Roy's Tales from the Roundhouse
You listen to what old Roy has to say.

Tuneup my ass

by Roy "Teabag" Hooter

Well, I was looking out towards the barn yesterday, and I seen my old International Harvester pickup truck sittin' out thar and I sez to myself, its time to tune that old rascal up.

So I went down to Doc's Auto Parts and picked me up some tuneup parts. Got me some plugs, some points and a 'stributor cap and one of them rotors.

Now yer International 1310 is called yer camper special, they made it big n' heavy so's it can handle yer Mitchell camper or what have you. It's got big old tahres on the back, them's a little bigger than the front tahrs. So it's a big ol' pick me up and has 4 gas tanks. I filled er up last spring and it done cost me $180.00 to git er filled.

Anyways, I didn't expect it would take me all day to tune 'er up, but it did. She's got a big ol' V8 in 'er and the plugs are sorta hard to reach, both comin' out and goin' in. So I usually buy 10 plugs cause you usually drop one or 2 of 'em and they fall way down deep in the engine compartment and you can't git em out, so I just leave 'em be when that happens. See, my spark plug wrench don't have no rubber thingy in it to hold the plug tight, so I just stuff some cotton up in there but it don't always hold 'em right tight.

T'ohter thang bout it is you hafta git up on a stool on to git at the back 'uns. So I lost a couple in there and had to go back to Doc's to git a couple extries, and that's 30 mile down the road, nexta the Suds 'n Duds, so I stopped in to see my old pal Guido and have a couple Frostys and see if he got a new hunk of overhauls in. Now, Guido ain't no Guinea, his Mom just give him that name cause she admired that fella in Aspen, up Colorada way. You know 'bout Aspen it's that fancy skiin' town up there where all the fancy people go, but back in he early 70's the damn place was infested with hippies, just like my barn is wit mice.

Now, Guido, and he was a real Guniea, he had this here restaurant up there, and he had a big sign out front that said "No Hippies Allowed". And boy, he meant it. One day some hippy come in there and was smartin' off to him about how come he couldn't eat there, that was de-scrimination, and the constitution and rights and a bunch of other such nonsense. Well, Guido didn't take kindly to all that talk so he got his shotgun and ran that scraggly SOB out 'o there and the feller run down the street and Guido let him have both barrels in the back, figurin' that'll teach 'em all. Well, he kilt that hibble, but I think he got off, protectin' his property and such all. So, to make a long story short, Guido's Ma admard that Colorada Guido so much that she named her boy after him, even though he was a Texan through and through. Anyways, I gotta git back to the tuneup, cause that editor feller Tater, he only gives you so many words to work wit and I'll respect his right to do that, but I'll tell Ya'll this, he better not change what I'm a sayin' here cause I got rights, says so in that constitution, free speech and all.

So, after a couple a Frosty's, I got me a couple more plugs and headed on home. I got those last 2 in, the ones way in the back, and snugged em up just right. Did you know that they have a torque number fer spark plugs? Hell, any sissy gonna use a torque wrench on a spark plug outta git the same treatment as that bell bottom wearin' feller up there in Colorada.

Anyways, there was a good part of the day gone, so I got to puttin' in the points. Now, I don't buy two set 'o points cuz they are too expensive. I ain't dropped one yit cause the 'stributor is right up front there where you can git at it, not like some of them Ford's wheres they put it way in back and ya hafta crawl yer ass all the way inta the engine compartment to git 'em put in. So I got em put in thar and gapped em, I don't have me one of them fancy gap gauges, I just use a matchbook cover, I figger that's close enough and I popped on that rotor and a new cap and buttoned er up.

Well, now all I had to do was time er. I may not have a gapper gauge, but I do have a timin' light, got it when my cousin Willard died. He was big on tools, it's a Craftsman, the ones you git at Sears, made in the USA, not some of that cheap Chink stuff they keep importin' from all those counties over thar. So I clipped 'er on, threw a half a bean can o' gasoline down the carb cause she'd been settin' so long and I fired er up. Well, I took that timin' light to 'er and damned if I couldn't see any marks on there to time er with. I got to scratchin' my head over it and shut er down. I rolled 'er over manual like and finally found those marks, but they was all the way on the toher side of where they shoulda been at. I got to scratching agin and after a spell, I got to being frustrated, it's just a damed old tuneup.

Well, I decided to take a break and go in and have a couple a snorts to calm me down. Well, that didn't calm me down but it made me think, Ma was in there with her computer, she made me buy it for her so she could be on that face book or twitter or whatever they do on those thangs, but betwixt you and me, I don't know that her face belongs anywhere other than where it is at. But then I figgered that she had that Googly on that and some old boy told me you could find anything in the world on thar so I asked her to Googly that truck, and shore nuff up come a bunch o' stuff and somebody else had the same problem. Well I finally figgered out that you time these here Internationals on cylinder number 8, not cylinder number 1 like every other car or truck ever made. I didn't believe it that is so ass backwards. Hell, even the Nip and Kraut cars time on number 1. So anyways, I went out and tried that and shore nuff she came right up with the timing marks and I got er did, even though it took all damn day. Well, everybody is always saying that the govment shouldn't interfere with private bitness, they are saying it a lot these days, but I sure wish to hell that the govment had told International Harvester what to do when they built that damn thang. I'll make a exceptun here, cause I got rights, like I said, rights they say in that constitution.

Well, I think I'll take er for a test spin over to the Suds and Duds and maybe have me a couple more Frostys and thank on this govment and private business stuff for a spell.