Fairy Tale Friday 13
The Princess and the Joke
Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess, who could not take a joke.
She had shiny yellow hair, and a body like a blow up doll, and her skull was exactly the right size and shape. Everywhere she went, people would admire her for being the standard by which they could all fall short.
Every day, she would walk to the lake for a swim, and pass the fishmonger who would come out to greet her. But the princess would only laugh at him. "You stink of fish. You may admire me from a distance."
She would then pass the cabinetmaker, who would come out to say hello. But she dismissed him, "You are poor and ugly and your clothes are filthy. Leave me alone."
One sunny day the princess was floating naked on a raft in the lake, admiring her reflection in the water. "I am very attractive," she said. "My skull is a perfectly normal size. My tits are like helium balloons. My ass is magnificent. This will always be so." And full of contentment, she fell into a deep sleep.
That is how the princess, whose perfect skull was packed with pinkness on the inside, turned a bright glowing pink on the outside as she lay sleeping in the sun for hours. Which is how "Bob" found her, naked, pink and burning. And he saw that it was good.
The princess woke up just as the sun was going down, and saw "Bob" watching her. "Hey there, sweetheart, maybe you wanna fuck?" said "Bob".
"Absolutely not," said the Princess. "Not in a million years".
"Bob" had some experience with women like this. "What's it gonna take for me to go home with a piece of royal ass today?"
"Never," said the princess. "You are disgusting."
"Tell you what, hotshot", said "Bob". "Today is your lucky day. I'm
a wish-granting deity from another planet, and my balls are blue from travelling through time and space, so I'll lower my standards this one time only. I'll grant you one wish if you give it up now and don't tell Connie."
"No thank you, I am not interested", she said.
"Bob" puffed his pipe. "Your loss. Maybe I'll call you some time.
But I'll bet I hear from you first." And he leaned back in the grass while the princess dressed and headed home through the village.
As she walked home, the Princess noticed people looking at her, but not as they usually did. And the more aloof she was, the more it amused them. When she got to the castle, she saw that her pretty skin was blistered to a shrivelled and leathery fuschia, and her face as puffy and wrinkled as a hundred year old elephant's ball sack.
It seemed that all was lost, but then she remembered "Bob"'s promise to grant her one wish. So she ran to the lake, as fast as she could, to find "Bob" waiting, looking unsurprised.
"I see you've decided to take me up on that wish. I want to take you on a date. If you do everything I ask of you, I will grant you the wish," he said, and she eagerly agreed.
So "Bob" took her out on a date.
And he lent her to the fishmonger, with his perverse appetites and his fishy musk.
And he lent her to the cabinetmaker, with his funky filth and his dusty floor and his greedy, calloused hands.
And he lent her to the check cashing attendant, with her crate full of condiments and costumes and her deep fryer full of sizzling hot corn dogs.
And he even lent her to the village idiot, who did idiotic, drooly, turnipy things to her that she would never admit to liking.
And after all this, he marched her through town with her bubbling, scaly skin, so the weird and the ugly, the mutilated and sweaty, the basement dwellers and chubby chasers and reluctant virgins and the big- headed and all the other human oddities could get a look. And after all that humbling, "Bob" gave her his own Special Patented Dobbs Brand Sexual Humiliation, the kind that guys like Stang have only read about and been inspired by.
When it was finally over, the Princess fell to her knees in tears. "I understand why you did this, "Bob", and I don't blame you. I was prideful and vain. I repent."
"Bob" smiled.
"I know now that beauty is only skin deep, and there is value in the unusual, and even in the unpleasant."
"Bob" kept smiling.
"So, could you fix up my face?" she asked.
"Well," said "Bob", shifting around, "to tell you the truth, I'm not so much a 'wish-granting' as a 'good intentions' deity. That is to say, I can't grant wishes, but you've been a great sport. You are a real fun girl. I'll call you!"
And with that, he disappeared, leaving the princess with her fucked up face and her ravaged bunghole and her stretched out labia and her thighs coated in corn dog crumbs, and her perfectly shaped head was filled with the notion that maybe everyone out there was just a little weird, and scary, and dangerously perverted, having nasty fun behind closed doors while she floated around like a meaningless balloon, and the uncertainty haunted her for the rest of her days. And "Bob" lived happily ever after, which is all that really matters.