Fairy Tale Friday 5
BIOU's Fairy Tale Friday 5
Thumbelina, Schizobeck, and the Crone
Once there was a lonely old crone who never could get any action. Her saddest regret was that she never had a child.
She was weeping in the streets like a crazy person when she was approached by a slimebag witch, who had been suffered to live, and who took pity on her. “Disgusting crone,” she said, “I have here a magical seed. Plant this in your garden and your problems will be solved.”
The crone planted the seed in a flowerbox under her bedroom window, and watered it with her tears, and the next day, a flower had grown, and a tiny, beautiful girl lay sleeping inside of it. “I will name her Thumbelina!” said the crone.
Next to the flower, a clunky weed with a foul aroma had also sprung up, and a soft, pink, unformed blob lay snoring inside of it. It showed vague signs of sentience, so rather than flush it down the toilet, the old crone placed it inside an empty toilet paper tube. “Your name is Schizobeck”, said the crone. “Your job is to clip coupons.”
Thumbelina slept in a walnut shell, and drank sweet dew from flower petals, and the sluggish and slow-witted Schizobeck licked the residue from the insides of Dinty Moore Beef Stew cans and soon developed mad cow disease. Enrobed in a purple cloak and looking like Grimace, she twisted the night away to the sounds of Leo Sayer and dreamed up obsessive delusions. She would repeat these to herself, and anyone who would listen, until she was convinced of all sorts of things, about Mexicans, and pizza franchises, and television shows.
One night, a horny toad spied the two sleeping sisters, and crept up to kidnap them. Upon the toad’s closer inspection, Thumbelina, with her porcelain skin and silky curls, was repulsive to him. But something about Schizobeck stirred a warm desire within his toadly loins, and he heaved her over his shoulder and struggled back to the pond with her, plopping her onto a lilypad while he caught his breath.
The lilypad sank under the weight of her, and the fish pecked her to pieces.
The next day, the old crone woke up to find beautiful Thumbelina dreaming sweetly in her walnut shell, but Schizobeck’s toilet paper roll was empty, and all of the fish in the pond were floating on the surface. "Oh, well", she said.
Thumbelina married a fairy prince and flew from flower to flower with a pair of butterfly wings gifted to her by the Magical King of the Fairies, and lived happily ever after.