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Susie the Floozie wrote this here. Tater thought it was pretty damned funny, so he's postin it.

 

Unpopular Political Rant     by Susie the Floozie

 

Politics, politics, blah blah blah. Man, I hate the shit. I go to the polls every election, but mostly, I realized, I go to vote AGAINST the one I hate the most, and then just pick the people with the funniest names on the ticket.

 

Because I am an AMERICAN. I don't have to *know* anything to vote about it.

 

But this time around, it's gonna be different.

 

Last time there was a presidential election, I finally came close to voting *for* someone for a change. Believe me, it was a righteous pleasure to cast my vote for the BLACK DUDE, a real stick in the eye to The Man. And I truly had high hopes. Hope and change--those words were going to mean more than just a dead comedian and the menopause. But THEN...

 

...it all went to shit, and because of this playground-level political bitchfight that's been accelerating to buttstupid proportions. On the one side, the cheesed-off losers on the Right pulled everything they had back so that nothing good would blip on the charts during the other side's time period. They started jerking off to their Randian Galt's Gulch fantasies--because hell, they're the captains of industry. If they wanted to take their ball and go home, they could afford to weather a few years cooling their heels. Fuck the country in the meantime. Fuck people like Skull and Jamison struggling to survive. They were just collateral damage in the "fuck the other guy" game.

 

As for the other side--Elected Dude was already up against the crap from the previous regime and this new, deliberate stonewalling stagnation of the economy, but the way everything was set up ensured that he'd have to spend too much time on damage control rather than taking care of business. He needed to be in an unassailable position from jump, but what does he do? He greases in his buddies who happen to be hot, viable weasel-targets like Timothy Geithner when he could have chosen highly respected candidates who would bring further credentials as backup. THAT MAKES NO DAMN SENSE AT ALL. If someone's got a closet fulla skeletons, you know damned well that's gonna draw some fire. What, you'd think maybe nobody will freaking notice?! Spending time covering your ass monkey-wrenches *any* agenda--and the simplest way you deal with that is to come from a high ethical authority beyond impugning. If you truly want to be the most powerful motherfucker in the land, you stick to that because it will make you invulnerable. You gotta go full fucking Gandhi, and make DOUBLE damn fucking sure that no one you put in a sensitive position has feet of clay. I know that's a fucking nearly impossible task these days, but shit, man, you don't make it BUTT EASY on the opposition. Even a bimbo knows that, for fuck's sake! To further compound the problem, that dumbshit stimulus scheme was a gambler's solution that couldn't work, because throwing money at a problem is just throwing money. The problem isn't addressed, nothing improves, and you're left with everyone fighting over who didn't get what and who got more.

 

*Sigh* Here I helped vote the guy in, and now it's a quagmire of bullshit.

 

Because no one is dealing with things from a purely objective standpoint. The end result is we're ALL sinking down over our fucking heads in the shit, stuck in this stupid loser's game of economic keepaway and ineffectual whining. So now that both sides have pissed me off so badly, I'm finally looking at things and figuring out this politics stuff from a cold, realistic, sociological point of view. I think I know how it can work out for EVERYBODY. Hear me out.

 

This isn't coming from a position of desperation, but a dispassionate graphing of possibilities and potentials. Right now, I have an almost comfortable career going, but I know that's only because of an insanely timely tilt of the Luck Plane. I know full fucking well that in this crippled economic climate, I couldn't be surviving now without that variable. I know as a collective culture that we can't take four more years of the Right withholds our future while the Left pisses and moans and dithers. Something has to break the logjam and make the money flow again.

 

That's why I'm voting for Herman Cain.

 

HEY! Where's everyone going? HEAR ME OUT. This is crazy enough to work.

 

When I was doing that courier thing, I got to listening to rightwing radio for the traffic reports. I mostly loathed the contemptible fat-cat asshats and hotheads I heard on that station--just as I had been annoyed at the limp, huggy, hipster-smarm of Air America before it vanished from the Atlanta airwaves (it had shitty traffic reports, anyway). Both extremes cheesed me off to my own extreme. But from 7 to 10 at night, I found myself actively listening to Herman Cain's radio show as I drove around the Southeast.

 

And I found myself enjoying the man sometimes. Of all the WSB blowhards, he had an approach that didn't automatically make me hit the brake pedal. His technique was diametrically opposed to the standard rightard radio host's--Herman Cain never cut off his callers and then finished what he thought they should say. He never bullied and belittled them for having an opinion that was different. There were actual dialogues going on there--sure, he has a hard-assed businessman's approach, but hell, sometimes you need that to get things done. And his reasoning behind things was so nuts-and-bolts basic that I had to respect it. Besides, I liked the way he pronounced words--"wiv" for "with" always cracked me up, and another favorite word was "insh00wince" ("insurance"). Face it, having a president with an amusing speech mannerism would be a kick.

 

So yeah, I'm considering voting for Herman Cain for president. The reason why this arrangement will work for everyone is this:

 

As soon as someone from their side is in office, all those jealous little shits who have been yanking on the reins of financial power so hard they've almost broken the neck of the American economy will be forced to release their grip on our nation's economic future. America as a whole will experience a tsunami of growth--industry will flourish, money will flow. And they'll HAVE to OVERDO IT, just to show that the economic malaise really WAS caused by the other guy after all, like the ol' Carter/Reagan paradigm. Plus, with their own black dude as the figurehead, they'll REALLY have to overdo it in an attempt to prove that they're not the racist bastard motherfuckers many of them still are--and when someone is compensating for such a socially repressed emotional trigger, they WAY FUCKING OVERDO something. In their zeal to prove that the economy is truly, logically being rejuvenated through their guy having moved into the White House, it will be La Belle Epoch--and what's not to like about that? Excuse me while I hum a couple choruses of "We're in the Mon-EEEE!!!"...

 

Oh, but I forgot one important detail. I'm making a mark for Cain ONLY if that ticket gets even better--like having Newt Gingrich as a running mate.

 

WHOA! You just looked like Frame 313 from the Zapruder movie, Dude--but listen, I've thought this out. Upping the ante like this in a seemingly bad direction will ultimately pay off in BIG dividends for mutants, believe me! Let's just take a moment to consider what this move will do for the other side...

 

For starters, it will fucking GALVANIZE the Left like lightning hitting Frankenstein's monster. Once they figure out what politically correct language they can use (aw jeez, that's an embarrassment, but that's their M.O.), the Left will FINALLY have something tangible to focus on and fight against. This is a proven fact historically: it took a monolithic threat like the Nazis, but WWII actually turned a nation of limp-wristed, brie-sniffing cheese-monkeys into the fucking brass-balled French Resistance--the only use of the adjective "French" outside of a culinary sense that isn't laughably ridiculous!

And in my lifetime, I can recall how a little repression and some tear gas wafting in the breeze REALLY worked to get things done in the Nixon Era, man. Back then, Revolution with a capital R was in the air, and it wasn't just some corporate commercial promotion--the marching in the streets MEANT something, secret radical networks thrived, the dope was better, the pussy was better, and the underground comics that came out of that Age of Assclenching were *sa-weeeeet.*

 

That's the way the formula works, because look what happened to America once Nixon was gone--Ford couldn't keep up the Vader Quotient and the next thing we knew, we got mired in a stagnant sybaritic culture of Disco and Quaaludes. That's what you get when there's a compassionate leader in the White House--we turn into a nation of vapid Apathetics like ZARDOZ, and then we need a bit of goddamned brutalizing to snap out of it.

 

So, yeah, that's my conclusion: The more totalitarian the evil, the greater the fire in the belly to really bring about a change. And with more money flowing around and better technologies to exploit--this time around, the revolution will be well financed, more insidious, and way more inventive. See how it could work? Maybe shaking up the Petri dish and putting it under a sunlamp could be a good thing down the road.

 

So, this election, I'm waltzing into the voting booth and I'm going to do what I can to improve our collective future, wiv my head held high--by voting for Herman Cain. Things will be even more *totally* boss if by then Herman has picked the frickin' AntiChrist to be his veep.

 

***We're in the Mon-EEEE!!!***