Fairy Tale Friday 12
BIOU and Bobby Dean Dobson
Bob Dean and I sat cross-legged on the large toadstool of the Alice in Wonderland statue in Central Park, watching the pigeons peck at crumbs.
He reached into his coat pocket and produced a jar of Baco*s brand imitation bacon bits, and held them out to show me. He then touched the forefinger of his other hand to the tip of his nose, and looked at me meaningfully. It was then that I realized that a Very Important Lesson was about to be taught.
He unscrewed the cap of the Baco*s jar, and reaching in, selected a single granular Baco* bit. Perching it on the pad of his thumb, he took aim and used his finger to flick it very hard at the face of a dominant pigeon. Ping! He shot the pigeon right in the head with the Baco*. The pigeon ate the bacon bit.
He reached into the jar again and selected another Baco* bit. Taking his time, he pointed it at the head of the second largest pigeon, and Ping! Flicked it into the pigeon’s face. The pigeon ate the bit.
“We are going to be here all day, Bob Dean, if you don’t find a more effective way of doing this.”
Bob Dean smiled.
He then poured half the jar of Baco*s into his open palm, and squatting atop the toadstool like a fucking loonie, forcefully pitched a fistful of Baco*s into the crowd of pigeons. He shrieked, and howled, and reaching back his arm with the jar of imitation bacon bits, hurled it onto the ground. “AYEEEEEE!” he wailed, and jumped around like a god damned baboon. “BACON BITS! BACON BITS FOR ALL OF YOU!” His mouth frothed and a dark stain appeared at the crotch of his pants and began spreading downwards. “BACON BITS! BACON BITS! EAT THE BACON, BITCHES! EAT IT NOW!!”
“Bob Dean, you are going to give yourself a heart attack! Calm down!” I said, getting to my feet and backing away from him slightly.
Bob Dean froze, and turned to me, and said, “when I pinged the pigeons with the bacon, how did I appear to you?”
“Disturbed,” I replied.
“And when I screamed and raved and threw Baco*s all over the place, and jumped up and down and howled and pissed myself? How did I appear then?”
“Deranged,” I said.
“If you understand that much, you are on the path to enlightenment,” said Bob Dean.
“Let’s go get a hot dog, Bob Dean,” I said.