Fairy Tale Friday 19
Video rendition of this story here thanks to Richard Skull
There once were three Brothers Dim, who left their mother's basement and went off into the world to make their fortunes. They promised they would return home in a year to compare successes.
The first brother, Kevan Angerson, met a man pulling a hot dog cart. "ARR Y00 A VEND0R? BECUZ I WANTZ TOO EET A CHILI DOHG BLOOP BEEP
DOOP."
The man shook his head. "I am a competitive eater," he said. "I am just home from Japan with 77 meatballs fermenting in my intestines. I won $500 and a t-shirt. Come with me if you want to learn my trade." And so Kevan did.
The second brother, Blop Ding, met a man who stood atop an overturned box, shouting relentlessly into the wind. "What type of thing are you," asked Blop.
"I AM AN AUCTIONEER!" screamed the man. He leaned closer and whispered, "I have nothing to sell right now, but I must keep talking at all times, or I will lose my edge! I never earn a cent, but people MUST hear my voice. If you need a trade, follow me." So Blop did.
The Third brother, Mookal Hulkendork, could find nothing to approve of. The countryside was littered with sinners. He was about to lose faith when he came upon a giant in battered armor, who stood alone in a field, wildly swinging a club and hitting himself with it repeatedly. "Smash?" asked Mookal, eyes wide with admiration. "SMASHY SMASH!" replied the giant. Mookal followed.
A year passed, and the three brothers had each risen to the top of their field. They returned home as promised to compare their fortunes, but found their village in turmoil! A dragon perched on a tower, burning the holy living fuck out of everything. A reward was offered to whoever could destroy the flaming menace.
The Brothers Dim wanted that reward, and gathered at the foot of the tower. Blop Ding stood bravely on his trusty box, and producing a megaphone, began to blather. "ME. ME. ME. EXACTLY. EXACTLY. EXACTLY," his droning voice an irresistible lullaby. The dragon, poised to roast him alive, was instantly bored into a stupor and fell from the tower with a mighty crash!
Mookal saw his chance. Recognizing the dragon as a symbol of ancient satanic rituals, its green scales an obvious representation of the pagan green man, he whipped out his faithful bludgeoner, and militantly pounded the dragon into a scaly mash of shit, making a mess of the landscape.
It was Kevan Angerson's time to shine. He squatted and robotically sucked the entire 5,000 pound lizard down like a chunky stew. He wiped his lips on the sleeve of his filthy shirt, and proudly declared, "Y00p b00p yer dRag0hn!!"
The people erupted into cheers! What a triumphant day for the Brothers Dim! Blop Ding rose at the sound of applause, and began to wave to the crowds, when a meaty smite landed him upside his head. It was Kevan Angerson, blind with jealousy, and he punted Blop's scrawny carcass out of the way and began leaping up and down with pride for taking down the delicious dragon nuisance. The earth shook with his bouncing mass, but he was not dancing for long, because Mookal was riding his bicycle back and forth in the general vicinity, a clear and definite declaration of aggression. Blop Ding struggled to his feet and rejoined the fray. Kevan belched poison gas. Mookal stood a safe distance away, beating his chest and shouting in no uncertain terms that someone was gonna get their bitch head caved in for sure. Blop Ding soiled his Depends. Kevan ate his own head.
When the dust settled, nothing remained but a dented bicycle wheel, a pair of filthy sock garters and a greasy slick of refried beans in a mass of pulpy meat and fat, bones and teeth. The Villagers collected the reward money and bought themselves a Killfile 1000 Anti-Dragon Electrical Perimeter Guard Fence, and things were peaceful and quiet in the village from that day on, until the Scientologists arrived.