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Genesis 1
by Tater Gumfries on Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 11:29am ·

    1: First thing, God made him the sky and the ground.
    2: And the ground was all lumpy, and weren't nothin on it; and that water was dark. So God git up on that water there.
    3: God said Mash that button: and the light come on, just like that.
    4: God looked around and said, All right! Now, let's have a little contrast.
    5: God called the light part Day, and the dark part Night. And that first day went on without a hitch.
    6: Then God made him a big old island in that sea.
    7: Then God made him a place to live up there in the sky.
    8: And he called it Heaven. Took him one extra day, on account of it was his place and all.
    9: Then God mooshed all them waters together into a big old ocean, and he dried that land out.
    10: God called that dry land Earth; and that ocean he called the Seas: and God looked around and said All right!.
    11: Then he set the grass to growin, and the seeds you can eat, and the fruit trees with fruit got the seeds inside. Yep.
    12: And the grass was growin and the fruit trees were fruitin, and God looked around and gave it a nod.
    13: That took a whole other day.
    14: Then the next day he sprinkled some stars up there so we could see em and get home when we's lost at night, cept he ain't made nobody to get lost just yet. You just wait..
    15: And he commenced to plannin somethin special in the sky, so that light would make sense.
    16: So what he done is he put the sun up there to go around the Earth, and the Moon for the night time, but he set em up carful so they hardly ever touch.
    17: Put them right up in the sky, he did,
    18: and the Sun was supposed to be out in the day, and the Moon at night. Took a look at it and figured he got it right.
    19: That there took another day. Oh, Lordy, he's only got a couple more days until he makes that gal and that feller.
    20: And then, by golly, he made some fish and some birds. Makes a feller hungry, mmm hmmm.
    21: But God didnt jus make a some birds and some fish, he fill the sky with all kinds of birds and filled the water will all kinds of fish and sea monsters. God thought that was sweeter'n a funnel cake.
    22: God gave dem birds and fishes and such his blessin's and he said to em, "Go reproduce like those rabbits I am gonna make later" And then he called it a day, because that fish and bird makin is tirin' stuff.
    23: So He slept a spell then mornin' come and danged if it wasn't Friday and God said "TEE GEE EYE EFF!" Cause it had been a workin' week, no foolin'.
    24: So God says "let's have us some livestock", and danged if it didn't just happen just like that. All kind'a critters, and they all was different kinds, like you got your sheep, you got your buffalo, and they's all different.
    25: And like I say, they was all kinds of'em. No foolin', just all kinds of'em.
    26: Then God he says "well HELL, we got us a farm, but we need us somebody to run it!"
    27: So He figgers, it's gotta be somebody smart, like Him, so He makes Him up somebody thet's like He is. But He didn't just make Him one, He makes Him two. Yessir. And one of'em's a BOY, and one's a GIRL. Ol' God, He knows what He's a'doin'. There wouldn't be no country music otherwise if there wasn't boys 'n girls, now would there be? Not no romance songs, anyways. That God, He's a smart ol' boy.
    28: So God says "You boys is O.K.! Now you all git off t' romancin'. And all these animals and stuff is all yours now."
    29: And He says "and the plants and stuff too
    30: But feed some of them plants to the animals so they gots something to eat, OK?" And sure enough.
    31: And God took him a last look, and it was dang good. And that night and the next morning was the sixth day.. 

Translation by Roy "Teabag" Hooter, Tater Gumfries and Joe Cosby, editin by Tater Gumfries