Fairy Tale Friday 4
BIOU's Fairy Tale Friday 4
There once was a handsome Prince who had thirty dollars laying around, so he decided to buy himself a Princess for a couple of hours.
He searched the phone book under Princesses, but nothing seemed right. He googled it, but came up short. So he sent out word via Craiglist that he was looking for some Princess action, and within a day, a line of Princesses had formed outside his door.
Some were curvaceous and some were lanky, some had big feet and some had Adams Apples, some smelled like garlic and some had a five o’clock shadow, but at the end of the line was a creature so obscene that he could not believe she really was a Princess - an angry purple Ogre with the greasy crust of what looked like flecks of mashed potatoes and chili in her hair, her face red with rage and her lips spattered with spittle.
“Surely you are not a Princess,” said the Prince.
“Well, I don’t work, and I don’t cook, and I don’t clean my house, and I feel entitled to everything. What would you suggest I am?” replied the harpy.
“Fair enough,” said the Prince, but in his heart he was not sure. So he devised a test to determine if the Princess was sincere.
He led her into his castle, and pointed to a stack of mattresses. “Sleep there tonight,” he said, “and in the morning I will let you know if I have chosen you to be my Princess.”
Beneath the mattresses, he had cleverly hidden a turnip. He went to his bedroom but could hardly sleep that night for anticipation.
The Princess climbed to the top of the stack of mattresses, but she overshot the far end when heaving her mammoth leg up and fell over the bed and onto the floor, busting her lip. She climbed up again, but she got distracted by the flickering of a television set across the room and slipped off again, bruising her knees. “Someone else should be doing this hard labor for me,” she grumbled, but the idea of a Prince paying all her bills and buying her noodles in sauce packets for the rest of her life fortified her with the strength to keep trying. By her sixth try, she made it to the top without bashing her nose, or whacking her funny bone. By then, her bladder was crying out for relief, but she didn’t feel like climbing back down. “What the hell, it’s not MY bed,” she said, and she snored the night away in satisfaction.
The next morning, the Prince found the Princess looking somehow even worse than she did when she first arrived! “Only a Princess’s delicate skin would be so damaged from spending the night on a turnip!” he declared, and heaved her into his arms to carry her off to his chamber.
“I want the thirty dollars up front,” said the Princess. “I don’t give it up for free.”
“But, my love, last night, while you were sleeping, I bedded the other applicants and sent that thirty dollars to “Bob”. Hey, what’s that smell? Is that you?” he replied.
The Princess stormed off in a rage, and in her blind fury accidentally slipped into his piranha moat, where she was devoured within minutes.
And that is how “Bob” saved the handsome Prince from almost having intercourse with Schizobeck.