Fairy Tale Friday 29
Schizobeck’s
New Clothes
Schizobeck was sitting on the throne when the phone rang. It was her social worker, with good news! “Your personality test results are in! You scored very low on social skills and being interesting, but you aced blathering small talk! You are fit to work in any corporate office!”
Oh no! She did not have anything appropriate to wear!
So she ate a snickers bar, and with chocolate all over her face, waddled over to her local Walmart to outfit herself. She stood in the entrance, wide-eyed and slack-jawed, a thin streamer of drool on her chin, gawking at the TV Guides.
In the shadows of the children’s flammable one piece pajama department lurked a devious manager, oppressed by the policy specifying a quota of mentally challenged employees. He saw his opportunity, and twisting his handlebar moustache, he slipped over to Schizobeck and took her by the hand.
“Hello, beautiful” he hissed. “Today is your lucky day! I have a job
for you. Do you know what a job is?”
“I DON’T WANT TO PRINT THINGS ON MY OWN PAPER AND I WANT YOU TO DESCRIBE THE JOB TO ME AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO MESSICANS AND I WANT CANDY” wailed Schizobeck, spittle spraying the manager’s jowly face. “AND I DON’T WANT TO PAY FOR A UNIFORM YOU GIVE IT TO ME.”
The manager could see that Schizobeck would complete his entire quota for mental defectives singlehandedly. But he could not give her a uniform, or Walmart would dock his pay. Suddenly, Dobbs whispered into his ear and a cunning plan came to him.
He held out his empty hands to Schizobeck, and waving them around, said, “This is the uniform for you. Elegant, slimming – NOT THAT YOU NEED IT – purple and flowy, bathrobe-like! In this uniform, you will feel as if you were hula dancing in your own backyard, or hiding under the bed from thunderstorms! But beware – others will envy your uniform so much that they will pretend you are wearing nothing at all. Do not heed the jealous ho-dogs. Just wear it, and wiggle your sexy body with pride whenever you catch someone staring.”
Schizobeck was overjoyed! What a day!
And so the manager gave her a register key, and her new uniform, and before he knew it, a naked white potato sat plopped on a stool behind register five, gobbling snickers and wiping her hands in the folds of her elegant uniform. And Walmart won the Smiling Simp award at the annual Pointless Awards Ceremony.
The End!