Fairy Tale Friday 36
One Valentine's
Day, long ago, a beautiful underaged princess was whistling the Davy
Crockett theme song while gathering blueberries in a Canadian meadow
when the sweet music attracted a hideous giant, who crept up and lifted
her into the air. She demanded to be put down, but he was drawn
to her jailbait appeal, and found her protests erotic. "What will
you give me if I let you go," he asked.
"I will bake you a blueberry pie", said the princess. The struggle between the giant's barely functioning, shrivelled, cheese-doodle-like, toddler-sized gonads and his appetite for sweets was obvious, and he took the path of least resistance, for at the end of that path, there would be pie.
True to her word, she delivered a freshly baked pie to the giant. He swallowed it whole but then realized that he had nothing more to look forward to, and would spend Valentine's Day alone, so he grabbed her up again.
She offered another pie for her freedom, but even the moronic giant knew that she would not return now. He was confused, and angry. And disgusting. And greasy and bloated and utterly unappealing, and once again his life had taken a turn for the startlingly pathetic.
But the princess was clever, and, determined to get away from the load of human ham who held her captive, she leaned up next to his oil slick of a head, and whispered into his wax-packed ear:
"Besides a princess and a master baker, I am also an expert seamstress. If you want to have your pie and eat it too, I suggest you let me slit open your belly and get it out. I noticed that you barely chewed - you can eat it all over again, and I'll sew you back together."
"In fact," she continued, "I can install a zipper, so you can eat the pie as many times as you like, and never have to worry about running out. And if, by some chance, you found another use for a warm blueberry pie, surely no-one could judge you. They'd never know."
That sealed the deal. The giant reached into his date rape kit and pulled out a USB thumb drive shaped like a walrus, and reclined onto his zit-flecked back, smacking his lips in anticipation of a second serving of semi-digested, gently used blueberry pie.
The princess began the greasy business of surgery, using the walrus tusks as a scalpel. But when she sliced open his belly, an ocean of blubber poured out, as the skin which had mercifully been holding him together gave way, and endless blubber came gushing forth, swallowing the landscape, chunks of avocado, pie, the entire Harlem Globetrotters (who are black), pico de gallo, and rolling waves of disgusting pink lard flowing, seeming to multiply as it touched air. And the princess shook her fist at the heavens, cursing her folly, but just as she was sucked under the gruesome flow of gooey meat, she realized that it did not matter, because she was imaginary. She achieved enlightenment before she was drowned to death in fat.
Up from the muck swam a glistening snake, with a Bloomin' Onion tattooed on his back. It was the two headed Anal Snake of the Outback, the treacherous and deadly Australian Brown. One head was that of Chain Smerker, and the other was Penelope Cruz. And before the grotesque giant bled to death in a sea of his own lard, his last remaining consciousness was SEVERE RECTAL TRAUMA, as his ass was viciously invaded by the Latin Thunder from Down Under.
The end! Happy friday!
"I will bake you a blueberry pie", said the princess. The struggle between the giant's barely functioning, shrivelled, cheese-doodle-like, toddler-sized gonads and his appetite for sweets was obvious, and he took the path of least resistance, for at the end of that path, there would be pie.
True to her word, she delivered a freshly baked pie to the giant. He swallowed it whole but then realized that he had nothing more to look forward to, and would spend Valentine's Day alone, so he grabbed her up again.
She offered another pie for her freedom, but even the moronic giant knew that she would not return now. He was confused, and angry. And disgusting. And greasy and bloated and utterly unappealing, and once again his life had taken a turn for the startlingly pathetic.
But the princess was clever, and, determined to get away from the load of human ham who held her captive, she leaned up next to his oil slick of a head, and whispered into his wax-packed ear:
"Besides a princess and a master baker, I am also an expert seamstress. If you want to have your pie and eat it too, I suggest you let me slit open your belly and get it out. I noticed that you barely chewed - you can eat it all over again, and I'll sew you back together."
"In fact," she continued, "I can install a zipper, so you can eat the pie as many times as you like, and never have to worry about running out. And if, by some chance, you found another use for a warm blueberry pie, surely no-one could judge you. They'd never know."
That sealed the deal. The giant reached into his date rape kit and pulled out a USB thumb drive shaped like a walrus, and reclined onto his zit-flecked back, smacking his lips in anticipation of a second serving of semi-digested, gently used blueberry pie.
The princess began the greasy business of surgery, using the walrus tusks as a scalpel. But when she sliced open his belly, an ocean of blubber poured out, as the skin which had mercifully been holding him together gave way, and endless blubber came gushing forth, swallowing the landscape, chunks of avocado, pie, the entire Harlem Globetrotters (who are black), pico de gallo, and rolling waves of disgusting pink lard flowing, seeming to multiply as it touched air. And the princess shook her fist at the heavens, cursing her folly, but just as she was sucked under the gruesome flow of gooey meat, she realized that it did not matter, because she was imaginary. She achieved enlightenment before she was drowned to death in fat.
Up from the muck swam a glistening snake, with a Bloomin' Onion tattooed on his back. It was the two headed Anal Snake of the Outback, the treacherous and deadly Australian Brown. One head was that of Chain Smerker, and the other was Penelope Cruz. And before the grotesque giant bled to death in a sea of his own lard, his last remaining consciousness was SEVERE RECTAL TRAUMA, as his ass was viciously invaded by the Latin Thunder from Down Under.
The end! Happy friday!