Fairy Tale Friday 42
Richard Skull reads the story to you!
There once was a man named Vito, who was having a
very bad day. His wife ran off with Eric Clapton. A lunatic
threw a tampon at him. A hobo hit him with a brick. Worst
of all, Vito was constipated. It felt like a suitcase full of
leatherbound books was lodged in his colon.
He staggered home from work, cursing the name of Eric Clapton and clutching at his agonized guts. Too achy to cook, he stopped at a bodega and scanned the cereal aisle for something to ease his discomfort. There, in a plain brown cardboard box, he saw it. Colon Genie - Prize Inside Every Box! So he handed the beturbaned clerk $26.85 and headed home with dinner.
It looked like a goat food, but Vito was encouraged by the smiling face of the genie on the box, whose hat and ghostly trailing limbless leg area swirled and coiled like the subliminal suggestion of a hefty bowel movement. It tasted like couch cushions but an extreme evacuation seemed less like a dream with every bite he took. There was no prize in the box that he could see, but a healthy dump is its own reward, he figured.
It didn't take long. Not fifteen minutes after swallowing the last gritty bite, Vito was hunched on the throne, clutching his knees, staring at the floor and praying for mercy. This was The Big One.
When from his straining rectum, there appeared a ghoulish apparition - the Colon Genie swirled up out of the toilet and hovered wavering before him! "You have found the prize in the box!" declared the genie. "I am here to grant you three wishes. Make them carefully."
Vito could not believe his luck. "I wish for a million dollars," he said, and before he knew what was happening, thick rolls of hundred dollar bills came rocketing from his asshole, glazed with chunks of cereal and thunking into the basin with substantial thwacks. When he thought he could take no more, the metallic clank of many rolls of quarters echoed from below and the pain was indescribable.
But he had a million dollars.
"You have two more wishes," said the genie. "Make them carefully."
Vito could not control any of his sphincters, it seemed, because before he could stop himself, his mouth was saying "I want a beautiful woman who will love me intensely, and never stray."
It started with a toe - brownly pedicured. After five unbearable minutes, her legs were hanging from his prolapsed and tormented anus. He shrieked and howled, and before too long she stood naked before him, disgusting and foul, with lumps of whatever clinging to her hair. Her arms grasped for him, but before she could coat him in a layer of his own filth, Vito cold cocked the funky monster and knocked her unconscious.
He was aghast at the atrocities he had wrought. The genie floated before him. "You have one last wish. Make it carefully."
Vito was outraged at the genie's tricks. "I want to live in a world where things are clean and Eric Clapton can't come along at any given moment and steal away the only woman I ever loved, and I'll never get hit with a flying tampon or a brick, and everything of value is not caked with shit."
"It can not be done," said the genie. "All is excrement. But because you have stumped me, you will receive a lifetime supply of Colon Genie cereal. Enjoy your shitty money and your woman." And he evaporated.
And Vito found himself locked in the bathroom with a pile of wet money and an unconscious, naked, shit covered stranger. "Not again," he thought, and reached under the sink for the bleach.
The End.
Happy Friday!
He staggered home from work, cursing the name of Eric Clapton and clutching at his agonized guts. Too achy to cook, he stopped at a bodega and scanned the cereal aisle for something to ease his discomfort. There, in a plain brown cardboard box, he saw it. Colon Genie - Prize Inside Every Box! So he handed the beturbaned clerk $26.85 and headed home with dinner.
It looked like a goat food, but Vito was encouraged by the smiling face of the genie on the box, whose hat and ghostly trailing limbless leg area swirled and coiled like the subliminal suggestion of a hefty bowel movement. It tasted like couch cushions but an extreme evacuation seemed less like a dream with every bite he took. There was no prize in the box that he could see, but a healthy dump is its own reward, he figured.
It didn't take long. Not fifteen minutes after swallowing the last gritty bite, Vito was hunched on the throne, clutching his knees, staring at the floor and praying for mercy. This was The Big One.
When from his straining rectum, there appeared a ghoulish apparition - the Colon Genie swirled up out of the toilet and hovered wavering before him! "You have found the prize in the box!" declared the genie. "I am here to grant you three wishes. Make them carefully."
Vito could not believe his luck. "I wish for a million dollars," he said, and before he knew what was happening, thick rolls of hundred dollar bills came rocketing from his asshole, glazed with chunks of cereal and thunking into the basin with substantial thwacks. When he thought he could take no more, the metallic clank of many rolls of quarters echoed from below and the pain was indescribable.
But he had a million dollars.
"You have two more wishes," said the genie. "Make them carefully."
Vito could not control any of his sphincters, it seemed, because before he could stop himself, his mouth was saying "I want a beautiful woman who will love me intensely, and never stray."
It started with a toe - brownly pedicured. After five unbearable minutes, her legs were hanging from his prolapsed and tormented anus. He shrieked and howled, and before too long she stood naked before him, disgusting and foul, with lumps of whatever clinging to her hair. Her arms grasped for him, but before she could coat him in a layer of his own filth, Vito cold cocked the funky monster and knocked her unconscious.
He was aghast at the atrocities he had wrought. The genie floated before him. "You have one last wish. Make it carefully."
Vito was outraged at the genie's tricks. "I want to live in a world where things are clean and Eric Clapton can't come along at any given moment and steal away the only woman I ever loved, and I'll never get hit with a flying tampon or a brick, and everything of value is not caked with shit."
"It can not be done," said the genie. "All is excrement. But because you have stumped me, you will receive a lifetime supply of Colon Genie cereal. Enjoy your shitty money and your woman." And he evaporated.
And Vito found himself locked in the bathroom with a pile of wet money and an unconscious, naked, shit covered stranger. "Not again," he thought, and reached under the sink for the bleach.
The End.
Happy Friday!