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Genesis 4


:1: And Adam got it on with his old lady Eve; and she got a bit preggers, and squeezed out Cain, and said, Lookit th' little man th' Lord got me.
:2: And before you know what happened, Eve gave Cain a li'l brother Abel. And Abel wound up herding sheep, but Cain farmed, and he didn't even own a tractor.
:3: So after a bit, Cain figgered he'd give th' Lord some of whut he grew. Sorta like a Figis gift basket or something.
:4: But Abel, he got th' Lord a really good lamb roast with all th' fixins. And th' Lord had some good eatin'; and thanked Abel fer th' grub:
:5: But he didn't like Cain's gift basket. And Cain was plum ticked, and he got all down in the mouth.
:6: And the LORD done told Cain, What are you ticked for? and why are you so down in the mouth?
:7: If you getcher act together, won't you be all right by me? and if you don't getcher act together, sin will be waitin' at your front door. Play your cards right, and whatever he wants, you'll get, and you'll own his butt.
:8: So Cain talked it out with his li'l brother Abel: But a little while later, when they was out in the field, Cain got th' best of Abel--y'know, his brother--and killed him deader than dead.
:9: Later on th' Lord asked Cain, Where's Abel--you know, your little brother? And he said, Hell if I know: You expect me to always be keepin' an eye out for him?
:10: And he said, What th' Hell did you do? I kin hear th' blood of your brother--Abel, remember him?--cryin' from th' dirt. Kinda creepy, if ya think about it.
:11: And now, th' dirt curses you, since she hadda drank up your brother's blood from your hand, which was even creepier;
:12: So farm all you want, th' dirt ain't givin' you squat; Boy, you're gonna be runnin' from Johnny Law from here on.
:13: And Cain done told th' LORD, I can't hack it.
:14: Look, you've done told me I gotta leave th' face of the earth; and I'll even hide when your face shows up; and I'm on th' run from Johnny Law; and next thing you know everyone's gonna kill me.
:15: So th' Lord done said to him, Tell you what, whoever kills Cain--that's you, boy--he'll get whupped sevenfold. And th' Lord marked up Cain, so anyone who found him would know better.
:16: And Cain hadda get out of th' Lord's sight, so he moved off to Nod, east of Eden.
:17: And Cain somehow got a wife and got it on with her; and she got knocked up, and out came Enoch: and he--Cain, am I right?--done built a city, and named th' city after his boy. Y'know, Enoch.
:18: And, just to get it all out of th' way right off, Enoch's boy was Irad: and Irad's boy was Mehujael: and Mehujael's boy was Methusael: and Methusael's boy was Lamech.
:19: And Lamech wound up with two wives--Adah and Zillah--no divorce neither. Not sure how Adah and Zillah showed up, neither. Musta been more ribs.
:20: And Adah's boy was Jabal: he was the father of all tent and mobile home dwellers, and those with heiffers.
:21: And he had a brother named Jubal: he was the father of all pickers and grinners.
:22: And Zillah, her kids were Tubal-cain, who taught everyone how to work in bronze and iron and such: and Tubal-cain's li'l sister, Naamah.
:23: So Lamech done told his wives--Adah and Zillah, right? He said, Hey, listen up; hey! Wives of Lamech--y'know, me--check it out, cuz I done killed a man whut messed me up, and a young 'un too.
:24: If whoever killed Cain--that's my great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa--would get whupped sevenfold, well, now, surely anyone who messed with ol' Lamech--me--would get whupped seventy and sevenfold. Or something, not sure about th' math, I just know there's a lot of sevens.
:25: And Adam got it on with his wife--again!--and she squeezed out yet another son, and named him Seth: For God, she said, gave me another seed to take the place of Abel after Cain done killed him.
:26: And Seth had a li'l boy and called him Enos, and about then men started callin' out th' name of th' Lord. 

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