Kern's Holler Contrarian
Othelia's Tequila Recipe
Othelia's Tequila Recipe
Dear Tater -
I don't rightly know if you'd call this a Drinkin' Science piece, or a recipe, maybe it's a bit of both.
I feel it incumbent upon me to set folks straight about tequila, and maybe give you a bit of help in making the most perfect of drinks, known far and wide (leastwise as far as Johnson's Corners,) as a Kern's Holler Iced T. City folks call it a margarita, and yes, the T stands for tequila, but don't let that stop you.
There's liquor, and then there's Liquor. Tequila is Liquor of the first order, and it ought to be treated with the respect you've give a block of semtex or C-4. It should only be feared by people that's too stupid to give it the respect it's due. Unfortunately, more than one person in Kern's Holler have let it conquer them - which is why Lem over to the saloon has that wall of shame posted up behind the cash register, and why they do drug and alcohol testing over to the beauty salon.
Listen, if you're drinkin' the kind of tequila with worms, well then move right along, because nothing I say can help you. Civilized folks don't knowingly drink liquor with dead butterfly larvaes in 'em. Some Mexican jokester came up with that one in 1950 to see if he could get gringos to eat worms. We may be backwoods here, but we're not backwards.
If you drink tequila straight up, well then, this ain't for you neither, because you're not looking for sunshine, you're just lookin' for fire.
Go to your cupboard and get one of those short round glasses, the ones they call highball glasses. It ought to be clear, and it's best if it's mostly clean. Don't use one that contains the leavings of your KH Iced T from last night or just wipe the rim off a bit. If you've got the time to do some drinking, you've got the time to start with a clean glass.
If you're a youngun', go ahead and rub the rim of the glass with a bit of lime and grind it upside down in a saucer of salt. Mmmmm... good, but not for the older folks. We've got to watch our salt intake. Put the glass in the freezer for a minute, and go stand out on the back porch and listen for a bird or cricket, take 3 or 4 really deep breaths. Communin' with nature always puts a better spin on the day, and you shouldn't drink while you're all het up about stuff. (There's your social science Tater. Now someone's wrote somethin.)
That reminds me. Kern's Holler Iced T's ain't daiquiris. You want that blended crap, you go over to Prissyville. You aren't going to get any of that frozen drink nonsense here.
Getting back to the makin'. Here's secret #2. Fill your glass 1/3 up with tequila. Brand doesn't matter so much as quantity. "Don't skimp, or you're a wimp!" It might be a marketing campaign, but by gosh and golly, it's true. Anywhere's between 1/3 and 1/2 is ok, but closer you get to 1/2, the more explosive you're packing. Be ready for it.
Here comes secret #3 to making the perfect KHIT. Fill the rest of that glass up with the tequila mix you bought yesterday when you were over to the store. All the way up to the tippy top. Do not stir, mix, or jostle!
If you don't feel it suddenly blossom in your belly at the first sip, then you didn't make it right. If your husband says he can smell the tequila from upstairs, it's a mite too strong. Drink that one up, and start over.
I don't rightly know if you'd call this a Drinkin' Science piece, or a recipe, maybe it's a bit of both.
I feel it incumbent upon me to set folks straight about tequila, and maybe give you a bit of help in making the most perfect of drinks, known far and wide (leastwise as far as Johnson's Corners,) as a Kern's Holler Iced T. City folks call it a margarita, and yes, the T stands for tequila, but don't let that stop you.
There's liquor, and then there's Liquor. Tequila is Liquor of the first order, and it ought to be treated with the respect you've give a block of semtex or C-4. It should only be feared by people that's too stupid to give it the respect it's due. Unfortunately, more than one person in Kern's Holler have let it conquer them - which is why Lem over to the saloon has that wall of shame posted up behind the cash register, and why they do drug and alcohol testing over to the beauty salon.
Listen, if you're drinkin' the kind of tequila with worms, well then move right along, because nothing I say can help you. Civilized folks don't knowingly drink liquor with dead butterfly larvaes in 'em. Some Mexican jokester came up with that one in 1950 to see if he could get gringos to eat worms. We may be backwoods here, but we're not backwards.
If you drink tequila straight up, well then, this ain't for you neither, because you're not looking for sunshine, you're just lookin' for fire.
Go to your cupboard and get one of those short round glasses, the ones they call highball glasses. It ought to be clear, and it's best if it's mostly clean. Don't use one that contains the leavings of your KH Iced T from last night or just wipe the rim off a bit. If you've got the time to do some drinking, you've got the time to start with a clean glass.
If you're a youngun', go ahead and rub the rim of the glass with a bit of lime and grind it upside down in a saucer of salt. Mmmmm... good, but not for the older folks. We've got to watch our salt intake. Put the glass in the freezer for a minute, and go stand out on the back porch and listen for a bird or cricket, take 3 or 4 really deep breaths. Communin' with nature always puts a better spin on the day, and you shouldn't drink while you're all het up about stuff. (There's your social science Tater. Now someone's wrote somethin.)
Good Combination
Get your glass out of the freezer, and take care that the chicken pot pies don't get dislodged while you're about it. Come to think of it, go ahead and grab one of 'em, and put it on the counter for now.
Bad Combination
Now, there's three secrets to making a really first rate Kern's Holler Iced T. First one's the ice. Fill that highball glass clear up to the rim, packed as tight as you can without breaking any of the cubes up. Broken up cubes don't do your drink no good at all. They make it watery before it's ready, and as the ratio of tequila to water is decreased, the drink is diluted and it won't get a proper chance to work its magic.
That reminds me. Kern's Holler Iced T's ain't daiquiris. You want that blended crap, you go over to Prissyville. You aren't going to get any of that frozen drink nonsense here.
Getting back to the makin'. Here's secret #2. Fill your glass 1/3 up with tequila. Brand doesn't matter so much as quantity. "Don't skimp, or you're a wimp!" It might be a marketing campaign, but by gosh and golly, it's true. Anywhere's between 1/3 and 1/2 is ok, but closer you get to 1/2, the more explosive you're packing. Be ready for it.
Proportions are key
You're almost done and ready to do some drinking, so keep going, even if you're feeling faint and a bit hungry. Soon as the drink's done, that chicken pot pie can go in the microwave, and you'll have your dinner too.
Here comes secret #3 to making the perfect KHIT. Fill the rest of that glass up with the tequila mix you bought yesterday when you were over to the store. All the way up to the tippy top. Do not stir, mix, or jostle!
Just right!
You follow my instructions, and you'll have the perfect Kern's Holler Iced T. Since the tequila is heavier than the mix, it flows to the bottom, but it'll swirl on up through the mix and down your gullet when you take your first sip. After that, the natural melting of the ice takes care of mixing things up nicely as you wait for the microwave to ding with your chicken pot pie.
If you don't feel it suddenly blossom in your belly at the first sip, then you didn't make it right. If your husband says he can smell the tequila from upstairs, it's a mite too strong. Drink that one up, and start over.
