FTF 20

Video rendition of this story not yet here thanks to Richard Skull

There once were two men, named "Bob" Dobbs and Gob Nobbs.

Gob had four pipes, which were always full, but "Bob" had only one, and this was a source of constant belittlement from Gob unto "Bob".

One day, "Bob" sat at the bar at Ye Olde Drooping Knobbe, smoking his pipe, when a man approached him. His fingers were bandaged, his eyes blackened, and his lip fat and bloody. But he was smiling! "Well, well!" said "Bob". "What has happened to you?"

"Doesn't matter," said the man. "Say, I'll give you a thousand dollars if you'll let me burn the tip of my dick in the bowl of your pipe."

"It's a deal," said "Bob".

Later on, as he headed home from the Knobbe, he ran into Gob, who said, "Hey stupid, where did you get that money?" "A guy at the bar gave me a thousand dollars to burn his dick off with my pipe," said "Bob".

Gob Nobbs knew that with FOUR pipes, he could burn four times as many dicks and make a fortune. So he ran off into the bar with his four pipes blazing, shouting his offer.

A few days later, "Bob" was walking along behind a horse drawn carriage, when he slipped and fell in a massive pile of horse shit. Now it happened that the carriage held a hotshot personal injury lawyer and his wife, and when they heard "Bob" howling in the road behind them, the lawyer jumped out and saw him lying there all covered in filth, and thought to nip this case of reckless liability in the bud. "Say there, friend. I'll give you five thousand dollars for your pain and suffering, if you'll call it even."

"It's a deal," said "Bob".

On his way home, counting his money, he ran into Gob, who was limping along on crutches with his arms and legs in plaster casts, as if he had been mercilessly beaten for some reason. "Hey, asshole. Where'd you get five thousand dollars?" asked Gob.

"A man gave it to me for sitting in horse shit in the middle of the road," said "Bob".

Gob, sensing an opportunity, hobbled off into town with a quickness.

A few days later, "Bob" sat at a table in "Le Pompous Cyborgue". His pipe was stuffed with the finest frops, a dense and fragrant cloud around his head. He glanced down and saw a shiny quarter on the carpet, and stooped to pick it up.

It might have been the cloud of his smoke, or maybe it was his intoxicating presence, but a waitress carrying a tray of hot coffee didn't see "Bob" crouching there, and stumbled over him. The waitress, her tray, and all that coffee went up in the air, and came crashing down on poor hapless "Bob".

The maitre d' came running over, and slipping on a saucer, went up feet-first and came smashing down onto "Bob", and the waitress, and the coffee cups.

The manager, seeing the melee, charged over to help, but tripped over the tablecloth, and planted himself face first into "Bob"'s upturned ass.

The owner, from a safe distance away, apologized profusely and wrote "Bob" a check for ten thousand dollars, to cover his damages and replace his suit.

"Bob" was walking home with his check and a bright shiny quarter when he encountered Gob Nobbs, with broken arms and legs, his neck in a collar, and his tattered suit studded with globs of horse crap, stinking to high Heaven and looking miserable. "What happened to you?" asked "Bob". But Gob Nobbs didn't want to talk about it.

Instead, he eyed the check that "Bob" was holding, and asked, "What did a jackass like YOU do to get ten thousand dollars? Huh, LOSER?"

"Bob" did not hesitate in his response. "Over at Le Pompous Cyborgue, a bunch of guys piled up on top of me under a table, and a lady poured hot coffee all over my ass, and one guy stuck his face up there. Then they paid me $10,000."

Gob Nobbs gawped in disbelief at the perversions taking place at the fanciest restaurant in town, but he quickly excused himself and hauled ass to find out how to get in on it. The restaurant's management was less than welcoming.

Things worked out alright in the end, though, because Gob Nobbs changed his name in humiliation and took out an ad in The Eager Mountie offering his ass to any coffee wielding dominatrix who would pay his way through life, and he met his beautiful wife Carolyn and went on to have the cleanest, caffeiniest rectal polyps in the history of mankind. You could literally eat off of them, if you were disgusting beyond imagining. And "Bob" used his money to buy a tractor and a couple of flamethrowers and went on a rampage of destruction that left the eastern Canadian border in ruins. It was a perfect time to be alive.