Fairy Tale Friday 14
The Bore and the Corpulent Dorkus
There once was a corpulent dorkus, who stroked his neck beard while yammering into the handset of a disconnected telephone with visions of a rapt and appreciative audience on the other end.
"ALIENS HAVE MY BALL SACK! ALIENZ ARE HERE FOR YOOOOOO! PICK UP YOUR BAK PACK AND GLANCE MY POWERZ! BEANS! I AM ALL THE LATE NITE SAUSAGE YOU EVER WANTZ TO PACK! CRAM ME! EAT PORK! SPANK MY RETURNZ! EAT MY SPEARM CELZZ!"
It went on this way for some time, when up the hill came an old Bore, hunched over and gasping for breath.
The Corpulent Dorkus, delighted with his new audience, screamed into the bore's face until its glasses were steamed up by his breath and sparkled with particles of nacho chips and spray cheese:
"YOOO NO I AM THE HIYEST POOPTYPOOP IN ALL THE LAND N00B!"
The Bore was not impressed. "I am on the radio!" he said, and gestured to the massive object strapped to his back - a late 1970's
stereo setup complete with a turntable, two standing speakers and a plug trailing along on the ground behind him. "EVERYONE is eager to hear what I have to say."
"WELL I DON'T KNOW," howled the Dorkus. "IT APPEARZ THAT THEE RADIO
IZ ON YOOO!"
"Exactly" said the Bore. They glared at each other. The tension was palpable.
The Corpulent Dorkus broke wind, and the silence, declaring defiantly, "EYE AM THE POOPTYLOOP! YOO FEARZ ME! WE ARE GOINK TO RACE TO
GREATNESS AT THE PAPA JOHNS! BETTUR PEEPLE BETTUR INGREDIENTZ
PAPAJOHNZ!!!"
"That was my idea first," mumbled the Bore, and they were off.
The Bore chose a winding path, pausing to lose himself in the deep pools of his own hypnotic and beautiful eyes in every reflective surface he passed. The Corpulent Dorkus barged ahead, eating everything in sight and projecting himself along on a rocket of his own flatulence.
After some time, the Dorkus had Papa Johns in sight, and visions of pizza-like disks and knotted garlicky Things danced in his imagination. He hiked up his sweatpants and hustled a little harder to reach the finish line first and claim the title of HIE SUPREAM POOPSHOP.
It was then that he spied a "Fun-Sized" Snickers lying in the road. "I EATZ TEH SNICKRSZ!" he screamed, and lunged for it.
But there was a terrifying roar as the seat of his pants, the fabric already weakened by many years of decaying nacho farts, finally gave way and tore from taint to waist like the hellish vertical smile of Satan, and the horrors exposed to the light of day at that moment are not fit for fairy tales.
He leaped into the air in a fit of rage, but upon landing his girth popped a hole in the pavement, and he sank into the ground up to his waist.
The Corpulent Dorkus was trapped like an egg in the mouth of a snake. And down the road the Bore moseyed steadily onward, until he was within sight of the wailing, ensnared Dorkus. "I invented the race," said the Bore, to no-one in particular. "I invented the race, and the road, and I am the GREAT Papa John. Now I will win. Slow and steady coastin' wins the blah blah blah."
NOW. This would be a fable, and not a fairy tale, if it weren't for the timely placement of some enchanted majgickck right here. Luckily, that is exactly what happened.
Because Papa John's was protected by a Fairy Globmother, Mama John. And she wore majickal khakis and floated through the air casting spells and aspersions. It was she who planted the Fun-Sized Snickers bar, and seeing the Bore approach, she "sprang" into action.
"Hey there, bore-boy! Looks like you're gonna win the race! Good luck with that! Anything I can do to help?"
The Bore answered without hesitation. "Turn me into Marshall McLuhan." The Fairy Globmother, as a general practice, heard only what she wanted to hear. And although she considered this request odd, she happily obliged and turned the Bore into marshmallow noodles. Which were promptly sucked up into the void of the Corpulant Dorkus's ever consuming black hole of a mouth like so many beefy bean burritos.
The Dorkus was victorious! He pumped his fists and kicked his little legs beneath the surface of the ground. But his victory was short- lived, because at that moment, a chunk of blue toilet ice was dropped from an airplane overhead and plunged onto that very spot, crushing the Dorkus and the Fairy Globmother into a meaty paste.