboard with his fists, shrieking hysterically. "SUSIE SLUT SLUTTY SLUT! I BOOB YOU IN TEH FACE! OOB OOB BOOB! OMG LOL!!" Mortian's mom looked at the screen of the computer and saw the label "alt.slack". She thought it had something to do with the little "high epopt club" which Kavin had talked her into paying for for him years ago. It had only been thirty dollars, and she had thought it might do him some good to socialize with people, preferably people on the Internet who wouldn't notice the body odor issue, but in the long run it seemed to have only left him more agitated than he had been before.
"Kavvy baby, I have your nachos", she said as non-threateningly as she could possibly manage. But it never helped.
Kavin whipped around, flinging his hands over his head like an enraged gorilla.
"OMG MOM, LOL!!! YOU KNOW I LIKEZ MORE CHEESE ON MY NACHOS THAN THAT!
YOU ARE A BOOBY BOOB BOOB, MOM! YOU ARE THE DUMBZ! OMG!"
Mrs. Enderson wiped spittle from her face and smiled pleasantly. "I'm so sorry deary Kavvy, do you want me to take them up and try again?"
"DUMB COW BOOB! IF YOU TAKE THEM UP, I MIGHT DIE FROM HUNGER WHILE I
WAIT! LOL! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT BOOBY BOOB OOB MOM DOM DUMB!?"
Mrs. Enderson had learned that when he asked questions with no right answers, to just go ahead and not answer them.
"So!", she said as brightly as Shirley Temple, "did you get a chance to look for a job just a little bit today, Honey Woney Umz?"
She knew, even as she asked the question, that it was not a good idea to ask it. She just felt though sometimes like, darn it, she needed to be the adult in this relationship sometimes. That was, anyway, what Kavvy's counselor told her.
But she always regretted it.
Dac Mortian
[1] a fictional character
went berserk, leaping up from the chair and rushing at her screaming. Times like this, she really thought he might get violent. It hadn't happened yet, knock wood. (She didn't realize he was actually terrified of her, as he was of pretty much anybody).
"WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO MA, KILL ME? DO YOU KNOW HOW HOT IT IS OUT
THERE? IT IS OVER ONE HUNDRED DEGREES HOT! WE CAN'T LIVE ON
EURO-STEMPORAL TIME HERE MA, I HAVE TO SLEEP WHEN IT'S HOT OR I COULD
DIE OF AN AMOLISM! AND WHAT TIME I HAVE LEFT I NEED TO DO MY
HUMANITARIAN WORK!"
She had learned this "humanitarian work" was when he bashed hysterically at the computer keyboard with his fists, shrieking hysterically at Jewish people on the Internet.
"Well Kavvy, I'm just a'sayin', your pa and I ain't gettin' any younger, if you could help a little with the bills it would make us mighty proud of you."
"HELP YOU WITH THE BILLS, YOU COW WHORE? ARE YOU DUMBA DUMB? YOU ARE
FORGETTING THE HIGHLY-PAID WEBSITE DEVELOPMENT WORK I DID! AS YOU ARE
TOO STOOPID TO UNDERSTAND COMPUTERS, THIS DOES NOT SURPRISE ME!"
"That was fine Kavvy [1]
[1] a fictional character
but remember, you had them pay you in food, and then you ate it all? You had a stomache for days."
"STOOPIT WOMAN, YOU ARE A SLUT WHORE LIKE SUSIE, WHO I HATE, AND THAT
ZAPANAZ, WHO TYPES HIS FINGERS OFF IN JEALOUSY OF ME! BUT I AM A
GREAT AUTHOR AND MY BOOK ON AMAZON.COM IS GOING TO MAKE ME RICH! AND
YOU WON'T SEE A CENT OF IT, I WILL JUST CRAP ON YOUR HEAD! CRAP APP
DAPP BAPP! COW WHORE!"
A weird flicker passed over Kavin's face for a moment.
"I wonder why nobody likes me", he said to himself.
Mrs. Enderson sat on Kavin's lap and mussed his hair (well she more sort of shoved his grease-soaked locks one way and the other, but it was a sort of grooming-behaviour-thing) and cooed in his ear.
"Aw Kavvy-wavvy, don't let them get to you! They're just jealous cause they see how much better you are than them! Don't pay them no never-mind!"
Kavvy softened and nestled into her arms, calmed by the gentle motherly affection. For a moment his innocent blissful smile was almost cherubic.
Mrs. Kavvy
[1] a fictional character
hummed gently into Kavvy's ear and stroked his grease-thick locks.
"Wanna hand-job, honey?", she asked him gently.
"AW MOM", he gushed, "YOU'RE THE GREATEST!"
Afterwards, she beat him mercilessly.