Fairy Tale Friday 6
Rapunzobeck!
Once upon a time, a woman ate an enchanted slab of grade B Treet while she carried in her womb the abominable fetus "Rapunzobeck", who was then born with an odor that no living human could bear. Her mother was forced to lock her away in a trailer at the top of a lonely hill by the sewage processing plant, and she grew up insane and disgusting.Life in the trailer was filthy, but fine. Magical dump rats would frolic at Rapunzobeck's feet, and the bed bugs would sing her a chorus that lulled her to sleep each night.
Every day, her mother would visit the trailer, and would call up to the window, "Rapunzobeck! Rapunzobeck! Let down your hair!" And a thick coil of hair would be cast from the open window. Her mother would tie a basket of delicacies to the end of it - Easy Mac, and Squirty Cheez, and cans of Hormel Chili-style Meat Lumps, and Devilled Ham Spreadable Chunks, and Whipped Chicken Gizzards, and Lipton's Noodles n' Creamed Salt - and Rapunzobeck would raise the basket and gorge on its contents until her heartrate slowed.
She lived this way for years, and her odors intensified, and her mass expanded to fill the trailer. It was a lonely life, but satisfying.
One sweaty Alabama night, Rapunzobeck sat at the window of her trailer, bitching endlessly into the darkness.
She bitched about Mexicans, stealing her work.
She bitched about Stang, who was being a jerk.
She bitched about cleaning, which just wasn't fun.
She bitched about money, and how she had none.
She bitched about being so stinky and fat,
And deleting her pinkness, but good luck with that!
And the music of her bitchery floated on a breeze.
Where it reached the ears of a wandering prince! "LOL!" he declared! "Eye wull go and conker for mysuhlf this fayr und deliteful peece of tayl! Cheers!"
And he stood beneath her window, and called out, "Rapunzobeck! Rapunzobeck! Ewe sheep fuckee! Now toss thee roap of your hair down to me!"
Down came the rope.
He wound it around his girthy middle, and hauled himself up.
But when he reached the top, instead of the beautiful mug of a delicate princess, staring back at him was an enormous white and pockmarked moon-like face, with a single weeping brown eye in the middle. "Are you Darwin?" it asked. "Or are you not Darwin? It is impossible for me to tell the difference", and then it farted, blinding the prince who let go of the flowing rope of ass hair. He fell nearly three feet into the dirt below, landing fatally in a mound of discarded candy wrappers.
Devastated by the loss of the only man whose odors could rival her own, Rapunzobeck swallowed her own head. The rats took care of the rest, and the trailer smelled fresher already.